Russell Wilson hit the jackpot in Vegas.

The Seahawks quarterback won the Pro Bowl’s precision-passer competition for the third time in the past four years, hitting 12 of 16 targets and outpointing the Patriots’ Mac Jones 29-9.

The 29 points is a record for the event, which is part of the Pro Bowl festivities in Las Vegas, and comes less than four months after undergoing surgery that caused him to miss three games.

Tweeted Wilson: “Guess that finger stills works.”

D.C. headlines

• At TheOnion.com: “Washington Commanders primed to sign free agents after receiving $30 billion from defense budget.”

• At Fark.com: “Washington Football Team goes Commando.”

Get a whiff of this

Critics say Major League Baseball has devolved into too many strikeouts and too little action.

But enough about the bargaining sessions.

Envelope, please

The Washington Football Team announced its new nickname — Commanders — on NBC’s “Today Show” on Groundhog Day.

What, was Geraldo Rivera off reopening Al Capone’s vault or something?

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D.C. does it

The Society of One-Column Headline Writers is weighing in on the Commanders nickname.

Best suggestion for abbreviating it is C-Men. Worst is either Commies or Commodes.

QB, or not QB?

Bucs QB Tom Brady, to no one’s surprise, announced his retirement last week.

That takes the undecided list down to Brett Favre (yes/no/yes/no/maybe) and Aaron Rodgers (still doing his own research).

Up in smoke

The NFL has awarded $1 million for studies on how cannabinoids impact pain management in players.

Or, they could save themselves the money and just ask Ricky Williams.

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Drafting a sleeper

Miami Lakes, Florida, hosted the Pillow Fight Championships on Jan. 29, crowning winners in men’s and women’s divisions.

“Hey, come up with your own idea,” said the NFL, whose Pro Bowlers stage their own pillow fight on Sunday.

Talking the talk

• Blogger Patti Dawn Swansson, on the last three NHL goaltenders still using wooden sticks: “I hesitate to call them dinosaurs, but today even Pinocchio would be made of carbon fiber and dipped in urethane.”

• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, via Twitter, on Tom Brady’s retirement: “But wait, don’t you have to rip off your shirt and dance in the end zone in front of the crowd to retire from the Bucs?”

He’s outta here

Joe West made if official and called it quits as an MLB umpire, after working a record 5,460 regular-season games.

In other words, he gave himself the thumb.

Quote, end quote

• Country singer Walker Hayes, to AP, after his halftime performance at the AFC Championship Game drowned out the CBS studio crew live on the sideline: “Sorry guys, next time we won’t turn it up to 11!”

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• Comedy writer Brad Dickson, via Twitter, on Supreme Court Justice Breyer calling it quits: “Man, first Stephen Breyer and now (Tom) Brady. What is it with all these 83-year-olds suddenly retiring?”

• Mark Whicker, in his final column for The Orange County Register, on the Rams’ 40-year-old left tackle: “I’m looking for signs that indicate whether The Asteroid will crash into earth before Andrew Whitworth retires.”

• Bears Hall of Famer Dick Butkus, via Twitter: “I think it’s great Giselle let Tom Brady retire. Hopefully she’ll let him keep Rob Gronkowski in the yard.”

• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on ex-coach Brian Flores claiming the Dolphins offered him $100,000 per game to lose: “Jets fans thinking, ‘Hey, our team does it for nothing.’ ”

Hooky pattern

Cincinnati Public Schools are giving staff and students the day off on Monday, Feb. 14, the day after the Bengals play in Super Bowl LVI.

The schools in Kansas City — after blowing a 21-3 lead to Cincy in the AFC Championship Game — reportedly turned down a request for a day of bereavement leave.

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Quote marks

• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “Go$h, I wonder why the IOC picked $uch a $nowless, autocratic, human-right$-violating place a$ Beijing for the Winter Olympic$?”

• Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, after the Chiefs released Damon Arnette following his latest arrest: “He’s going to have a hard time getting another job … outside the NFL.”

• Boyce Garrison of The San Diego Union-Tribune, on the Bengals going from 2-14 to 4-11-1 to the Super Bowl in just three seasons: “So there’s always hope. Well, maybe not for Lions fans, who have one playoff win since 1957. But for everyone else, maybe.”

• Ric Meyer, via Twitter, on Super Bowl LVI: “I heard that there will be a football game at the Dr. Dre, Eminem, Snoop and Mary J. Blige concert.”

• Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com, on the new Commanders nickname: “It was a nice touch for the team to name itself after President Biden’s dog.”

• Tim Hunter of Everett’s KRKO Radio, on last Tuesday’s Chinese New Year kicking off the Year of the Tiger: “I have a feeling Joe Burrow agrees.”