Ever see a waitress do a touchdown dance?
Former NFL receiver Chad Johnson left his server Catalina a $1,000 tip on his $37.40 bill after dining at Havana’s Cuban Cuisine in Cooper City, Florida — the football equivalent of a 160-point PAT.
“Congrats on re-opening, sorry about the pandemic, hope this helps. I LOVE YOU,” Johnson wrote on the credit-card slip.
• At Fark.com: “Michigan governor says no full stadiums this fall. Or as the Lions call it: Sunday.”
• At TheOnion.com: “Slideshow: 11 greatest sports moments made possible by PEDs.”
Bills defensive tackle Ed Oliver was arrested on charges of driving while intoxicated after Houston Police say they pulled his car over and discovered an open beer between his legs.
Or, for you football purists, in the 1-gap.
Double Entrende of the Month
Cornerback Quinton Dunbar, speaking to reporters just hours before a warrant was issued for his arrest, on getting traded to the Seahawks: “You just want to feel wanted at the end of the day.”
Heard in passing
eSports vet Raidel “Joke” Brito, 26, finally captured his first Madden Bowl championship May 16 — without throwing a single pass in the entire tournament.
Somewhere, you just know, Woody Hayes is smiling.
A pair of Michael Jordan’s game-worn “Air Jordan 1” sneakers sold at auction for a record $560,000.
They were the GOAT’s, all right: The shoes were his preferred sizes — one a 13, the other a 13½ — and the tongues were still hanging out.
Just plain nuts
Ohio State, among its contingencies amid the coronavirus pandemic, is bracing for football games in its 102,780-seat stadium with socially-distanced crowds of 20,000-22,000.
In other words, they’d schedule a Buckeyes home game and a Rice home game breaks out.
Cash and Carrey
Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s championship ring from Super Bowl LI — the one in which ”we were down 28-3 and had 99.6% (odds) to lose — was sold at auction for $1.025 million to an undisclosed bidder.
Just guessing on the lucky winner here, but … Lloyd Christmas?
Wildcats gone wild
The University of Kentucky — winners of 24 national cheerleading championships in the past 35 years — dismissed the team’s adviser and entire coaching staff after an investigation revealed a culture of hazing, public nudity and alcohol use during team retreats.
In keeping with the theme, they’ll get paid a total severance of $2.50 in four installments — 2 bits, 4 bits, 6 bits, a dollar.
All dolled up
South Korea soccer club FC Seoul got fined $82,000 after about 20 sex dolls — all wearing masks and some holding signs — were substituted for live fans in the stands a 1-0 win over Gwangju FC.
So what’s next, EPL clubs using inflatable hooligans?
Iowa’s women’s volleyball program must vacate 33 wins over two seasons and was placed on NCAA probation for one year because since-fired coach Bond Shymansky gave an incoming player $2,000.
Or, as Hawkeyes apologists tried to spin it, the mother of all reception errors.
In wheel trouble
NASCAR fined six crew chiefs after postrace inspectors at Darlington discovered loose lug nuts on their cars.
As in $10,000 per nut — and you thought cashews were expensive?
• Cardinals third baseman Matt Carpenter, via Twitter: “I miss rain delays … I miss getting jammed in cold weather .. I miss batting gloves … I miss long replay reviews that don’t get overturned even though he was safe … I miss umpires … I miss long flights at 3 am after a tough loss … I miss the shift … i do … I miss it all.”
• Nick Canepa, in the San Diego Union-Tribune: “Breaking: Instead of using special mud, umps will rub baseballs with Purell — if MLB can find enough.”
Lowering the stakes
The 2020 Belmont Stakes, scheduled for June 20, has been reduced to a 11/8-mile race, rather than its traditional 1½.
So what’s next — allowing pit stops for right-side horseshoes and a splash of oats?
Talking the talk
• Comedy writer Brad Dickson, via Twitter, with a sure sign things seem to be returning to normal in Nebraska: “Several people who were posting nonstop about COVID-19 have instead resumed tweeting profanities at college recruits who choose another school.”
• From Fark.com, on the “Last Dance” finale: “Knowing their owner is going to fire the coach and disband the team at the end of season, the Bulls put it all on the line to win the championship. Hey, wait, that’s the same plot of ‘Major League.’ ”
• Comedy writer Marc Ragovin, on the South Korean soccer team apologizing for substituting sex dolls for actual fans: “Man, talk about inflating attendance figures.”
Watch the birdie
NASCAR driver Chase Elliott, spun out and sidelined by Kyle Busch with 28 laps to go, took out his frustration by flipping Busch the bird from the infield.
Here’s hoping NASCAR officials buy Elliott’s explanation that he was simply signaling one lap to go.
Thrown for a loss
The Cowboys stand to lose $621 million in stadium revenue for each game played with no fans, according to Forbes.com, with the Patriots second at $315M.
Though conspiracy theorists claim New England’s total is deflated.
• Former Jazz forward Antoine Carr, to ESPN, accusing the Bulls of having Playboy models wearing nothing but trench coats deliver cake to Utah players’ hotel rooms and flash them during the 1997-98 NBA Finals: “It didn’t work on me. It was good cake, though.”
• Comedian Argus Hamilton, on actress Lori Loughlin pleading guilty to fraudulently passing her daughter off as a rower to get her into USC: “The good news is, if the judge sends her up the river, her daughter can row her there.”
• David Ehrlich, via Twitter: “Someone tell Michael Jordan the coronavirus said it was better than him.”
Jordan Rules, part II
Some 73% say Michael Jordan was a better basketball player than LeBron James, according to a poll of 600 NBA fans commissioned by ESPN.
An angry Jordan reportedly wants a word with those other 27%.