A satirical look back at some of the quirkiest, most eyebrow-raising things that happened in the sports world this week.
What, you think it’s easy de-icing the kicker?
As retired Colts punter Pat McAfee — who also doubled as Adam Vinatieri’s holder — told ESPN: “Before every kick I viewed it as my job being his caddie to kind of keep it light. No matter what the situation is, I’m going to crack a joke.
“We’d talk about how bad the conditions were, or how beautiful the day was, or which drunk guy we’re aiming for in the crowd behind the uprights.”
Stat of the Week
For an NFL running back or wide receiver to break Indy kicker Adam Vinatieri’s record of 2,550 career points, he’d have to score 426 touchdowns.Headlines
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• In the San Francisco Chronicle, after Klay Thompson’s NBA-record 14 treys in barely 2½ quarters: “Greatest of threes.”
• At TheOnion.com: “Golden State raises 2018, 2019, 2020 championship banners.”Tweet of the Week
From the Texas Rangers: “Hey @Dodgers, the support group for back-to-back #WorldSeries losers meets on Tuesdays.”Old Henry
Hank Aaron, the un-asterisked home-run king, says he doesn’t think he could hit today’s generation of 100-mph pitchers.
In Hammerin’ Hank’s defense, after all, the guy is 84 years old.Pop quiz
The least-frightening zombie costumes spotted this week were worn by:
a) Trick-or-treaters on Halloween
b) The Raiders on Thursday night football
It’s in the bag
Receiver Juju Smith-Schuster went trick-or-treating in his Steelers uniform.
If Bears linebacker Khalil Mack followed suit, just imagine how many sacks he’d bring home.
Instances of anxiety and panic attacks are on the rise for college students, according to research by the American College Health Association.
Going spider 2Y bananas
A man using a blowtorch to kill spiders burned down his mother’s house in Fresno, Calif.
He reportedly got the idea watching Jon Gruden tinker with the Raiders’ roster.
No so fast there
We can just picture Dodgers shortstop Manny “Don’t Call Me Charlie Hustle” Machado drowning his sorrows after the World Series: “Bartender, make it a single.”
Talking the talk
• Mets manager Casey Stengel, during an early-1960s mound visit with pitcher Roger Craig, with Giants slugger Willie McCovey about to bat: “Where do you want to pitch him, upper deck or lower deck?”
• Hirsute Dodgers third baseman Justin Turner, to reporter, on the 18-inning Game 3 of the World Series: “I think my beard got about 3 inches longer.”
‘Animal House’ lives!
Midway University in Kentucky is offering an undergraduate course in Bourbon Studies.
Judging by the history of campus frat parties, doesn’t everybody?
• Seattle Times sports staffer Nathan Joyce, after the Rockets offered the Timberwolves four first-round draft picks for Jimmy Butler: “Do they get Herschel Walker too?”
• Fark.com, after controversial pitcher Curt Schilling didn’t get invited to a pregame reunion honoring Boston’s 2004 World Series champs: “Red Sox leave red sock seeing red.”
• B.C. comic Torben Rolfsen, after Blue Jackets coach John Tortorella said he misses “the hate” in today’s “hugfest” NHL: “He should go on Twitter.”
• Red Sox reliever Joe Kelly, to reporters, on his rebound in the World Series after a subpar ALCS showing: “To be able to contribute, to not stink, it’s refreshing.”
• Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, on QB Chad Kelly getting kicked off his high-school, college and now NFL teams: “The question now is whether he’ll settle for the ‘bad teammate’ Triple Crown or join the Canadian Football League and shoot for the Grand Slam.”
• Gary Bachman, via Twitter: “Breaking news: L.A. Dodgers fire Dave Roberts and replace him with Donald Trump, who will manage the team via Twitter.”
• Bucks forward Giannis Antetokounmpo, to AP, on the benefits of playing reduced minutes in back-to-back games: “I know when I’m 40 and I’m retired, I’m going to be able to chase my kids and I’m still going to have my knees and I’m not going to look for knees on eBay.”
Life in the slow lane
Robert Marchand, 106, became the oldest person to cycle around France’s national velodrome.
Witnesses say they’d never seen a racing bike with a left-turn signal blinking before.
Recreational marijuana is now legal nationwide in Canada, effective Oct. 17.
Or as more than a few pro athletes now put it: The grass is always greener on the other side … of the border.
Quote, end quote
• Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, on the Raiders, 49ers, Giants and Cardinals dueling for the NFL’s worst record and No. 1 draft choice. “It’s getting so bad, those teams are being flagged for excessive celebration when their opponent scores.”
• RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, with a title suggestion for 72-year-old Sylvester Stallone’s next Rambo movie: “First Blood Clot.”
• Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, after Simone Biles posted the top scores in three events at the World Gymnastics Championships just hours after being hospitalized with a kidney stone: “If a handspring Yamashita with a 360-degree turn on a vault isn’t enough to get the stone to pass, nothing will.”
• Retired Leafs star Wendel Clark, to the Toronto Sun, after his son Kody signed with the Capitals: “Maybe now he can pay for his own sticks — and my car payments.”
• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on the death of Willie McCovey, 80, whose lineout to second with the tying run in scoring position ended the 1962 World Series: “Maybe tomorrow in baseball heaven that ball is a solid single.”
• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, after four trick-or-treaters dressed as Jacksonville Jaguars came to his door: “They gave us a bar tab for $64,170 and then ran away.”
• Comedy writer Brad Dickson, via Twitter, on the end of Daylight Saving Time: “I’d like to turn back the clock to a time when Nebraska football didn’t lose recruiting battles to Kentucky.”