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Sideline Chatter

Those Michael Jordan Tar Heel sneakers that sold at auction for $33,387 are apparently fake.

Not only are the shoes the wrong color for Jordan’s freshman basketball season, two UNC sources pointed out to Grey Flannel Auctions, but the tongues aren’t even hanging out.


• At “Michael Jordan fans commemorate anniversary of remarkable flu Hanes commercial.”

• At “Dodgers cut Brian Wilson, continue to seek offers for Mike Love.”

Paging Mr. Hand

Jay Cutler — with six lost fumbles and an NFL-worst 18 interceptions — is benched as the Bears’ starting QB.

“The turnovers alone don’t damn him,” wrote Bud Shaw of the Cleveland Plain Dealer. “But when you combine them with the fact that his body language is the quarterback equivalent of Spicoli in ‘Fast Times at Ridgemont High,’ something had to give.”

0 for Ten

“The Big Ten has 10 teams in bowls this year,” pointed out college-football guru Phil Steele, “ and all 10 are underdogs in their games.”

Nice sack of cash

When Jaguars defensive tackle Sen’Derrick Marks took down Titans QB Charlie Whitehurst on the game’s final play Thursday night, it triggered the eight-sack clause in Marks’ contract that calls for a $600,000 bonus.

That’s what you call a big gain on the play.

It’s too late now

“The Interview”? Where were the North Korean hackers when we really needed them — when ESPN was filming “The Decision”?

Birth of a Heisman

Oregon QB Marcus Mariota is being touted as the first Heisman Trophy winner to hail from Hawaii.

That is, until Donald Trump demands to see the birth certificate.

Penalty on the play

The Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources has cited property-owner Joe Thomas, the Cleveland Browns tackle, for unlawfully “discharging manure.”

Every boxing promoter in America immediately broke out in a cold sweat.

Talko time

• Times reader Bill Littlejohn, after Texas duffer Michael Furrh broke his own Guinness record for longest usable golf club with a 20-foot, 6-inch driver: “And you thought Charles Barkley had a problem with divots.”

• NBC’s Jimmy Fallon, on the continued thawing of U.S.-Cuban relations: “Today they released one of our prisoners, and in return we sent back one of their shortstops.”

• CBS’s David Letterman, after the Giants and Jets won on the same day: “Astronomers say this will not happen again until the year 2164.”

• RJ Currie of, after the Panthers beat the Capitals in an NHL-record 20-round shootout: “The last time a shootout used that many rounds, it was ended by Doc Holliday.”

Pair Jordan

Gabriel Medina became Brazil’s first-ever world surfing champion Friday, clinching the title with a second-place finish at the Billabong Pipeline Masters in Hawaii.

It’s not cheating to Brazilian-wax a surfboard, is it?

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250or