Looking for that special something for the hard-to-please billionaire on your holiday gift list?

French automaker Bugatti has designed a self-leveling billiards table for yachts that automatically readjusts its legs in just 5 milliseconds to compensate for waves rocking the boat.

Honey, you shouldn’t have: It only costs $300,000.

Headlines

• At TheOnion.com: “Report: Ocean levels could rise foot or more if lots of people go swimming.”

• At Fark.com: “Meet your 2025 Las Vegas Athletics.”

None Mississippi

Retired NFL quarterback Brett Favre still hasn’t paid back $600,000 of the money he received from the state of Mississippi for multiple speaking events for which he never showed up, officials say.

In his defense, though, the return game has never been his strong suit.

There goes the ERA

Park Crossing High School’s 46-45 win over Lanier in the Alabama Class 6A girls softball regionals featured 29 batters hit by pitches and 65 walks.

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Somewhere, Bob “Just A Bit Outside” Uecker was smiling.

Sports quiz

Bragging rights for the city of Los Angeles were won 14-11 on May 8 by the:

a) Dodgers over the Angels

b) Rams over the Chargers

On pins and needles

Waiting for your winning Derby horse’s postrace drug results: The Most Grueling Eight Days in Sports.

That new-book smell

Michael Jordan’s only known game-worn North Carolina basketball jersey sold at auction for $1.38 million on May 8.

Imagine, then, what a once-opened Rob Gronkowski textbook from Arizona might fetch.

Next: participation trophies?

So, which NBA team will be the first to hoist a “2021 Play-In Champion” banner next season?

Attention, movie buffs

“A Bridge Too Far” is an epic 1977 film about:

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a) Allied forces’ heroics in The Netherlands during World War II

b) the making of Bobby Hull’s dental work

Gone with the wins

Sports memorabilia that would be worth millions that has seemingly vanished: landmark home-run balls hit by Bobby Thomson and Kirk Gibson, the ball from Wilt Chamberlain’s 100-point game, the jersey from Jackie Robinson’s first MLB game, video of an athlete saying he gets too much respect and is overpaid …

OK, just kidding on that last one.

Out of contention

Only half of the Mariners’ big-league roster has been vaccinated against COVID-19, according to GM Jerry Dipoto, leaving the team far from MLB’s 85% target.

Probably not the kind of .500 ball the CDC had in mind.

Talking the talk

• Comedy writer Brad Dickson, via Twitter, after miraculously no one was hurt when two small planes collided over Denver: “Meanwhile, every year at least one major-league baseball player misses half the season after injuring himself with a can opener or dental floss.”

• Nick Canepa of the San Diego Union-Tribune, after college-football powerhouse Alabama drew 47,218 for its spring game: “All five-star recruits.”

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2-for-1 deal

Albert Pujols, just released by the Angels, grounded into an MLB-record 403 double plays in his career.

Instead of having a street renamed in his honor, maybe he should be awarded his own 643 area code.

Quote marks

• Robby Kalland of Uproxx.com, on 18-year Heat vet Odonis Haslem stuffing the stat sheet in his belated but brief season debut Thursday night: “For those counting at home, that was two minutes, four points, one rebound, two technicals and an ejection.”

• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com: “So do NBA teams pop Champagne when they clinch a spot in the play-in tournament?”

• Blogger Chad Picasner, after Dodgers pitcher Trevor Bauer complained his new team isn’t winning enough: “You’d think that $34 million a year he makes would ease some of the pain.”

• Ryan Brown of Birmingham’s WJOX Radio, on the hidden benefit of the Pac-12 hiring former MGM Resorts executive George Kliavkoff as its new commissioner: “Very familiar with long odds.”

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• Bucs QB Tom Brady, via Twitter, on what it will be like when his past and present teams play in Foxboro on Oct. 3: “It’s like when your high-school friends meet your college friends.”

• Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, on the Kentucky Derby drawing 14.5 million TV viewers: “Meanwhile, 12.6 million watched the first night of the NFL draft — three hours of reading out the names of other people’s children.”

What, me busy?

Barry Rozner is retiring after 37 years writing for Chicago’s suburban Daily Herald.

“Just for yucks,” he wrote in his final column, “I looked back at a month from 2013 when I wrote 29 of 30 days, hosted 19 radio shows, five TV shows, did three live shots, nine radio hits, wrote a couple freelance stories, handled two speaking engagements and helped a friend with a Hall of Fame speech. … Worried about being bored? No, I think I might like being bored.”