Wanna get away? Become a Seahawk!

The soon-to-be-released NFL schedule shows Seattle will travel 29,446 air miles and cross 34 time zones en route to its road games this coming season.

By comparison, the Steelers will register 6,442 miles and never leave the Eastern time zone.

Headlines

• At Fark.com: “NFL finds it is impossible to tell if the Cleveland Browns are tanking on purpose or if they are simply just being the Cleveland Browns.”

• At TheOnion.com: “Diminished James Harden not flopping with same agility.”

Can’t find the green

Phil Mickelson racked up gambling losses of $40 million from 2010 to 2014, according to author Alan Shipnuck in his forthcoming biography of the PGA star.

You just know some wiseacre will be screaming “Get out of the hole!” the next time he putts.

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19 games in the Red

The Cincinnati Reds are off to their worst 25-game start ever — 3-22.

It’s gotten so bad even Pete Rose won’t bet on them.

Fill of NIL

With Name, Image and Likeness abuses running amok in college athletics, how soon before there’s a call for a salary cap?

Pass the dictionary

Disgruntled receiver Deebo Samuel is once again following the 49ers on Instagram.

So he’s back to being simply gruntled now?

Eye-for-an-Eye Dept.

A 21-year-old Newcastle United fan was arrested after he was caught on video urinating on a statue of Sunderland legend Bob Stokoe and held on suspicion of disorderly conduct.

What, no yellow card?

Stopped short

Former Patriots tackle Matt Light, 43, lost out in a four-person race to win one of two seats on the Foxborough School Committee.

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Or, to put it in football terms, he came up third-and-short.

All bats are off

Hey, badder batter!

MLB hitters had a bad April, scoring the fewest runs per game (4.0) in the month since 1981 and posting the worst batting average (.231) in history.

Goldfingered

Diego Maradona’s 1986 World Cup jersey — in which he scored his legendary “Hand of God” goal — was auctioned off by Sotheby’s for a record $9.3 million.

Hand of God? More like Hand Over the Gold.

Getting jobbed?

The U.S. added 428,000 jobs in April.

Or a few less if the USFL folds again.

Two-by-fore

Border-hugging Aroostook Valley Country Club is a golf anomaly, with its parking lot and pro shop in the U.S. (Maine) and its course and clubhouse in Canada (New Brunswick).

Wouldn’t that make it a two-country club?

Bird exception II

The NBA fined the Warriors’ Draymond Green $25,000 for flipping off Memphis fans with both hands during Game 2 of their playoff series.

Actually, it was $15,000 per hand, but they gave him a two-bird discount.

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Talking the talk

• Nick Canepa of The San Diego Union-Tribune, after owner Mark Davis said the Raiders would welcome QB Colin Kaepernick “with open arms”: “Sure. Venus de Milo arms.”

• Tim Hunter of Everett’s KRKO Radio, on why he’s not a good source for Kentucky Derby bets: “The one I picked last year just came in.”

Up, down

Ex-Navy SEAL Jack Kuenzle, 26, climbed and skied down the 5,254-foot elevation gain of Oregon’s 11,254-foot Mount Hood in just over 1½ hours on April 24.

People get stuck in rush-hour traffic for longer than that.

Quote marks

• Mike Bianchi of the Ortando (Florida) Sentinel, on sports’ next headache: “How long will it be before the stud college quarterback — two days before the big game — threatens to enter the transfer portal unless the boosters renegotiate his NIL deal? You know it’s going to happen eventually.”

• Comedy writer Brad Dickson, on Russian leader Vladimir Putin purportedly having a former Olympic gymnast as a girlfriend: “OK, all you people who believe in karma — explain this one?”

• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on the Phillies blowing a 7-1 lead in the ninth: “Giants manager Gabe Kapler never wants to hear about piling on with a big lead again.”

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All Brady, all the time

The Tom Brady news cycle never stops spinning. According to CBSsports.com:

• On Nov. 13 in Munich, the Bucs ageless wonder will become the first QB to start in four countries — the U.S., England, Mexico and now, Germany.

• Brady is only 258 yards from breaking the record for passing yards in foreign countries held by … drumroll, please … Blake Bortles.

Quote, end quote

• RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on the Reds fan who caught a foul ball with one hand while bottle-feeding his baby with the other: “He earned a rookie jersey for his infant son and a contract offer from the Reds.”