High school pitcher Don King turned in quite the two-way performance — throwing a no-hitter, striking out 16 and going 15 for 17 at the plate — in an 82-0 nonconference baseball win over Notre Dame Cristo Rey.

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Take that, Shohei Ohtani!

Old Rochester (Mass.) Regional High School pitcher Don King turned in quite the two-way performance — throwing a no-hitter, striking out 16 and going 15 for 17 at the plate — in an 82-0 nonconference baseball win over Notre Dame Cristo Rey.

The mismatch was apparently the result of a scheduling mix up. Turns out there are two Notre Dame Cristo Reys in Massachusetts, and the one with an enrollment of just 103 — about one-seventh Old Rochester’s size — got scheduled.

Headlines

• At Fark.com: “Lance Armstrong settles his lawsuit with U.S. government for $5 million, a Livestrong bracelet and his remaining testicle.”

• At Deadspin.com: “Baker Mayfield receives honor of being next doomed Cleveland QB.”

Coat-check time

A San Francisco TV sports anchor was reportedly caught on security video stealing a jacket from a Warriors security guard.

Adding further insult, he’s already been banned from next year’s Masters.

Fact of the Week

You can slip us this Mickey anytime: A 1952 Mantle baseball card has sold for $2.88 million — or 384 times the $7,500 he was paid to play that season.

Short and long of it

Ever hear of an NFL player whose business card is six inches wide?

Top Buccaneers draft pick Vita Vea, the Tongan D-lineman out of Washington, sports a full name of Tevita Tuli’aki’ono Tuipulotu Mosese Va’hae Fehoko Faletau Vea.

One for the aged

Stock-car icon Hershel McGriff, 90, will drive in the NASCAR K & N Pro Series West race May 5 at Tucson (Ariz.) Speedway.

His pit crew’s first order of business: installing the nonstop left-turn signal.

Err ball

All 22 ESPN experts predicted that Portland would beat New Orleans in their NBA playoff series — only to have the Pelicans sweep the Blazers in four.

Even Brandon Belt’s 21-pitch at-bat didn’t produce that many foul tips.

Hitting

A rare Shohei Ohtani baseball card could be worth as much as $60,000.

Thousands of Japanese parents immediately made a mad dash to see what’s flapping in the spokes of their kids’ bicycle tires.

Talking the talk

• Jim Barach of WCHS-TV in Charleston, W.Va., on a company producing baseball bats sporting an axe-type handle” “Which gives a whole new meaning to the ‘Baltimore Chop.’ ”

• Times reader Charlie Gay, after the Tampa Bay Buccaneers announced they’d use a parrot to announce their Day 3 draft picks: “Polly want a ’backer?”

Attention, front row

Packers QB Aaron Rodgers just purchased a minority share of the NBA’s Milwaukee Bucks.

So in his honor, will there be a Lambeau-like leap after every basket?

It’s a love-in

Arkansas’ 10-16 tennis team played Tennessee State — six times! in one day! — so it could rack up six quick wins, reach .500 and thus become eligible for NCAA postseason play.

So what’s next, Hogs, a day-night football doubleheader against Slippery Rock?

Hold that line

Two former cheerleaders who recently filed discrimination claims against the NFL said they’d settle them for $1 each if Commissioner Roger Goodell would agree to meet with them.

Or, as their lawyers officially spelled it out: 2 bits, 4 bits, 6 bits, a dollar.

Know your movies

The film “Never on Sunday” is:

a) a 1960 Greek black-and-white romantic comedy

b) a mythical showdown between the 0-16 Lions and the 0-16 Browns

Papered Roses

Pete Rose’s estranged wife says he still owes big money to casinos and the IRS.

Just call him Charlie Hustled.

No can of corn

A kid at Yankee Stadium caught a foul ball in his glove filled with popcorn, sending the white stuff flying.

But it was a one-hop liner. Shouldn’t it have been a pop-up?

Lighten up, Francis

And from the These Guys Are Strict file:

• New Tennessee football coach Pruitt panned his team’s fan support when only 65,098 showed up to see his team play — in the Vols’ spring game.

• UCLA defensive back Shea Pitts got flagged for targeting — in the Bruins’ spring game.

Setting a smoke screen

Former NBA player Kenyon Martin says more than 80 percent of NBA players smoke pot.

“Whatever,” said new NBPA president Cheech Marin.

Quote marks

• CBS’s James Corden, after a 20-year-old Colorado man, Dylan McWilliams survived a rattlesnake bite, a bear bite and a shark bite in a four-year span: “Based on these incidents, we do know a lot about this man. For example, he must taste delicious.”

• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, when injured Steeler Ryan Shazier made a dramatic appearance at the NFL draft: “It was so touching, NFL Commissioner Roger Goddell had to blow his nose in a million-dollar bill.”

• Warriors coach Steve Kerr, to the San Francisco Chronicle, after Klay Thompson averaged 25.7 points a game and shot 65 percent on threes as the team took a 3-0 series lead over the Spurs: “I just look at Klay like a machine … zero maintenance.”

• San Diego State RB Rashaad Penny, the Seahawks’ first-round draft pick, on whether he’s familiar with any of his future teammates besides Russell Wilson: “Not really, but I played with them on Madden.”

• Gary Bachman, on the high-school golfer in Michigan who got attacked by a goose: ”He got revenge when he shot a birdie.”

• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on Brandon Belt’s record 21-pitch AB: “Llasted longer than some celebrity marriages.”

• TBS’s Conan O’Brien, after President Donald Trump tweeted that he is considering a pardon request made by Sylvester Stallone: “The pardon is for the guy who wrote ‘Rocky V.’ ”

• Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, via Facebook, on the PGA’s Wells Fargo Championship: “The winner gets a trophy, four unwanted checking accounts and unneeded car insurance.”