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Sideline Chatter

What, you think it’s easy delivering the “next man up” speech?

“I always tell the Wally Pipp story,” Arizona Cardinals coach Bruce Arians told SI.com, “even though the players never know who he is, that he’s the guy Lou Gehrig replaced and Wally Pipp could never get his job back.

“The worst part? They don’t know who Lou Gehrig is.”

Headlines

• At TheOnion.com: “Injury that will cause excruciating pain for rest of life thankfully not season-ending.”

• At SportsPickle.com: “RG III: ‘My tires getting slashed was just a team-building exercise.’ ”

The Kobe Crash Diet

“I’m not gonna eat another meal,” proclaimed TBS’s Charles Barkley, “until the Lakers win a game.”

Shouldn’t The Round Mound have talked this over with his stomach first?

Sports quiz

Cavs star LeBron James vehemently denied that he has bad locker-room chemistry with:

a) Kyrie Irving

b) Robert Griffin III

c) Percy Harvin

Pizza break

“The final 42 seconds of Wednesday’s Knicks-Pistons game ran — I kid you not — 20 minutes, 12 seconds!” wrote Phil Mushnick of the New York Post. “It took 1,212 seconds to play 42. With 42 seconds left, you could have ordered a pizza, picked it up, driven home and not missed the end!”

Jet lag

Among the top 10 things overheard in the Jets’ locker room, from CBS’s David Letterman:

• “Someone should quarantine us.

• “Tell my kids I play for the Bills.

• “We’re still doing better than the Democrats.”

Talko time

• NBC’s Jimmy Fallon, on LeBron James’ first game back in Cleveland: “LeBron felt a little slow and awkward out there. Then he looked down and realized that former Miami teammate Dwyane Wade was still hanging on to him.”

• Peter King of Sports Illustrated, via Twitter, on QB Andy Dalton’s pathetic passer rating against the Browns: “Dean Wormer: ‘Mr. Dalton … two point zero.’ ”

• Blogger TC Chong, on that fan who disappeared at a Broncos game and was found 100-plus miles away: “The man said that for no explainable reason, he had the urge to start walking toward Omaha.”

Bye, bye, birdie

Malaysia’s Lee Chong Wei, the world’s top-ranked badminton player, has tested positive for the corticosteroid dexamethasone.

Which certainly explains why all his birdies suddenly started flying south to Australia.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com