And to think, some people called in sick last week with a Super Bowl hangover.

Meanwhile, Italian downhiller Sofia Goggia skied to a silver medal in Beijing — 23 days after a spill in which she cracked her fibula AND tore her ACL.

Headlines

• At Fark.com: “NBC wants you to know their Super Bowl ratings KILLED IT. Oh, and their Olympics … look, a bunny.”

• At TheOnion.com: “Rams dedicate win to whatever city they play for.”

On thin ice

Winter Olympic officials said there would be no medals ceremony if Russian figure skater Kamila Valieva placed in the top three.

Hey, it was either that or the dreaded double-secret probation.

Going nowhere

A cargo ship packed with luxury cars caught fire and is aimlessly adrift in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Advertising

Sort of the nautical equivalent of the L.A. Lakers.

A shot at the majors

The Chicago White Sox became the first team to mandate COVID-19 boosters for all their minor-league players.

Translation: Roll up your sleeves and let’s get to work!

Set your DVRs

It’s already been a week. Shouldn’t the next Super Bowl pregame show have started by now?

No flipping out

The team that won the opening coin toss has now lost the past eight Super Bowls.

Where’s the public outcry over the unfairness of that?

Steeeeerike!

“If the business of baseball is so bad for the owners,” tweeted Fox Sports’ Brock Huard, “why are no teams for sale?”

And no spiking

Rams receiver Van Jefferson’s wife went into labor at the Super Bowl and gave birth to a son a couple hours after the game.

Advertising

Unfortunately, he couldn’t find an end zone to run to and celebrate with teammates.

Urine trouble

Ukrainian bobsledder Lidiia Hunko failed her initial drug test for an anabolic steroid at the Beijing Olympics.

Needless to say, it was all downhill from there.

Four more years

The College Football Playoff is set to remain a four-team format through the 2025 season, it was announced Friday.

Well then, Pac-12, there’s always 2026.

Make room, Paul Bearer

The Undertaker will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame on April 1.

Apparently he got 75% of the vote from the Rasslin’ Writers Association of America, or something like that.

Talking the talk

• Comedy writer Marc Ragovin, on the Russian figure skater claiming she must have inadvertently taken her grandfather’s heart medication: “No wonder her long program consisted of skating in circles with her turn signal on.”

Advertising

• Bears Hall of Fame linebacker Dick Butkus, via Twitter: “The USFL is back. Herschel Walker is all over the news. Did I have a stroke, or is it still 1985?”

• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, not sure why he is such a fan of Olympic curling: “It combines so many bad memories: ice, cold, shouting, sweeping and passing a stone.”

She’s beaming

Texans DB Jonathan Owens popped the question to gymnastics icon Simone Biles on Valentine’s Day.

Happy? She said yes, and a 10.0 floor-exercise routine broke out.

Quote marks

• TNT’s Charles Barkley, to reporters, on why he’ll probably retire as a studio analyst when his contract is up in two years: “I don’t want to die on TV. I want to die on the golf course or somewhere fishing. I don’t want to be sitting inside over (by) fat-ass Shaq (waiting) to drop dead.”

• Comedy writer Paul Lander, via Twitter, on the Super Bowl turning 56: ”Which means they’ve been getting harassed by AARP.”

• Boyce Garrison on The San Diego Union-Tribune, after country singer Trace Adkins was chosen to perform the national anthem before the Daytona 500: “Snoop Dogg must have been unavailable.”

Sponsored

• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on Roger Goodell admitting that the NFL “fell short” in hiring minority head coaches this offseason: “If only the league didn’t have to spend so much time focused on important issues, like the right color socks.”

Razing Arizona

Cardinals QB Kyler Murray not only believes he is being scapegoated for the team’s playoff loss, ESPN’s Chris Mortensen reported, he is self-centered, immature and someone who points fingers.

“I’m not! I’m not! I’m not!” he stomped as he scrubbed all Cardinals references from his Instagram account.

Quote marks

• Snowboard icon Shaun White, to ABC’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live!”, on why he cut off his ionic red locks in 2012: “Randomly I was on a trip to Las Vegas, and I bumped into Carrot Top. I remember it being like meeting the ghost of Christmas Future.”

• RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, after golfer Harry Higgs lifted up his shirt at the Waste Managment Phoenix Open to get a reaction from the gallery: “Which showed us, among other things, that Higgs needs better waist management.”

• Nick Canepa of The San Diego Union-Tribune, on Falcons owner Arthur Blank calling the NFL’s lack of minority head-coaching hires “just not acceptable”: “It’s apparently acceptable in Atlanta, where his Falcons are one of 13 franchises never to have a Black head coach.”

• Stephen Colbert of CBS, on the IOC handing out Olympic torches instead of medals to the U.S. figure-skating team while it sorts out the Russian mess: “Evidently they were out of Olympic pitchforks.”