Lucky Whitehead’s string of bad luck in recent weeks might have fans thinking his name is a misnomer.

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What’s so lucky about NFL kick returner Lucky Whitehead again?

• July 24: Publicly accused of shoplifting

• July 24: Released by the title-contending Cowboys

• July 25: Oops! Wrongly accused

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• July 26: Claimed off waivers by the hapless Jets

• Aug. 14: Breaks his foot, requiring surgery

So what’s next — onomatologists sue him for false advertising?

The Yankee Whiffer

Yankee slugger Aaron Judge broke the major league record by striking out in 33 straight games.

That’s what he gets for changing his breakfast menu from Wheaties to Special K.

Car for sale

The infamous white Ford Bronco in which Al Cowlings drove O.J. Simpson in that slow-speed pursuit on L.A. freeways on June 17, 1994 was up for sale on the History Channel’s “Pawn Stars” last Monday.

No word on how many miles the car has on it, but it still goes from zero to 30 mph in 12.3 seconds.

Pass the cauliflower ears

WWE rassler The Undertaker says he’s deathly afraid of cucumbers.

Which probably explains why his favorite hold isn’t called The Salad Bar.

Lost in the dark

Missed marketing opportunity for the Royals on Monday night: Jorge Soler Eclipse T-Shirt Night.

Looking out for No. 2

South Africa’s Louis Oosthuizen became the seventh golfer — and the only active one — with runner-up finishes in all four majors when he came in second at this year’s PGA Championship.

He still earned $784,000 in prize money — and future Bills Super Bowl tickets.

Four’s a crowd

Cubs manager Joe Maddon employed a four-man outfield in a futile effort to retire Reds slugger Joey Votto.

So what’ll he do when the Cubs face Giancarlo Stanton — position his left fielder on a rooftop across Waveland Avenue?

Bad shot selection

A serial offender trying to take a selfie in the restroom of the Club Lust strip joint in St. Petersburg, Fla., accidentally fired a handgun, earning himself a 77-month prison sentence.

On the bright side, though, he’s got 23 standing offers from NFL teams the moment he gets out.

Talking the talk

• Colin Cowherd of Fox Sports, on QB Jay Cutler’s short-lived retirement from football: “I thought in the 14 minutes I worked with Jay Cutler, he grew tremendously as a broadcaster.”

• Hall of Fame catcher Johnny Bench, 69, to the St. Paul Pioneer Press, on his diminishing golf skills: “I can hear my ball land now, and that’s a real problem.”

All kidding aside

Among the things Rory Mcllroy autographed during the PGA Championship — a fan’s baby.

Coincidence? The infant now answers to the nickname of “Scorecard.”

Chicken feathers!

Five San Diego State football players contracted chickenpox just a couple weeks before the season opener.

Conspiracy theorists are blaming the San Diego Chicken.


• At “Miami builds huge door to hit Jeffrey Loria’s butt on the way out.”

• At “Jerry Jones upset about people trivializing domestic-violence suspensions.”

Fiery Exit Dept.

Some 50.2 percent of Americans in 2016 said they’ll opt to be cremated, according to the National Funeral Directors Association.

Sounds like a job for the Tigers’ bullpen.


Speaking of Lucky Whitehead, it’s a wonder he wasn’t snapped up by the Chargers, who drew only 21,000 for their first exhibition game in Los Angeles, put up bad TV ratings — and lost 48-17.

Bye weeks galore

From the You Just Can’t Make This Stuff Up file comes word that there will be a Chick-fil-A restaurant in the Atlanta Falcons’ new $2 billion Mercedes-Benz Stadium.

Per company policy, the joint will be closed on Sundays.

Running on fumes

NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. left his car parked at home with the engine running for hours.

Alas, his pit crew must’ve had the day off.

Grab your stopwatches

Sprint king Usain Bolt’s dreams of playing for Manchester United in a charity soccer match were dashed by a hamstring poll.

Looks like the quickest goal ever scored by a Premier League side — 10 seconds — is safe once again.

More headlines

• At “Bold: Browns fan gets ‘AFC North 3rd Place’ tattoo.”

• At “Baltimore Ravens sign former 49ers QB not named Colin Kaepernick.”

Quote marks

• John Henderson in the Boulder Daily Camera, on the Colorado basketball team’s nine-day, four-game trip to Italy: “Later in the week they’ll visit David at Florence’s Galleria dell’Accademia, cruise Venice’s Grand Canal, get off the beaten path in the medieval city of Treviso, take a boat tour of Lake Como and lunch in Bellagio. It beats Pullman in January.”

• TBS’s Conan O’Brien, on football stadiums that will deliver food directly to spectators’ seats: “However, if you’re a Rams fan, your food will most likely be intercepted and returned for a touchdown.”

• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, after the Cubs made amends with infamous fan Steve Hartman by awarding him a 2016 World Series ring: “The bad news is Bartman dropped the ring and it fell down a sewer.”

• Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) World-Herald, on Usain Bolt losing his final 100-meter dash: “Was he racing a shark?”


Jaguars rookie RB Leonard Fournette told after his exhibition debut that the pro game is “a lot slower than I really thought” and “to me, it was really easy.”

Think he’s giddy now? Imagine what he’ll say after a game in which he averages more than 3.4 yards a carry!

Quoth the mavens

• Janice Hough of, on bettors in Las Vegas plunking down more money on the Raiders to win the Super Bowl than any other NFL team: “And if anyone has wondered how they get money to build all those big shiny hotels …”

• Eric Kolenich of the Richmond (Va.) Times-Dispatch, on Nats pitcher Sean Doolittle’s “Doooooooo” jersey for Players Weekend: “Is it a great jersey? Yes. Is it worth the $199 retail price? Noooooooo.”

• Comedy writer Tim Hunter, with a sure sign your favorite baseball team isn’t playoff material: “At every home game, grief counselors are available.”

• Greg Cote of The Miami Herald, on the Dodgers — in the midst of a 43-7 run — landing Rangers ace Yu Darvish: “Which is like Bill Gates finding money.”

• RJ Currie of, on the Nats’ Edwin Jackson changing teams 11 times in the last nine seasons: “Now there’s a pitcher with location issues.”

Promotion of the Year

The Rangers will honor Adrian Beltre on Sept. 8 — though we’re not sure if it’s for 3,000 hits or for hilariously getting ejected for moving a portable on-deck circle — by giving 15,000 fans a miniature on-deck circle mousepad.

Put him down for a 5

Golf icon Tiger Woods had Vicodin, Dilaudid, Xanax, Ambien and THC in his system when he was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence in Jupiter, Fla., in May, according to a toxicology report released Monday.

In other words, a solid four over par.