The Browns cut LB Mychal Kendricks after he was charged in federal court with insider stock trading.

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Well, this certainly puts a whole new spin on the term “inside linebacker.”

The Browns cut LB Mychal Kendricks after he was charged in federal court with insider stock trading.

That’s what you call a stiff illegal-procedure penalty.

Headlines

• At @TheOnion: “Baseball statisticians unveil new analytics model measuring precise amount of joy they suck from the game.”

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• At Fark.com: “R-E-L-A-X, Aaron Rodgers just got P-A-I-D.”

Pass the lettuce

Odell Beckham Jr. of the New York Giants says his superstar status makes him feel like a “zoo animal.”

Especially the part where the Giants ignore the warnings and feed him $95 million.

Just say non

Swimming and diving has been banned off the coast of Landévennec, France, thanks to the relentless amorous advances of a bottlenose dolphin.

Which certainly answers the question: What do you get when you cross Flipper with Pepe LePew?

Replace that divot

A duffer got into a fight on a Massachusetts course and had his finger bitten off at the knuckle.

Well, there’s one golf slice that even Hank Haney can’t fix.

Hut 1 (million)

Green Bay QB Aaron Rodgers — who just agreed to a 4-year, $134 million contract extension — is coming out with his own line of cheese, we hear.

It’s called Packers Gold.

Loss leader

J.C. Penney’s portfolio for the past four years boasts a profit in just two quarters.

In a related story, J.C. Penney has just been named the official retail store of the Cleveland Browns.

Paging Annie Savoy

Missouri became the first state to regulate the use of the term “meat.”

Luckily for Crash Davis, he and Nuke LaLoosh didn’t have to play there.

Power slump

Dodger Stadium has been hit by two power outages this season.

Which certainly puts a whole new meaning on “playing lights-out.”

Whoa is he

Andrew Benintendi is certainly doing his part to speed up baseball games.

The Red Sox outfielder accounted for all three outs — a sac bunt and a double play — in Boston’s 11-run inning against the Marlins on Wednesday, or else the Sox might still be batting.

Talking the talk

• Holly Anderson, via Twitter, after Michigan State said it’s been cleared it of any NCAA rules violations in the Larry Nassar sexual-assault scandal: “Thank God nobody sold any shoes.”

• Comedy writer and proud Sooner Argus Hamilton, on why he wants his ashes scattered over the Cotton Bowl: “So if Texas beats OU, it’s over my dead body.”

Goodbye, juice boxes

Arsenal soccer coach Unai Emery has banned high-sugar fruit drinks from his team’s training menu.

Still no word on the status of mom’s halftime orange slices.

Hit parade

Brewers center fielder Christian Yelich not only hit for the cycle Wednesday against the Reds, he added two extra singles.

If this were Yahtzee, he’d have to decide between taking three points for three of a kind or 30 for a small straight.

Redoing the yard

South Carolina had to replace its entire football field — more than 90,000 square feet — less than a week before the season opener because of damage done to it during a Jay-Z and Beyoncé concert.

In other words, Jay-Z and Beyoncé look tougher on grass than the Gamecocks.

Playing ketchup

The town of Mayo, Fla., is temporarily changing its name to “Miracle Whip.”

Pittsburgh, to its credit, is sitting pat with Heinz Field.

Quote marks

• Jack Finarelli of Sports Curmudgeon.com, on the uselessness of NFL exhibition games: “College players figure out how to play football on Day One without four stupid rehearsals; you mean to tell me that pro players — who are the cream of the crop from college players — suddenly forgot how to get ready for Game One?“

• Richard Deitsch of The Athletic, via Twitter, on the TV networks’ love affair with Tiger Woods: “And here’s Brooks Koepka about to putt for a PGA Championship … (CBS cuts to Tiger Woods drinking water in the clubhouse).”

• Comedy writer Brad Dickson, on how hot and humid it is in Omaha, Neb.: “I was sweating like Urban Meyer being strapped into a lie detector.”

• Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun, listing his top five Panthers: “Cam Newton, Luke Kuechly, Sasha Barkov, Roberto Luongo and Peter Sellers.”

• Tom FitzGerald of the San Francisco Chronicle, on Heisman hopeful Bryce Love in line to get his undergraduate degree in December: “That would mean he got through Stanford two quarters ahead of time, despite having what amounts to a full-time job as a college football player. Now that’s breakaway speed.”

Making decibel points

The Miami Marlins — nearly 30 games under .500 and drawing sparse crowds — are trying to drum up interest by encourage fans to bring musical instruments and noisemakers to games next season.

In lieu of singing “Take Me Out To the Ball Game,” maybe the fans should play “Taps.”

Quote, end quote

• Mike Hart of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, after the Packers lost a TD in an exhibition game when guard Lucas Patrick was called for holding and a chop block on the same play: “That’s pretty hard to do. He did go to Duke, so he’s an overachiever.”

• Comedian Eric Stangel, on aptly-named Yankees first baseman Greg Bird: “There’s no one better in baseball today at flying out to straightaway center field.”

• Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, on ex-Cleveland linebacker Mychal Kendricks getting charged with insider trading: “It was the worst advice he ever took other than being told to sign with the Browns.”

• RJ Curris of SportsDeke.com, on boxer Curtis Harper getting DQ’s for ducking through the ropes and exiting the arena just before his bout started: “Allow me to speak for divorced people: Usually you fight before leaving the ring.”