And you think your neighbor dog’s barking is incessant?

Elisha Nochomovitz — in the midst of the coronavirus lockdown in France — ran an entire marathon on his 23-foot apartment balcony in Balma. It took him 6 hours and 48 minutes to complete the roughly 3,000 laps, and a bit of a crowd gathered down below to watch him do it.

“It was about launching a bit of a crazy challenge and bringing a bit of humor, to de-dramatise the confinement situation,” he told AP. “(The neighbors) were very understanding.”

Headlines

• At Fark.com: “NCAA announces severe revenue reduction after canceling March Madness. Players to make the same amount.”

• On The First Baptist Church in America readerboard in Providence, R.I.: “Had not planned on giving up quite this much for Lent.”

Envelope, please

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who on March 3 bragged he “shook hands with everybody” at a hospital with COVID-19 patients, has now tested positive for it.

On the bright side, though, he’s the slam-dunk favorite for the inaugural Rudy Gobert Touch of Stupidity Award.

Where’s the safetyman?

NFL broadcasters, in keeping with the coronavirus theme, will henceforth refer to busted coverages as “social distancing.”

All for naught

England’s Premier League might play matches with no people in the stands for a while once the pandemic ends.

To assuage hard-core soccer fans, they plan to list the attendance as “nil.”

A slice hit

Sidelined Pirates players arranged to have 400 pizzas delivered to the staff at Allegheny General Hospital in Pittsburgh.

That’s what you call throwing some cheese.

RSI alert

The Welsh town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch — 58 letters strong — boasts the longest such name in Europe.

Toughest job in town? Jersey-stitcher for the local soccer team.

R.I.P. to a legend

Curly Neal, the Harlem Globetrotters’ dribbling dervish, died Thursday at age 77.

Something tells us Meadowlark Lemon was waiting at the Pearly Gates with a buckful of confetti.

Dentured Servant Dept.

Not that Tom Brady is getting up there in years or anything, but the Tampa Bay Bucs now refer to their training table as the early-bird special.

Grab your cheat sheets

The NFL draft will go off as scheduled April 23-25, the league announced — except it will be done remotely instead of live in Las Vegas.

Frantic GMs are suddenly pounding the phones to get tips from veteran fantasy owners.

Tweet of the Week

“FACT: This marks the first #OpeningDay in MLB history when all 30 teams are at home.” — @JoshRawitch

Hold that line

The betting website BetOnline.ag has installed Ohio State’s football team as an early 7½-point favorite over Michigan this coming season.

That line, of course, is dependent on another spread — whether the two teams are even allowed to get closer than 6 feet from each other on Nov. 28.

Cheers for booze

Liquor stores have been declared an “essential business” and will thus remain open during Washington governor Jay Inslee’s hunker-down edict.

So for you Mariner fans with enough toilet paper and an eye on the upcoming season, feel free to start hoarding alcohol, too.

Talking the talk

• Comedy writer Brad Dickson, on disagreements over what age constitutes “elderly” in coronavirus demographics: “My definition: If you can remember when Nebraska last won a conference football championship, then you are elderly.”

• RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on the American Psychological Association claiming the average man cries up to 17 times a year: “Oddly enough, the Cincinnati Bengals will soon play that many games per season.”

• Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, after ESPN posted its “Way-Too-Early Top 25” basketball rankings for 2020-21: “We’re bored, yes, but this bored?”

• Mike Hart of the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, on these trying times with coronavirus and no sports: “It’s hard seeing Sanjay Gupta take up more TV time than, say, Joe Buck. OK, it’s not that hard.”

Do I hear seven?

Seahawks linebacker Michael Kendricks’ sentencing for insider trading has been pushed back yet again — for the sixth time.

Or to put it in football terms, 30 yards for delay of game.

Quote marks

• Taylor Rooks of Bleacher Report, via Twitter, on the wrongest she’s ever been: “Bought a plane ticket during halftime of the Super Bowl to go to the championship parade in Atlanta.”

• Ex-pitcher Phil Hughes, via Twitter, after getting his mailed invitation to attend Yankees Old Timers Day on Aug. 9: “Really, guys? I’m 33.”

• Comedian Argus Hamilton, via Facebook, on why he gave up golf at the same time he got sober 33½ years ago: “It made not drinking a lot easier.”

Tweet at Joe’s

Sidelined sportscaster Joe Buck will do a play-by-play narration of your quarantined existence in exchange for a charity donation, tweeting, “Send me videos of what you’re doing at home and I’ll work on my play-by-play. Seriously!”

Predictably, Cowboys fans are already complaining that Buck is biased toward Green Bay’s shut-ins.

Letting some air out

NASCAR is imposing staff salary cuts of 20-25% until there’s a return to racing.

Or as the folks in accounting prefer to call it, restrictor-plate paying.

Going viral

• Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com, on Tom Brady signing with Tampa Bay: “Here you have a man who has spent the last 25 winters of his life in either Michigan or New England; he now has more money than he will ever be able to spend. … Can you really be shocked that he decided to move to Florida?”

• Retired sportswriter Bob Dutton, via Twitter, when Chuck Schumer said “Right now, we’re on the 2 (yard line)” in Senate coronavirus-aid deliberations: “Trust those of us who live in the Pacific Northwest: Run the ball.”

• Hall of Fame sportscaster Ross Porter, via Twitter, on why no Astros have been infected by the coronavirus: “They saw the signs coming before anyone else.”

• @SportsPickle, on the cancellation of baseball’s opening day: “Someone could be on pace for 162 home runs right now. Or even 324 home runs or 486 home runs. Instead they’re on pace for 0 home runs.”

• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on the Indy 500 getting pushed back to the heat of late August: “Gentlemen, start your fans?”