The suspect’s name is John Schneider. He’s 48 years old, white, has curly brown hair, a stocky frame and is believed to be in the greater Seattle area. If you know anything about his whereabouts, please contact the authorities. He’s wanted for highway robbery.

On Saturday morning, the Seahawks general manager pulled off what may go down as the sports heist of the year. He acquired three-time Pro Bowl defensive end/linebacker Jadeveon Clowney from the Houston Texans for Barkevious Mingo, Jacob Martin and a 2020 third-round draft pick.

It is unknown whether Schneider has incriminating photos of Texans GM Chris Olsen filed away somewhere, but I wouldn’t rule it out. This deal was nuts. Or better yet — peanuts. Because really, that’s all the Seahawks gave away.

‘When Clowney turns it on, no one in the world can stop him’: Get to know the Seahawks’ scary new edge rusher

Clowney is one of the NFL’s premier defensive linemen, and has been the most widely discussed potential trade chip this offseason. He has tallied 18½ sacks over the past two seasons and was ranked as the No. 2 edge defender in run defense last year by Pro Football Focus.

He also fills a major void for the Seahawks, as pass rush was considered their biggest weakness with the departure of Frank Clark (13 sacks last year) and the six-game suspension of Jarran Reed (10½ sacks). Clowney may not have turned the Seahawks into instant Super Bowl contenders, but a trip to the playoffs just went from questionable to probable.

A couple of weeks ago, nobody knew where the 26-year-old was going to end up this season. All anyone knew for sure was that he was discontented in Houston. Unable to work out a long-term deal with the Texans, Clowney made clear that he wasn’t going to play unless he was shipped somewhere else.


So him being traded wasn’t a surprise. Him being traded for this package, however, was shocking.

Speculation was that any team who picked Clowney up would have to forfeit at least a second-round pick. The Seahawks merely gave up a third-rounder. Speculation was also that the Texans wanted an offensive lineman and/or a running back. The Seahawks gave them neither.

Instead, Seattle parted with Martin and Mingo, defensive linemen who probably wouldn’t be recognized in a Bellevue Whole Foods. Martin is a backup/rotational player. Mingo was almost universally projected to be cut from the Seahawks’ 53-man roster.

Get the latest as the Seahawks cut down their roster to 53 players

And now they’re the pieces that gave Seattle a guy that’s made the Pro Bowl in each of the past three seasons? Astonishing doesn’t do that trade justice. Felonious does.

The big concern with Clowney was that he would be a “rental” who would come to the Seahawks for one year then bounce the next, a la Sheldon Richardson. That may still be the case, but seeing as how Seattle didn’t give up much of anything, who cares?

With Ziggy Ansah opposite Clowney, the Seahawks suddenly have a formidable pass rush. They have the best linebacker in football in Bobby Wagner, one of the best quarterbacks in Russell Wilson, and an offensive line that helped the team lead the NFL in rushing last year.

Should fans plan on spending the first weekend of February in Miami next year? That’s probably a stretch, but not completely laughable anymore.

As for the Seahawks getting Clowney at this price? Well, you can’t help but laugh at that.