A satirical look back at some of the quirkiest, most eyebrow-raising things that happened in the sports world this week.
Edelman Avenue, anyone?
Some wiseacre in Millbury, Mass., celebrated the Patriots’ Super Bowl triumph over the Rams by replacing the sign for Goff Street with a Brady Street version.
Just one problem: Drivers there are suddenly passing like crazy.
State of The Onion
Headlines from TheOnion.com:
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• “ ‘This one means the least of all,’ says Tom Brady accepting Super Bowl trophy.”
• “Sean McVay begs mother to let him stay up to coach rest of Super Bowl.”
• “Super Bowl halftime show marred by functioning sound system.”
Speaking of Julian Edelman, Ellen DeGeneres shaved off the Super Bowl MVP’s bushy beard for charity on her TV show “Ellen.”
To no one’s surprise, the Patriots’ star receiver was in and out of his cut in a hurry.
Seahawks QB Russell Wilson, in conjunction with ex-MLB slugger Alex Rodriguez, plans to open a bunch of yoga studios in Washington state.
Which probably explains Wilson’s fondness for stretch plays.
Where’s their kickback?
Las Vegas bookmakers said the betting action was down about 8 percent in the low-scoring Super Bowl LIII.
That’s odd. Those watching the game said the punters seemed to be doing just fine.
Carl Smith leaving the Seahawks to become the Texas’ QB coach is noteworthy because he:
a) Was a 10-year fixture on Pete Carroll’s NFL staffs
b) Had a tight bond with Russell Wilson
c) Was the only Seahawk who didn’t need an alias when checking into road hotels
And, from the Punishment Fits the Crime file comes word that a judge in Ozarks, Mo., has sentenced a serial deer-poacher to a year in jail — and to watch the movie “Bambi” at least once a month.
That was Super Bowl LIII? To hear some viewers rip it, you’d have thought it was Super Bowl ZZZ.
Get a whiff of this
What do you get when you try to mix football and baseball? A stiff-arm and a strikeout!
The Oakland Raiders’ plans to play their lame-duck 2019 season in the baseball Giants’ Oracle Park quickly went kaput when the cross-bay 49ers, citing their territorial rights, nixed it.
Some coin flip
The home-run ball that resulted in Jose Batista’s infamous bat flip fetched $28,252 on the auction block.
And you thought it was profitable flipping houses?
Still itching to play
Looks like 45-year-old Ichiro Suzuki will be in the lineup when the Mariners open the 2019 season with two games in Japan.
Sabermetricians say he might become the first player in MLB history to register the grand slam of stat lines: WAR, VORP, OPS and AARP.
Talking the talk
• Comedian Torben Rolfsen, after Jose Canseco tweeted out an invite to join him for a round of golf while also learning about aliens and time-traveling: “I would, but it’s my bowling, Bigfoot and teleportation weekend.”
• Dixon Tam, via Twitter, after a runner in Colorado killed an 80-pound cougar that attacked him with his bare hands: “I hope Chuck Norris recovers from his injuries quickly.”
Brave’s new world
John Smoltz, Atlanta’s Hall of Fame pitcher, announced he will play three PGA Tour Champions events this year.
In other words, he’s going from chops to chips.
• Blogger Chad Picasner, suggesting that managers summon bullpen pitchers from the dugout to speed up games: “No need to walk out there and rub the baseball while the reliever comes in, talk to him and hand him the ball and walk back to the dugout. All the while, Yankee fans are sitting in their $500 seats munching on $12 hot dogs and $15 beers. Isn’t heartburn enough punishment?”
• RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, after temperatures in Winnipeg plummeted to minus-40: “It was so cold, it could even freeze the seat that Lakers coach Luke Walton is on.”
• CBS sideline reporter Tracy Wolfson, to the New York Post, on nearly getting crushed in the aftermath of Super Bowl LIII trying to get to Patriots QB Tom Brady: “The game was an offensive struggle, so it was only appropriate that the winning interview was a struggle, too.”
• Tim Hunter of Everett’s KRKO Radio, on Marshawn Lynch stealing the show in the NFL’s 100-year commercial during the Super Bowl telecast: “See what happens when you give him the ball?”
• Syndicated columnist Norman Chad, on seeing the Patriots yet again on Super Bowl Sunday: “It’s like waking up Christmas morning with acne.”
Don’t make it a double
Florida is the best state for singles, according to WalletHub.com.
Oh, yeah? Ichiro Suzuki hit only 194 of them there — and 2,069 in Washington.
Sports quiz II
LaVar Ball said that if the Lakers want to trade his son, they ought to:
a) Send him to the Suns
b) Put him into the transfer portal
Quote, end quote
• Brad Rock of Salt Lake City’s Deseret News, after ex-Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said he “will forever be deeply sorry” for selling the Sonics, who were then moved to Oklahoma City: “Sorry enough to lower the cost of a cinnamon latte?”
• Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, after Randy Johnson’s Arizona mansion in Arizona sold for $7.3 million — half the original asking price: “Which means, ironically, he was called out on a lowball.”
• Comedy writer Brad Dickson, on why he enjoyed Adam Levine at halftime: “This gave me an opportunity to put a face to all those songs I hear while I’m waiting to see the dentist.”
• Headline at Fark.com: “Knicks say they had to trade Porzingis because he wasn’t on board with the Knicks’ plan to continue being the Knicks.”
• Will Bunch of The Philadelphia Inquirer, via Twitter: “This Super Bowl is so bad that Gladys Knight took an earlier train.”
• Just-retired NBC analyst Johnny Miller, to reporters, on his tell-it-like-it-is style that tended to grate on Tour golfers: “I take off their clothes, but I leave their underwear on.”