A satirical look back at some of the quirkiest, most eyebrow-raising things that happened in the sports world this week.
A would-be robber in Rio de Janeiro picked the wrong “victim” — MMA fighter Polyana Viana — and by the time she got finished with him and police mercifully arrived, his face looked like a prime candidate for a Hamburger Helper endorsement.
“I threw two punches and a kick,” she told MMAJunkie. “He fell, then I caught him in a rear-naked choke. Then I sat him down in the same place we were before.”
Viana, 26, has a 1-1 career record in fights. Correction: Make that 2-1.
Criminal of the Week
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An Oklahoma woman is facing fines up to $2,400 after she bragged about killing a deer out of season on the dating app Bumble. The potential suitor she was trying to impress turned out to be McIntosh County game warden Cannon Harrison.
Hall of Fame pitcher Randy Johnson has put his Paradise Valley, Ariz., mansion on the auction block. No, not all the doors are sliders, but it does include:
• 25,000-square-foot main home
• 2,000-square-foot guest house
• 11½ bathrooms
• 7 bedrooms
• 5 acres of land
In other words, a Big Unit.
The College Football Hall of Fame says it will add the Goodyear Blimp as an honorary member.
Making it the biggest air-filled immortal since the basketball hall inducted Dick Vitale in 2008.
Twins third baseman Miguel Sano, 25, has lost nearly 30 pounds after finishing last season at 297, the St. Paul Pioneer Press reported.
Sano’s goals for this season, presumably, don’t include hitting 300.
We’re outta here
United Van Lines says New Jersey ranked first in terms of residents leaving the state — 66.8 percent — compared to those moving there in 2018.
Coincidence? That’s where the Giants and the Jets play.
Not so fast
The Williamson County (Texas) Sheriff’s Office hopes to crack down on speeding by using cardboard cutouts of cops.
Sounds like a metaphor for the 49ers’ secondary last season.
Bears kicker Cody Parkey hit a rusher’s hand, the left upright and crossbar on his ill-fated field-goal try against the Eagles.
You’ve got to figure Parkey’s great-great-grandfather was once uncanny in Wild West saloons wielding a six-gun, a mirror and a skillet.
On spin cycle
Michigan defensive assistants Greg Mattison and Al Washington have jumped ship to bitter rival Ohio State.
That whirring sound witnesses reported inside Forest Hill Cemetery in Ann Arbor was Bo Schembechler surpassing 5,000 RPMs.
That explains it!
Headline at SportsPickle.com: “Alabama announces it will skip national title game to prepare for NFL draft.”
Pulling his leg
Say this much for Sebastian Janikowski, the Seahawks’ 260-pound kicker who pulled a leg muscle while attempting a 57-yard field goal: He puts the ham in hamstring.
Talking the talk
• Blogger Chad Picasner, after ESPN’s Brian Griese said both LSU and Central Florida “can walk out of here with their heads held high” after a Fiesta Bowl featuring three ejections and 26 penalties for 249 yards: “Really? Even professional wrestlers would have been embarrassed by that performance.”
• Seattle baseball fan Darren Rawie, via Twitter, on 2019 marking the 50th anniversary of the ill-fated Pilots: “And with all the offseason moves, the Mariners have blessed us with our third expansion team.”
Losing His Shirts Dept.
A bunch of Dirk Koetter’s Buccaneers apparel — complete with his name on the iron-on labels — was discovered at a Tampa Goodwill store less than a week after he was fired as the NFL team’s coach.
Goodbye game films, and hello “Goodwill Hunting”!
Fact of the Day
From @darrenrovell: $5,976: What Dabo Swinney made as a graduate assistant at Alabama in 1993. $22,123: What Dabo Swinney made PER DAY this season, including salary, bonuses & incentives.
• Philadelphia Inquirer: “Still upright.”
• Chicago Tribune: “Post mortem.”
• Philadelphia Daily News: “Clanks for the memory!”
• RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on lax officiating in NBA games: “I’m not saying Houston Rockets star James Harden travels a lot. He just plays basketball like it’s a good walk spoiled.”
• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, after Clemson freshman QB Trevor Lawrence said he hopes to win three more national championships: “If he were a basketball player, he’d be packing up his dorm room tomorrow.”
• Comedy writer Tim Hunter, on his teen years: “I don’t mean to brag, but back in school I was the quarterback, class president, homecoming king and had the best GPA. Oh yes, and I was home-schooled.”
• Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, on why Dustin Johnson — penalized for hitting the wrong ball — should have known the ball wasn’t his: “It was only 340 yards off the tee.”
• Jared Allen, to AP, on why he and three other retired NFL players have taken up curling: “It was chill, and the winners have to buy the losers beer. We thought it was a win-win.”
• Comedy writer Brad Dickson, on why he planned to watch “The Andy Griffith Show” on MeTV instead of Alabama-Clemson on ESPN: “It feels like less of a rerun.”