“Cat” remains in question, but Terry Bradshaw can certainly spell “Tom” without being spotted the T and the O.

The Steelers Hall of Famer presciently used the alias “Tom Brady” in 1983 when he was admitted to a Shreveport, La., hospital for elbow surgery, which we learned in a recently rediscovered newspaper article.

Brady, who’s long since supplanted Bradshaw and Joe Montana as the winningest Super Bowl QB of all time, was 5 at the time.

Headlines

• At TheOnion.com: “Bugs Bunny explains how LeBron helped him get sober for role in ‘Space Jam’ sequel.”

• At Fark.com: “J.J. Watt has gone from being a saint in Houston to being a Cardinal in Arizona.”

Money player

A Tom Brady rookie trading card — an autographed 2000 Playoff Contenders Championship Ticket version — sold for a record $1.32 million last week.

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Or more than 1½ times what his latest Super Bowl counterpart, the Chiefs’ Patrick Mahomes, got paid in base salary last season.

Hitting the bottle

Sure sign we’ve been in lockdown too long: The Milwaukee Bucks unveiled a “Hand Sanitizer Cam,” featuring a superimposed bottle “squirting” fans in the stands.

Growing on the farm

Looks like he’s a tallstop now.

Pirates shortstop prospect Oneil Cruz — who stood about 6 feet 1 when he first signed six years ago at age 16 — has shot up to 6-7.

Dig this

Archaeologists working north of Pompeii have uncovered a ceremonial chariot — leaving scientists amazed at the stellar condition of the iron elements, bronze decorations and mineralized wooden remains.

Not to mention the NASCAR sticker on the rear bumper.

Looking good

Good news, Mariners fans: Seattle is listed eighth in SB Nation’s new MLB rankings.

The bad news: It’s for best-looking home uniforms.

Something’s amiss here

Probably not in the running for a Target sponsorship:

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• The Sacramento Kings, who missed five three throws in the final 69 seconds to blow an eight-point lead and lose 127-126.

• The Houston Rockets, who shot 4 for 45 — 8.9% — on three-pointers in a 133-84 loss to Memphis.

Vikes, Vax

The Minnesota Vikings are turning their practice facility into a community COVID-vaccination site.

Hardcore fans are demanding to take their shots downfield.

Tweet of the Week

Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan, after New Orleans counterpart LaToya Cantrell made a pitch for Seahawks QB Russell Wilson: “I love you Mayor, but keep your eyes off @DangeRussWilson. His home is Seattle. #GoHawks. And so you know, Seattle is in the market for a @NBA team. Don’t make me go there.”

Mendoza Bottom Line

The Dodgers are hoping to have Dodger Stadium attendance at 20% capacity this season.

Or as the front-office bean counters now call that standard, Sitting .200.

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Talking the talk

• Coleman Bentley of GolfDigest.com, after the NBA’s Minnesota Timberwolves fell to a .39307 all-time winning percentage on Feb. 28, supplanting the NFL’s Tampa Bay Buccaneers (.39321) as the worst in major American professional sports: “So we can safely go ahead and crown the T-Wolves as the WOAT.”

• Bucs QB Tom Brady, 43, when chubby 42-year-old CBS “Late Late Show” host James Corden asked if Corden could be drafted into the NFL: “You might be able to play for the Jets.”

False advertising

March 4, in case you missed it, was supposed to be National Grammar Day.

So we checked a bunch of breathless-fanboy message boards, and no, it didn’t appear to be.

Quote, end quote

• Mike Bianchi of the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel, after Nets guard James Harden — who forced a trade out of Houston — said he hoped Rocket fans would show him “some love” upon his return last week: “Yes, James, and I hope to have a pouffy head of hair like Bruno Mars, a sculpted physique like Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and the entrepreneurial skills of Jeff Bezos, but I don’t think it’s going to happen.”

• Nick Canepa of the San Diego Union-Tribune, with a modern-day paradox: “Players hate going to the NBA All-Star Game — as they should — and get upset when they’re not invited.”

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• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on life before the pandemic: “A year ago the March Madness we all expected was going to involve college basketball.”

• Professional free skier JT Holmes, to the Fresno Bee, after two daredevils using skis and ropes successfully navigated the Half Dome down to Yosemite Valley: “If you fall to your left or right, you’re definitely dead. If you fall down the middle, you have a small chance of not falling to your death — but it’s a maybe.”

Taking in the sights

Browns QB Baker Mayfield says he and his wife saw a UFO “drop straight out of the sky” while driving home.

Well, that’s one way to make you forget Sam Darnold seeing ghosts in the Patriots secondary.

Quote marks

• Times Mariners writer Ryan Divish, via Twitter, on his story about pitcher Justin Dunn’s season outlook: “Best shape of his life. Changed his diet. Increased velocity. New pitch grip. Compete for a job. … Yeah, I went there. I’m winning spring-training storyline bingo.”

• RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on Joakim Noah retiring from the NBA having never made a three-pointer in 16 attempts: “Big surprise: A guy named Noah preferred his points two by two.”