Hey, 49ers, did you remember to check under the couch cushions, too?
Broc Rutter, the QB from North Carolina Central, got only a $279 signing bonus from San Francisco because that’s all the Niners had left after depleting their bonus pool for undrafted rookies.
Gotta be the shoes
Spotted in Lady Gaga’s bizarre shoe collection: a pair of high heels with toes made from horses’ hooves.
On the downside, though, her feet tend to get sore after 6½ furlongs.
How soon before we see these odds listed among the tiny type in the sports section: “Sept 10: COVID (-19) vs. NFL opener.”
This spells trouble
A card-carrying member of the Headline Writers Guild of America woke up in a cold sweat the other day.
Apparently the nightmare was that Bucks superstar Giannis Antetokounmpo and longtime love interest Mariah Riddlesprigger finally tied the knot — and decided to hyphenate.
Their lips are unsealed
More than a dozen Minnesota Wild players broke the coronavirus-lockdown monotony by lip-syncing a “Born To Be Wild” video.
So what’s next — Gaylord Perry’s take on the theme from “Grease”?
Avert your eyes
Brace yourself, baseball fans, for the specter of even more scratching and cup-adjusting when the game returns if spitting — as expected — is outlawed.
Attention, Mel Kiper
NAIA schools can now add women’s flag football as a varsity sport, with the first competitive season to be staged next spring, in conjunction with the NFL.
Just what this sports-starved country needs — another letter-of-intent day and endless lists of three-, four- and five-star recruits!
Fly season already?
Sure sign we’ve been in lockdown too long: ESPN.com just posted a tease for a video titled “Tim Kurkjian Baseball Fix: The history of the sacrifice fly is fascinating.”
21 and bust
Veteran musher Lance Mackey’s 21st-place finish in this year’s Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race was vacated after the veteran musher’s drug test turned up positive for methamphetamine.
So chalk up another triumph for the sport’s investigative initiative, Operation Yellow Snow.
For heaven’s sake
Orion Peters, Washington State’s first football commit for 2021, is rated a three-star receiver by 247Sports.
But given his first name, shouldn’t it be seven stars?
Emmanuel Clase, the Indians’ 100-mph fireballer, earned himself an 80-game suspension after he tested positive for PEDs.
Cleveland immediately canceled its order for asbestos catcher’s mitts.
Talking the talk
• Ex-NBA star Charles Barkley, via Facebook, on Detroit’s Bad Boys teams: “Those guys were out there trying to hurt people. … When you were playing the Pistons you had to call home and tell your family you love them just in case you never saw them again.”
• U.S. soccer star Megan Rapinoe, via Instagram Live, after Joe Biden told her she’d have to take a paycut to become his running mate: “You know I’m not into that.”
NFL 42, Geography 0
Even more amazing than Don Shula’s 347 NFL coaching wins, two Super Bowl titles and the only unbeaten season in league history: He won his first division title in 1964 with the Baltimore Colts.
The West Division.
Taking their medicine
NBC’s Peter King says one way NFL teams might get fans into stadiums faster for games in the face of COVID-19 restrictions would be by not selling alcohol.
Though the Bengals could theoretically get a medicinal waiver for their fans.
• Peyton Manning, to TBS, on why fellow QB Tom Brady’s gaffe for walking into the wrong house forced their upcoming charity golf event to be playing in Palm Beach: “The tournament had to be in Florida after Tom’s arrest. With the ankle monitor, he couldn’t leave the state.”
• Sumo wrestling fanatic Moti Dichne, to Slate.com, on the downside of watching televised matches with no fans in Japan: “You could hear everything. You could hear them fart, you could hear grunting — stuff you don’t usually hear.”
• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, via Facebook, after Secretariat won a simulated Kentucky Derby featuring all 13 Triple Crown winners: “Even more impressive, he won while wearing a surgical mask.”
• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on rumblings the NBA will delay the start its 2020-21 season until December: “ ‘Wait, and eliminate all those gripping first 20-30 games of the regular season?’ said almost no one.”
Those deadly non-native insects recently spotted in the Pacific Northwest are known as “murder hornets.”
They wanted “killer bees,” but the Miami Dolphins threatened to sue.
Must be a film buff
Chicago linebacker Roquan Smith raised a few eyebrows when he posted an Instagram photo of adult film star Abella Danger on a boat in obvious violation of COVID-19 restrictions.
What can you say? Bears, bares … The guy just can’t help huddling with them.
Green with envy
Hafþór Björnsson — the Icelandic strongman who portrays The Mountain in HBO’s “Game of Thrones” — broke the world record by deadlifting 1,104½ pounds.
How soon we forget: The Hulk once had a whopping 1,277-pounder negated by the post-lift PED test.
Getting the senior vote
The Miami Dolphins just paired a new jersey number with their touted rookie QB, and let’s just say Lawrence Welk fans couldn’t be happier.
It’s a 1 and a Tua.
Quote, end quote
• Bob Molinaro in the Football Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, on midfielder Aris Brown — the 18-year-old son of 84-year-old Hall of Famer Jim Brown — committing to play lacrosse at Hampton University: “It appears that Jim enjoyed a strong fourth quarter.”
• Shane Lantz of the Mason City (Iowa) Globe Gazette, on why he likes hockey fights: “It’s like a boxing match, but more slippery and with less of a chance of running into Don King.”
• Nick Canepa of the San Diego Union-Tribune, on ex-Chargers QB Philip Rivers selling his home there: “It’s 6,800 square feet, or 756 square feet per child.”
• NFL author Dan Daly, via Twitter: “If the NFL has to play in empty stadiums, it should put a radio receiver in every helmet so it can pipe in canned cheering.”
• Kyle Gehler, via Twitter: “We got a bat flip at 12:17 a.m. in Korea. Life is getting back to normal.”