Flabby birthday, Ryan Fitzpatrick!

The Dolphins QB pinned his offseason weight gain on … nonstop birthday cake.

“The thing with me is I have seven kids,” he told Sports Illustrated. “In January we have three birthdays. So we’ve got the family birthday party which includes cake, we’ve got the friends birthday party which includes cake, so that’s six times in January.

“We’ve got three birthdays in March — March 1, March 6, March 11 — which again, that’s a tough stretch. So that’s six in 10 or 11 days.”

Headlines

• At TheOnion.com: “Sony scores big win for PlayStation 5 after poaching Yoshi from Nintendo with 10-year, $400 million contract.”

• At SportsPickle.com: “So it turned out that Tiger Woods was the next Tiger Woods.”

Jumpin’ Jiminy

Purdue hosts a cricket-spitting contest as part of its annual Spring Fest, with Dan Capps of Madison, Wis., expectorating a dead bug 32 feet, ½ inch in 1998 to set the record.

So what’s next, a scratch-and-spit baseball biathlon?

Stat of the Week

If Brewers slugger Christian Yelich got to play all 162 games against St. Louis, based on his first seven games against the Cardinals in 2019, his season numbers would read:

• .500 batting average

• .625 on-base percentage

• 1.542 slugging percentage

• 185 home runs

• 231 runs scored

• 440 runs batted in

Soccer to him

Tiger Woods’ redemptive win at the Masters was nearly undone in the third round when a security guard slipped and slid into Woods’ ankle, but it all worked out in the end.

Tiger got his green jacket, and the guard got a yellow card.

They already gave

The Oakland City Council voted to not collect a parcel tax this year.

Apparently the city overflowed its coffers in 2018 just from the Raiders mailing it in.

Gronk goes bonk

Just-retired tight end Rob Gronkowski put a big dent in the Patriots’ latest Super Bowl trophy when he wielded it like a bat to bunt a pitched baseball before a Red Sox game.

In fact, one could say the chrome football atop the Lombardi now looks a bit … deflated.

You make the call

Which was the most shocking?

a) Lightning wins an NHL record-tying 62 games, then gets swept in first round

b) Warriors blow a 31-point lead in second half at home, lose NBA playoff game to Clippers

Seeing red

UFC featherweight Dan Ige says he inadvertently supplied a blood sample to a collector who showed up at the wrong address — Ige’s Las Vegas residence — instead of the correct one a block away.

Historians immediately declared it the most notorious UFC bloodletting that didn’t occur inside an octagon.

Back to normal

In less than 24 hours last week, the sun not only came up in the east, but a Kenyan won the Boston Marathon and Tiger Woods won the Masters.

Nothing to see here, folks. Move along.

Quite the shocker

Forget lightning not striking twice in the same place. Tampa Bay’s couldn’t even strike once.

Talking the talk

• Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, via Twitter, after the 76ers tied an NBA record by scoring 51 points in one quarter of a playoff game: “Then they tweeted out the news from the bench!”

• Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, on former tennis pro Michael Chang putting his California home up for sale: “The buyers had better hope it isn’t on a fault line.”

Mustn’t-see TV

Florida prosecutors say they’ll release videos of Patriots owner Robert Kraft at Orchids of Asia Day Spa, with certain parts pixelized.

Even the refs who jobbed the Saints are saying, “Bad call!”

Quote marks

• Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, on NFL draft coverage: “The hot air from the sets of NFL Network and ESPN threatens the polar ice caps. This is science, people. In addition to being a football maven, Mel Kiper Jr. is an environmental hazard.”

• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on Robert Kraft and karma: “How perfect that the Patriots finally are on other side of being unknowingly videotaped.”

• Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com, on Magic Johnson’s ill-fated front-office tenure: “You might say that the Lakers hired ‘Magic’ Johnson as their team president, but they got ‘Earvin’ Johnson in terms of performance.”

• Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Express, after the Reds’ Joey Votto finally recorded his first-ever pop-up to first — on his 6,828th career plate appearance: “That’s crazy. That’s rarer than a Chris Davis hit.”