And you thought getting booed was rough?

“My wife had an odd way of comforting my son after a rough pitching outing yesterday,” tweeted Rangers broadcaster C.J. Nitkowski, who had an 18-32 record as an MLB lefty. “ ‘Well, at least you still get to live in our house. When dad pitched bad we usually had to move.’ ”

Headlines

• At TheOnion.com: “Kyrie Irving suggests NBA hold games inside higher plane of reality beyond limits of mortal realm.”

• At @SportsPickle: “Roger Goodell announces 4-game suspension of Roger Goodell for not realizing racism exists.”

Basketball 101

With the NBA trying to resume its season during the COVID-19 pandemic, “spacing the floor” certainly takes on a whole new meaning.

Going 6-under

PGA Tour player Harold Varner III took advantage of his time at home during the coronavirus quarantine to install … a septic tank.

There wasn’t a dry eye in sight when a fan showed up just as it was being lowered to yell “Get in the hole!”

News flash

This just in: NCAA threatens to double its basketball penalties against Oklahoma State if Kansas, Arizona and Louisville don’t clean up their acts.

Feathers!

The European Badminton Championships — originally scheduled for April 21-26 in Kyiv, Ukraine — have now been canceled.

At least, that’s what a little birdie told us.

NFL quiz

“It’s impossible what they’re asking us to do. Humanly impossible,” said Ravens coach John Harbaugh last week after:

a) reading the NFL’s list of COVID-19 restrictions for opening training facilities

b) five months trying to concoct a defense to stop Patrick Mahomes

They call him Flopper

Michael Jordan and the crew on his 80-foot fishing boat “Catch 23” hauled in a 442-pounder during the Big Rock Blue Marlin Tournament off the North Carolina coast.

In fact, the fish flopped so much they nicknamed it Laimbeer.

Money player

USC and Reggie Bush can renew their ties once again after the ex-running back’s 10-year NCAA ban for taking improper benefits finally expired.

In keeping with the theme, Heritage Hall plans to bring back Bush’s tainted Heisman Trophy with its hand extended palm-side up.

Hold your hat

The Browns are talking contract extension with defensive end Myles Garrett.

Team negotiators are hereby advised to keep their chin straps fastened.

Card cornucopia

New Jersey resident James Micioni died in March at 97, leaving his unsuspecting heirs with a collection of vintage baseball cards in excellent condition — including ones autographed by Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig and Jimmy Foxx — worth potential millions.

This just in: Gehrig now has competition for Luckiest Man on the Face of the Earth honors.

Talking the talk

• Mike Hart of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, endorsing electric football as a quarantine activity: “Sure the game is loud and basically makes no sense. So it’s just like an NFL pregame show. And your kicker will be far more accurate than anyone the Bears have hired lately.”

• Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com, on the enmity between MLB owners and players: “If Rob Manfred called Tony Clark and suggested they have dinner together tonight, I would not be surprised if both men brought food tasters with them.”

Make it stop

Were you ready for some Foosball?

ESPN — after milking captive audiences with its Michael Jordan and Lance Armstrong documentaries — went to the well one more time with Friday’s showing of “Foosballers,” a history of the table game.

Sky & Sea Dept.

Talk about having an up-and-down career.

Astronaut/oceanographer Kathy Sullivan, the first U.S. woman to walk in space, emerged Sunday from a 35,810-foot dive to the Challenger Deep, the deepest of Earth’s seabed recesses.

Watch your seat

The Beachhotel Sahlenburg on Germany’s North Sea plans to ban guests weighing over 286 pounds once it reopens after the pandemic, fearing for the safety of the resort’s “elegant designer furniture.”

So much for the Sumo Wrestling Retreat that organizers envisioned.

Quote marks

• Comedy writer Marc Ragovin, on the NHL’s virus-shortened season: “I think it is safe to suggest that this season’s Norris Trophy winner will be a stay at home defenseman.”

• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on MLB looking at a 76-game season: “Well, good news for those who worried the Orioles would lose 100 games this year.”

• RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, after the PGA Tour’s John Deere Classic fell victim to the coronavirus pandemic: “Yes, Dear — no Deere.”

• Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, on MLB’s proposed 50-game season: “ It takes more than 50 games for a baseball season to clear its throat.”