This score just in: Chargers 3, Brown 0.

Felony battery … burglary … criminal mischief … Probably not what NFL publicists meant by “triple threat,” Antonio Brown.

Headlines

• At TheOnion.com: “NCAA determines becoming a Bengal punishment enough for Joe Burrow taking cash from Odell Beckham.”

• Spotted in Dallas on the readerboard of the Truck Yard bar: “Had a funny sign planned for this week, but the Astros stole it.”

NCAA meets WWE

The Big 12 suspended Sylvio DeSousa for 12 games after the Kansas center threw punches and wielded a stool during a last-second brawl against Kansas State last week.

No truth to the rumor the teams’ return game on Feb. 29 will be a cage match.

How uplifting

With football’s two top tight ends — the 49ers’ George Kittle and the Chiefs’ Travis Kelce — squaring off in Super Bowl LIV, you just have to figure there’s a gluteoplasty endorsement riding on it for the winner.

Garbage time

Now selling online: “Houston Asterisks” T-shirts.

Act now, and they’ll even throw in a complimentary Asterisks trash can.

Penalty on the play

Police in Nashville arrested Patriots cornerback Joejuan Williams on drug-possession charges after a traffic stop for speeding.

Defense lawyers, upon further review of the police video, say Williams couldn’t have had possession because the cops didn’t give him time to make a football move.

Something’s a miss here

Vanderbilt shot 0 for 25 on three-pointers against Tennessee on Jan. 18.

In other words, the basketball equivalent of North Korea’s missile-test scorecard.

Going out with a bang

Three teams — the Astros, Red Sox and Mets — fired their managers in the aftermath of Houston’s sign-stealing trash-bangers.

Or, more precisely, they canned them.

Just wondering

If Wheaties is the Breakfast of Champions, what is the Breakfast of Upsets, Coco Gauffs?

Dismember the Titans?

The most-relieved coach to lose a playoff game in NFL history?

That would be Tennessee’s Mike Vrabel, after 6-month-old video resurfaced of him vowing to cut off his own manhood if the Titans won Super Bowl LIV.

Talking the talk

• Comedian Argus Hamilton, via Twitter, on the 49ers jumping to a 27-0 halftime lead over the Packers in the NFC Championship Game: “If Aaron Rodgers were covered by Allstate instead of State Farm, he would be protected from mayhem like this.”

• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, after StubHub listed tickets for last week’s Wizards-Cavaliers game for as low as $4: “Are they asking or paying?”

Fore! means five

Playing golf can stave off 40 major chronic diseases and add five years to one’s life expectancy, according to a Swedish study.

In short, it helps ward off the wrong kind of 6-under.

Quote marks

• Lakers’ LeBron James, when asked by reporters in New York if he’d consider playing for the Knicks at age 40 if they drafted his son Bronny: “My son in the ninth grade, man. Trying to worry about what project he gotta turn in tomorrow. That’s what we worried about right now.”

• Jim Melvin, via Facebook, looking on the bright side of Hell: “In Hell, it’s still legal to lead with your helmet and there are no video reviews. And deflating footballs is legal, although the heat usually blows them back up.”

Fark.com, on Giants QB Eli Manning having a New Jersey beer — ELIte Tribute — named in his honor: “Bud Wilkinson yawns from the great beyond.”

• Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com, on Mike Leach spending his head-coaching career in Lubbock, Texas; Pullman, Wash., and now Starkville, Miss.: “I think I now understand why he is obsessed with pirates and aliens. There are not a lot of things to prevent his mind from wandering through the cosmos.”

Get a grip, dad

A North Carolina father ran onto the mat during a high-school match and rammed a wrestler who had pile-driven his son with an illegal suplex move.

The man has been charged with simple assault and disorderly conduct but somehow wasn’t credited with a two-point takedown.

Tweet of the Week

“MORE BREAKING NEWS: Conor McGregor just gave an oral commitment to join the University of Kansas men’s basketball program.” — comedy writer @Brad_Dickson

Quote, end quote

• Mike Hart of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, after the 49ers’ Raheem Mostert sliced and diced the Packer defense for 220 yards and four TDs in the NFC title game: “There hasn’t been anything carved up like that since Emeril Lagasse was introduced to his first turkey.”

• Tim Hunter of Seattle-area radio station KRKO, via Facebook, disagreeing with USA Today’s rankings that listed the Seahawks’ 43-8 pounding of the Broncos as the worst Super Bowl ever: “I sure enjoyed it.”

• Times Seahawks reporter Bob Condotta, via Twitter, looking for a breakthrough here: “Is there a way to block State Farm from my TV?”

• Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, after Dennis Kelly, the Titans’ 321-pound tackle, became the heaviest player to ever score an NFL playoff touchdown: “They got him used to being a receiver by throwing him cheeseburgers at lunch every day.”