Cue the “Dragnet” theme: Dumb-de-dumb-dumb.

A man caught trespassing in Eddie Hall’s garden in Newcastle-under-Lyme, England, immediately challenged Hall to a fight. Luckily for the perp his offer wasn’t accepted.

Turns out the 6-foot-3, 350-pound Hall was the World’s Strongest Man in 2017, is currently training for a boxing match in Las Vegas and is nicknamed “The Beast.”

Headlines

• At Fark.com: “Astros owner wants fans in the stands so he can sell overpriced, watered down cold beer.”

• At TheOnion.com: “Report: Washington NFL franchise to redact its name.”

Not up to par

David Feherty says his finest moment in golf came at St. Andrews, where “I captained the Irish side that won the 3-man world championship back in 1990 in a blind hangover. I threw up twice on the course.”

Which certainly gives the golf term “up and down” a whole new meaning.

Pass the mustard

Lindsay Whalen, the Minnesota women’s basketball coach, says she’ll buy a hot dog for the first 500 fans at the Gophers’ home opener this season, the St. Paul Pioneer Press reported.

In a related story, Joey Chestnut just bought 75 tickets.

Make it stop

Sure sign we’ve been in lockdown too long: ClutchPoints.com just posted a story headlined “Every known tattoo on Andre Iguodala’s body.”

Out of bounds

Kings center Richaun Holmes “accidentally” crossed the NBA campus line in Orlando to pick up a food delivery, landing him in 10-day quarantine.

That’s what you call a costly over-and-back violation.

Hot dog

Just wondering: If Joey Chestnut doesn’t need four preseason tuneups, why does the NFL?

These guys are strict

Indiana self-reported an NCAA violation — a wrestler who made nearly $14 off his YouTube channel to fund him as a Fortnite gamer.

Possible penalties range from double-secret probation to a three-year football bowl ban.

Name game

With the push to rename teams with controversial mascots comes a suggestion that Cleveland drop Indians and replace it with its 19th-century MLB predecessor, the Spiders.

Hey, don’t laugh: Who better for spinning web gems and catching flies?

All for naught

Seattle’s two soccer teams — the MLS Sounders and NWSL Reign — have combined to score just two goals in six matches since their restarts.

Don’t know about you, but my fantasy soccer league team is already in shambles.

That’ll fill a sack

Cleveland pass-rusher Myles Garrett just agreed to a five-year, $125 million contract extension.

In keeping with the theme, the Browns passed the hat — Mason Rudolph’s.

Braking up

Packers QB Aaron Rodgers and former race-car driver Danica Patrick are no longer an item, her rep announced.

Rodgers apologists claim he called an audible; her spinmeisters say they hit the skids.

Thanks for masking

NFL officiating crews are expected to take COVID-19 precautions while working games this season.

On the plus side, when bitter fans now say “We was robbed!”, at least it was by guys wearing masks.

Trouble dribble

Hotel security responding to a noise complaint in the NBA Disney World bubble knocked on a door and discovered Jimmy Butler — covered with sweat from bouncing a basketball in his room.

Which probably explains why the noise stopped every 24 seconds.

In the Cardinal red

Stanford, despite its $27.7 billion endowment, is dropping 11 varsity sports amid the pandemic.

So obviously money doesn’t grow on this Tree, either.

Talking the talk

• Comedy writer Brad Dickson, via Twitter, on some of his fellow Nebraskans: “There’s something seriously wrong with people who will wear a rubber corncob on their noggin but won’t be seen in public in a COVID mask.”

• Tony Thompson, son of Washington State quarterbacking great Jack, tweeting out an ultrasound picture: “Hey, everyone, meet The Growin’ Samoan.”

• Rockets coach Mike D’Antoni, to reporters, on why coaching while social distancing isn’t an issue for him: “That’s how we guard anyway.”

Say what?

More than 10 umpires will not participate in the pandemic-shortened MLB season.

Talk about a mixed message: They want to be safe, so they’re out.

Quote marks

• Blogger Patti Dawn Swansson, on the wisdom of Canada letting teams from the virus-plagued U.S. cross the supposedly closed border to play the Blue Jays in Toronto: “I’m no epidemiologist, but I’d feel safer telling Mike Tyson his face tattoo looks stupid.”

• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on news that Philadelphia Eagles home games will be played without fans this season: “Will they be allowed to pipe in boos?”

• Ex-Florida AD Jeremy Foley, to the Orlando Sentinel, on the COVID cash crunch facing college athletic departments: “You have those reserves to get you through a rainy day, but obviously this isn’t a rainy day; this is a hurricane.”

Good question

“If the Rose Parade is a public-health risk not worth taking,” wonders Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com, “would a Rose Bowl game played in the same venue make sense?”

Quote, end quote

• Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, after Johnny Manziel opined that his football career is “in the past”: “This is not what we in the newspaper business would call a scoop.”

• British golfer Eddie Pepperell, via Twitter: “With every drive Bryson (DeChambeau) hits, I see my impending barista job come closer.”

• Jacson Bevens, via Twitter, after the implosion of the Pistons’ former home, The Palace of Auburn Hills: “I hope Ron Artest got to push the button.”