A satirical look back at some of the quirkiest, most eyebrow-raising things that happened in the sports world this week.
Why add insult to injury when you can just add more injury?
Brazilian soccer player Bernardo, playing in a U-20 match for Trinidade, quickly forgot about the back pain that had laid him flat on the field. And all because a cart driver went out to haul Bernardo away and ran over his foot.
• At SportsPickle.com: “Wait until the Cardinals find out that Patrick Mahomes doesn’t come with Kliff Kingsbury.”
• At Fark.com: “NFL referee Walt Coleman announces he’s going to tuck into retirement.”
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U.S. gymnastics star Aly Raisman broke her right elbow in a fall down the stairs.
Needless to say, she didn’t stick the landing.
President Trump was widely panned for the Clemson football team’s White House visit because he:
a) Served the players fast-food hamburgers and pizza
b) Regaled them with nonstop political-football stories
c) Kept all the Happy Meal prizes for himself
Hall of Famer Rod Carew, 73, is expected to be in uniform at Twins spring training next month despite undergoing heart and kidney transplants two years ago.
Which certainly puts a whole new spin on “double switch” in baseball lexicon.
Steve Harvey will host this year’s NFL Honors show on Feb. 2, it was announced last week.
Coincidence? Miss Colombia is now the morning-line favorite for league MVP.
DeMarcus Cousins, just days before his Golden State debut, claimed the Warriors are “the most-hated team in sports.”
“Hold my beer,” said Tom Brady.
Dude Wipes, a flushable toilet-paper alternative, is sponsoring golfer Jason Dufner this year.
Suggested marketing slogan: They’re not a water hazard.
6,065: number of games played (including playoffs) in the Mariners’ 42-year history
6,279: number of days (entering 2019) since the M’s last played in a playoff game
No time to spare
Jon Wilbur landed in the record books when he became the first bowler in Vermont history to record a 900 series — three perfect games.
In other words, 36 strikes and you’re in.
Talking the talk
• Jim DeBow, via Twitter, on President Trump feeding the Clemson football team hamburgers and pizza during their White House visit: “He was going to get Taco Bell but found out that Mexico wouldn’t pay for it.”
• RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on the 153 MLB players who struck out 100-plus times last season: “Reminds me of my high-school dances.”
Justice Is Blind Dept.
Looking for a cutting-edge way to get ejected from a game this season?
Just ask the refs if they’re taking the “Bird Box” challenge.
Beaten on the play
Former Titans cornerback Tony Beckham chased down a man he caught peeping into his daughter’s bedroom window in Wellington, Fla. Geoffrey Cassidy, 48, has a charge of lewd and lascivious behavior pending, not to mention a black eye, busted lip and cuts on his face.
As for Beckham, he was credited with necessary roughness.
Davidson College won’t retire Steph Curry’s No. 30 basketball jersey until he completes his degree, TMZ reported.
In other words, he needs to hit a few more threes on his transcript.
A tanker carrying 20 tons of liquid chocolate overturned near Flagstaff, Ariz., and spilled its load on I-40, creating a pool of chocolate.
Alas, it wasn’t on a Sunday.
One for the show
This women’s basketball score just in:
Megan Walker 34,
Rest of her UConn teammates 41,
Fire up the engine
Kia is recalling about 168,000 vehicles to fix a fuel-pipe problem that can cause engine fires.
Hey, it was either that or name their next line of cars the Kia Hot Rod.
Another 0.1 deduction
Grave Digger’s Tyler Menninga and Max-D’s Colton Eichelberger became the first two drivers to complete back flips in the same Monster Jam truck event on Dec. 11 at the Tacoma Dome.
Monster-truck purists, never satisfied, detected a slight wobble on the landing.
• Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, after 51-year-old Japanese striker Kazuyoshi Miura, the world’s oldest pro soccer player, signed on for a 34th season: “Even Bartolo Colon is telling the guy he has to hang it up sometime.”
• Joe Cesarini, via Facebook, after Royals pitcher Eric Skoglund — 1-6 with a 5.14 ERA last season — landed an 80-day drug suspension: “Someone gave him Mike n Ikes and charged him for steroids.”
• Marty Burtwell, via Facebook, on Petco Park hosting two Monster Jam shows this month: “Hope the Padres’ third-base coach is not there — he’d hold the trucks up.”
• Ex-NFL QB David Carr, via Twitter, on the controversial sack call in the Rams-Cowboys playoff game: “If Dak (Prescott) was ‘in the grasp’ then I was sacked 1,879,987 times.”
• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on President Trump’s menu choice for the Clemson football team’s White House visit: “So do ‘hamberders’ go well with ‘covfefe’?”
Why the long face?
Social media can lead to depression, according to a study in the Journal of Behavioral Addictions.
So a word to the wise here: Don’t watch Orioles games on a Facebook stream.
Tweet of the Week
From the Spurs’ Quincy Pondexter, a “DNP/coach’s decision” in the Spurs’ 154-147, 2-OT win over the Thunder: “Not a bad night.. me and @aldridge_12 combined for 56pts and a W.”
Quote, end quote
• Gymnast Aly Raisman, via Twitter, on breaking her elbow: “I survived two Olympic Games and 19 years of gymnastics without ever breaking a bone … the stairs got me.”
• Brian Manzullo of the Detroit Free Press, on Jan. 12 marking his city’s 1,000th straight day without a playoff win in a major pro sport: “At least we have college basketball. March can’t get here soon enough.”
• Mike Bianchi of the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel, via Twitter, on whether running backs are “a dime a dozen” in today’s NFL: “C.J. Anderson and Damien Williams have a combined seven straight 100-yard games. So the answer is … YES!!!”
• Gary Bachman, via Twitter, after a demolition crew blew up Milwaukee’s former NBA arena: “Talk about getting a lot of bang for your bucks.”
• Blogger TC Chong, on how Gladys Knight, slated to sing the national anthem at this year’s Super Bowl, plans to arrive in Atlanta: “The midnight train to Georgia.”