The Dartmoor Union Inn has postponed its charity snail race because of unseasonably icy conditions.

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Gentlemen, don’t start your gastropods!

The Dartmoor Union Inn has postponed its charity snail race because of unseasonably icy conditions in southwest England that adversely affected the participants.

As the pub explained on its Facebook page: “The cold snap has led to a medical problem with our racing snails — it’s called hibernation.”

Headlines

• At SportsPickle.com: “Sam Darnold wows scouts at NFL combine with record 4 hours, 37 minutes in the anthem stand.”

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• At TheKicker.com: “U.S. tanks Winter Olympics to get better draft pick in the next Winter Olympics.”

What, no fourth down?

Seahawks QB Russell Wilson whiffed in his first spring-training at-bat with the Yankees on Friday.

Or, as football wags tried to spin it, three-and-out.

Soup of the day: beef

The Cavaliers suspended guard J.R. Smith for one game because he reportedly threw a bowl of soup at assistant coach Damon Jones.

Guess you could say he made himself bowl-ineligible.

Arrested development

Canadian cross-country skier David Duncan was arrested in South Korea for commandeering an idling car and driving it back to the Olympic Village while drunk.

And he might have totally gotten away with it, witnesses say, if he hadn’t stopped to wax his tires.

Fixing their slice

Who knew free agency included pizza?

Less than 14 hours after the NFL and Papa John’s prematurely ended their sponsorship deal, the league replaced the chain with Pizza Hut.

Simply out of habit, the NFL slapped Pizza Hut with the franchise tag.

That’s slow biz

This year’s Deflategate/Taking the Air out of the Ball Award goes to the Marshall (Minn.) High School girls basketball team, which held the ball for up to three minutes at a time against heavily favored Waseca in a postseason playoff game.

Alas, there was no joy in Dudville: Marshall lost in a walkaway, 17-4.

Fake snooze

March 11-17, in case you haven’t heard, is National Sleep Awareness Week.

What, no Suns-Nets game that week?

Breaking par

Warriors star Steph Curry tweeted a picture of a shattered glass tabletop in his hotel room — courtesy of taking an all-advised golf swing there.

Lots of luck trying to replace that divot.

Talking the talk

• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, with a suggested alternative for March Madness tournament brackets this year: “NCAA men’s basketball sanctions bingo.”

• Seahawks QB Russell Wilson, to ESPN, on his five-day spring-training stint with the Yankees: “I tried to get No. 3, but I think somebody had it already.”

Uneasy on the ice

A corpulent man wearing only a pink tutu stormed the ice rink at the Winter Olympics.

The French judge, simply out of habit, immediately held up his 9.5 card.

More headlines

• At SportsPickle.com: “Kevin Stallings caught by FBI offering $100,000 to anyone who would attend a Pitt basketball game.”

He’s the Cats’ meow

Arizona basketball coach Sean Miller — benched for one game while school officials probed an alleged $100,000 payment to a player — says the standing ovation Wildcats fans gave him upon his return made him feel like a million dol …

Nah, too easy.

Upon further review …

An NFL committee says Dez Bryant’s controversial non-catch in the 2014 NFL playoffs was actually legit.

The ’72 Raiders, still seething over the Immaculate Reception, immediately threw their red challenge flag.

Bump and run

Ravens cornerback Marlon Humphrey was arrested for robbery after allegedly taking an Uber driver’s cellphone cord.

Or to hear the team’s spin on it, Humphrey leads the NFL offseason in take-aways.

False Advertising Dept.

And from the Sometimes These Items Just Write Themselves file, a Russian bobsledder who wore a “I Don’t Do Doping” T-shirt at the Winter Olympics flunked a drug test.

Clark Griswold’s non-chloric, silicon-based kitchen lubricant, perhaps?

Olympic quiz

Q: What do you call it when the “Olympic Athletes from Russia” win the men’s hockey tournament?

A: Gold OAR.

We’ll drink to that

The ratio of Winter Olympic medals won by U.S. athletes per 1 million citizens: .07.

That’s a sobering thought.

Writers’ bloc

• Former MLB slugger Bob Watson, 73, to the New York Daily News, on doctors telling him 10 months ago that he has 2-12 years to live with his kidney failure: “I had a reputation for never giving up an at-bat, so I’m still fouling ’em off as long as I can.”

• Comedian Steve Hofstetter, on why he’s proud to be a New York sports fan, beyond the 57 major championships: “We’ve never had one sports riot. When we burn down our city, it’s just because we feel like it.”

• NBC’s Jimmy Fallon, after Sweden conceded to gold-medal men’s curling match with two stones left: “Yep, America made Sweden quit in frustration, or as we call that, the reverse IKEA.”

• Roger Federer, via Twitter, on becoming the oldest tennis player to be ranked No. 1: “Somebody might have mentioned that to me already, but I had a hard time hearing.”

• Ex-outfielder Andruw Jones, to MLB.com, on his mixed message to top Braves prospect Ronald Acuna: “Be humble, but a humble-cocky.”

• Jim Barach of WCHS-TV in Charleston, W.Va., after a 106-year-old cyclist set a record by going 14 miles in an hour: “Which would make for another record if he could somehow do that on the L.A. 405 Freeway.”

• Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, scratching his head over New York’s Madison Square Garden hosting the Big Ten men’s basketball tournament: “Are quality arenas in Chicago and Indianapolis closed for repairs?”

• RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on U.S. gold medalist Matt Hamilton’s mustache boasting 262 Twitter followers: “He might be the only curler in America who carries a spare brush under his nose.”

• Comic Torben Rolfsen, on Rolfsen, on the PGA’s U.S. Open switching from an 18-hole playoff to a two-hole playoff: “If they’re still tied after that, they’ll settle it with a long-drive competition.”

• Randy Turner of the Winnipeg Free Press, on the local citizenry going gaga over the rejuvenated NHL Jets: “I haven’t seen this much optimism in Winnipeg since they invented the snowblower.”

• Mike Bianchi of the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel, after ex-Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino said it’s “unjust” for the NCAA to strip the Cardinals of their 2013 national championship as a result of using prostitutes and strippers to woo recruits: “Puh-leeze. Slick Rick was literally and figuratively the piano player in the whorehouse, acting oblivious to what was going on around him as he played ‘Sweet Georgia Brown’ on the keyboard.”