No trophy for him? Oh, man.
This year’s Green Lakes Endurance Run 50K in Fayetteville, N.Y., found itself in an embarrassing spot when it came time to hand out its two awards — for top finisher and top female finisher — after Ellie Pell, 27, outran everybody to win it by nearly 8 minutes.
“I felt bad that the first-place man didn’t have one,” she told Runner’s World, “ so I tried to convince them to blot out the ‘fe’ on ‘female,’ but they said to just keep both trophies.”
• At @TheOnion: “Report: Little League pitchers could avoid overtaxing their arms by, you know, getting somebody out.”
• At @SportsPickle: “So Ohio State will make money every time they miss THE college football playoff? Smart.”
4,800 furlongs, so what?
Bob Long, 70, of Boise, Idaho, rode more than two dozen semi-feral horses over 12 days en route to capturing the 600-mile Mongol Derby across the Mongolian Steppe.
Even more amazing, he only had to pit three times for right-side horseshoes.
Bowling for dollars
The Sun Bowl’s new name sponsor? Frosted Flakes.
Apparently Kellogg’s No. 1 choice — the Rose Bowl — refused to be called the Grrreat Granddaddy of Them All.
Q: Why did John Daly leave the driving range to go to the pizza parlor?
A: He wanted to work on his slices.
A pride of lions ate three poachers who broke into a South African game reserve to hunt rhinoceroses, Newsweek reported.
This partial score just in: Lions 3, Raiders 0.
Tooth and consequences
The “fair-price” payout by the Tooth Fairy has skyrocketed to $3.70, according to a survey commissioned by Delta Dental.
Which is certainly good news if you’re an 8-year-old or a hockey player.
Fire and ice
A British man has been hospitalized for weeks with groin blisters and severe burns from leaving hair-removal cream on too long.
On the bright side, though, he just clinched the first annual Antonio Brown Weird Injury of the Year Award.
Juan Carlos Saez of Chile — the world’s 1,082nd-ranked tennis player — has been banned eight years for match-fixing.
Officials figured something was amiss when he started using a racket with no strings in it.
Doing a full 360
Reece Hampton of the Class A Lakeland (Fla.) Flying Tigers bunted for a Little League home run when the catcher’s throw sailed down the right-field line and the ball didn’t get returned in time — the decisive run in a 2-1 win.
No word on whether the Tigers got taken to Dairy Queen for postgame treats.
Shouldn’t New York’s XFL franchise, the Guardians, be called the LaGuardians?
Shouldn’t A’s pitcher A.J. Puk be a hockey player?
Americians left a record 768 million vacation days go unused last year.
“Don’t blame us — we took all of ours,” said the Detroit Tigers.
Talking the talk
• Heretofore doughy Phil Mickelson, via Twitter, after his sister posted a beach photo in which the golfer looks absolutely ripped: “FYI, those weird bumps on the side of my stomach we’ve never seen before, Doc called them obliques and said it’s nothing to worry about.”
• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on the most preseason Super Bowl bets in Las Vegas books being placed on the Bears and Browns: “There’s a reason they’ve been able to afford to build all those amazing resorts.”
Not that we’ve been getting overinundated with college-football hype or anything, but just woke up in a cold sweat from a dream that Trump University was playing Electoral College.
Snippet from a parking-lot exchange between Tiger Woods and NBC’s Roger Maltbie, in an uncussessful attempt to score a pre-round interview:
Maltbie: “Hey, Tiger, I hate to bother you, but they pay me a lot of money. They asked me to do this. They paid me a lot of money. I don’t mean to be a pain.”
Woods: “They pay me a lot more to not do it.”
Hold that line
There’s a move afoot to create a separate union for NFL running backs.
But they just might want to co-opt with the Big Uglies Guild if they ever need a good picket line.
Glass House Dept.
Raiders safety Lamarcus Joyner dismissed the Cardinals’ Air Raid offense as “pretty boy football.”
Considering Joyner’s team gave up the most points in the NFL last season, what does that make Oakland’s defense — “Chucky cheese”?
Quote, end quote
• Celtics legend Bob Cousy, 91, upon receiving the Presidential Medal of Freedom: “If I’d known I was going to be eulogized, I would have probably done the only decent thing and died for you.”
• Vikings linebacker Anthony Barr, to the NFL Network, on why he got cold feet after agreeing to leave Minnesota and sign with the Jets: “It was like you’re about to go down the altar and marry the wrong woman.”
• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, via Twitter, on why Mike Tyson — who says he smokes $40,000 worth of marijuana a month — once bit off a chunk of Evander Holyfield’s ear: “He had the munchies.”
• Comedy writer Brad Dickson, via Twitter, after the country’s oldest man — a Texan who died at 112 — attributed his long life to a daily cigar and a shot of whiskey. “You know, I’ve been doing this healthy-living thing all wrong.”
One for the roads
Washington highways improved from 43rd to 37th nationally in cost-effectiveness and performance, according to the 24th annual Highway Report.
Which means there’s hope for the Mariners’ 27-38 road record.
With fantasy-football drafts now in earnest, I’ll save you the trouble of scouring those experts’ “must-have” players lists and give you:
QB: Patrick Mahomes
RBs: Saquon Barkley, Christian McCaffrey and Alvin Kamara
WRs: DeAndre Hopkins, Davante Adams and Julio Jones
TE: Travis Kelce
Eagles coach Doug Pederson says the NFL should replace some preseason games with joint practices.
“Joint practices?” said Josh Gordon. “I’m in!”
• Mike Hart of the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, not surprised at the injury that’s kept Packers QB Aaron Rodgers sidelined in preseason: “Well, to be honest, the guy should have a sore back from carrying the Green & Gold for 14 years.”
• Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun, on Boston fans whining about this Red Sox season gone south: “Boo hoo … You’ve won four World Series in the past 15 years, 12 championships in the city over that time. The time to shut up about this was yesterday.”
• Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, after Yankees manager Aaron Boone offered his support for a “surrender rule” to avoid prolonged blowouts: “Which the Orioles could invoke right after the playing of the national anthem.”
• Greg Cote of the Miami Herald, via Twitter, returning from vacation to take in a Dolphins’ preseason game: “Fake Game 3. After the first quarter the Fins have had 14 offensive plays totaling 10 net yards. I need another vacation.”