Sounds like the Chiefs should have given Andy Reid his Super Bowl ring as the prize in a Happy Meal box.
“You wear it for special occasions,” the K.C. coach noted after getting his title bauble. “Or if you want a free cheeseburger, you just point right there and show ’em that ring and you might get one.”
• At Fark.com: “Washington releasing running back Adrian Peterson for fear his off-field reputation might taint an otherwise stellar organization.”
• At TheOnion.com: “Michael Phelps breaches surface to ask if coronavirus still happening before returning to briny depths.”
Prolonging the agony
Giants manager Gabe Kapler challenged a play at first base with his team ahead 18-2 in the seventh inning.
So why isn’t there an unwritten rule about that?
Paging Marty Robbins
Kraft Heinz has bestowed its Kraft Hockeyville USA 2020 grand prize — and more importantly, $150,000 for rink upgrades and $10,000 for equipment — to … the West Texas town of El Paso’s El Paso County Coliseum, built in 1942 to host rodeos.
Talk about celebrations: Rose’s Cantina ran out of ice in just 30 minutes.
Food for thought
Rioters are weaponizing cans of soup, President Trump claimed in a video gone viral.
“Hey, don’t laugh,” said Jose Canseco. “You ever been conked on the head by a can of corn?”
Don’t bet on it
The once staunch, anti-wagering NFL has done an about-face, letting the Raiders relocate to Las Vegas and allowing teams to sign sponsorship deals with gambling entities.
“Think I could have my 1963 season back?” asked Paul Hornung.
Truth in advertising
From Peter King’s FMIA blog: The Mets’ starting lineup on a recent SNY telecast was sponsored by a local party-planning company named … Send In the Clowns.
Gotta give ’em credit
Allegiant Stadium, the Raiders’ new home in Las Vegas, will be the first American pro sports venue that won’t accept cash for game-day transactions.
And no, not poker chips, either.
You go long
Royce Daugherty — a 6-foot-3, 300-pound starting lineman at Watervliet (Mich.) High School — needed something to do when fall football was scrapped, so he’s now a member of the Cannoneers’ cross-country team.
Well, that’s one way to improve your downfield blocking.
Tweet of the Week
Sara Stock, wife of Red Sox relief pitcher Robert Stock: “0 times divorced, but if he keeps walking the leadoff batter, I’ll consider filing.”
Hard foul alert
Ex-NBA tough guy Charles Oakley will be a contestant on the next iteration of “Dancing with the Stars.”
We’d be more inclined to tune in if he shared the dance floor with Bill Laimbeer.
Ring in the holidays
Looking for that surefire holiday stocking-stuffer for that Chiefs fan on your list who seemingly has everything? Jostens has limited-edition replica Super Bowl rings for sale.
And it’s there for the taking — just as long as the $12,500 price tag doesn’t put a crimp in your gift budget.
Talking the talk
• Nick Canepa of the San Diego Union-Tribune, on Mavericks wunderkind Luka Doncic: “I love Doncic’s game, but at least let him shave before comparing him to Larry Bird.”
• Enscribed on the baseball by Tom Seaver, in 1982, after yielding Ron Roenicke’s first MLB home run: “To Ron. Why me? Tom Seaver.”
In the penalty box
The entire Alaska-Fairbanks hockey team was placed in quarantine after six partying players tested positive.
In other words, COVID-19 just went on the power play.
• Blogger Patti Dawn Swansson, after a Mike Trout rookie card fetched a record $3.936 million: “Scant seconds later, millions of parents across North America grounded their kids indefinitely for putting baseball cards in the spokes of their bike wheels.”
• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on the death of baseball icon Tom Seaver: “A good time to remember that Casey Stengel always said the Mets would win when they put a man on the moon. They did. 1969.”
• Comedy writer Brad Dickson, on reports that steroids might be effective against COVID-19: “I guess Big 12 and SEC football players don’t have anything to worry about after all.”
Snake Stabler II?
Redshirt freshman Spencer Rattler has been named Oklahoma’s starting quarterback.
Fantasy footballers see a lot of snake drafts in his future.
Quote, end quote
• Greg Cote of the Miami Herald, on the belated start to the Tour de France: “It was more fun when all the bike tires were being punctured because discarded steroid needles were everywhere.”
• Bob Molinaro, in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, on the Red Sox boasting one of the AL’s worst records: “They are irrelevant, in other words. Somebody remind ESPN’s programming department.”
• NHL analyst Brian Burke, on Sportsnet, on the New York Islanders’ style of play: “It’s like watching two men paint a barn. It’s not wildly entertaining, but it’s effective.”