Paging Sarah Jessica Parker. If you thought Terrell Owens and Nicollette Sheridan raised some eyebrows on that "Monday Night Football" promo, just wait till you see what the Mariners'...

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Paging Sarah Jessica Parker.

If you thought Terrell Owens and Nicollette Sheridan raised some eyebrows on that “Monday Night Football” promo, just wait till you see what the Mariners’ marketing gurus have planned for “Sexson In Our City.”

Acquitting himself

Jim Sweeney, Dennis Erickson’s old college coach and mentor, says Erickson won’t quit as coach of the 2-11 San Francisco 49ers. OK, fine.

But when Sweeney told the San Jose Mercury News that “Dennis doesn’t have a quitting bone in his body; I don’t think he’s quit anything in his life,” well, that struck a nerve with Chris Cluff, The Times copy desk’s resident Cougar.

Reminded Cluff: “But Jim, what about when Dennis quit Wyoming to go to Washington State? And then quit WSU to go to Miami? And then quit Miami to go to the Seahawks? And then quit Oregon State to go to the 49ers?”

Hit the ‘roids, Jack

• NBC’s Jay Leno, with the latest baseball bombshell: “It turns out Pete Rose has been betting on whether or not Barry Bonds used steroids.”

• Comedian Argus Hamilton, citing legal precedent for possible penalties Bonds could face for using steroids in his state: “He could get four to eight years as governor of California.”

• Andy Kehe of the Bakersfield Californian, on fallout from the BALCO scandal: ” ‘Boy, he really creamed that one’ just took on a whole new meaning.”

• Jim Armstrong of the Denver Post, on the cancerous lesion that doctors removed from the forehead of baseball commissioner Bud Selig: “Hospital workers immediately nicknamed it ‘Barry’.”

He’s a stable influence

Zippy Chippy’s owners have retired the famous Thoroughbred, after he lost for the 100th time without ever winning a race.

Fellow horses, we hear, are already missing his presence, saying Zippy was the glue that held the barn area together.

Going north for the winner

This year’s Fiesta Bowl pits Pitt, coached by Stanford-bound Walt Harris, against Utah, coached by Florida-bound Urban Meyer.

Fiesta organizers are suddenly wondering if it’s too late to move the game to Eugene, Ore., and rename it the Lame Duck Bowl.

Talking the talk

• Dan Daly of the Washington Times, on ESPN2’s telecast of the NXL Paintball World Cup: “There are three divisions, I understand — satin, semi-gloss and oil base.”

• Headline at “Eli Manning Demands Trade To San Diego Chargers.”

• Steve Coppell, manager of England’s Reading FC soccer team, to The Sunday Times of London, after a recent 4-1 loss to Wolverhampton: “I’m a man of few words, but most of the ones I used in the dressing room began with ‘F’ and ‘S’.”

Heard in passing

Now Kobe Bryant is feuding again, this time with Karl Malone, claiming his former teammate made a pass at Mrs. Bryant during a recent Lakers game.

Veteran NBA watchers professed shock at the allegation. No, not that Karl might have done it — but rather that Kobe knew any definition of the word “pass.”

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or