A satirical look back at some of the quirkiest, most eyebrow-raising things that happened in the sports world this week.
Talk about losing your pants.
Winnipeg Blue Bombers fan Chris Matthew hasn’t worn long leggings since 2001 — except on very rare occasions, to funerals and such — after making an ill-fated vow just before that year’s Grey Cup game he wouldn’t wear them again until the Bombers won the CFL title. A safe bet, he thought at the time.
“They were 14-4, and they were playing 8-10 Calgary. I thought it was a no-brainer,” Matthew told CBC News. “Apparently I’m the no-brainer. Seventeen more years, I’m still waiting.
“Nobody I know in my circle of friends even bats an eye anymore. I do get odd looks in grocery stores and on the street and things.”
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• At DailySnark.com: “Jon Gruden reportedly offering Black Friday deals on all good Raiders players left.”
• At TheOnion.com: “Yankees avoid luxury tax by moving franchise to offshore location.”
Here’s the lowdown
Washington coach Jay Gruden says there is no guarantee Reuben Foster will ever play for his NFL team because “we hold our standards very high.”
“I’d love to talk more,” he quickly added, “but I’m running late to our holiday limbo contest.”
Michael Vick advised the Ravens’ Lamar Jackson to “proceed with caution” when it comes to:
a) running too much as an NFL quarterback
b) choosing his off-the-field activities
The Securities and Exchange Commission has fined boxer Floyd Mayweather $600,000 for cryptocurrency fraud for not disclosing he was a paid endorser for three different coin offerings.
Apparently the SEC isn’t a big believer in the must-score system.
Down goes Rocky
In the biggest upset of 2018, Rocky Balboa retired before Tom Brady did.
Still in hock
According to one report, 28 percent of shoppers are still in debt from their spending last Christmas.
“2018? How about 2013?” said the Mariners, still on the hook for $120 million to Robinson Cano.
Tie, tie again
The first 12 games of the World Chess Championship between Norway’s Magnus Carlsen and Fabiano Caruana of the U.S. produced zero wins and 12 draws.
“Hey, trying coming up with your own shtick next time,” said Major League Soccer.
The ultimate flop
Ballybrack, an amateur Irish soccer team, got its upcoming match against Arklow Town canceled by incorrectly claiming that one of its players had been killed in a motorcycle accident.
We’ve heard of faking soccer injuries before, guys, but … c’mon.
Talking the talk
• Comedian Argus Hamilton, on why it’s not a good idea for world chess champions Magnus Carlsen and Fabrino Abruana to dine together: “It takes them 10 minutes to pass the salt.”
• Blogger Chad Picasner, after Syracuse brushed aside Colgate, 77-56: “Apparently it was the toothpaste, not the college.”
Heard in passing
Kenny Stills says he and other Dolphins receivers continually get open, but “I can’t throw the ball to myself.”
Coincidence? Stills just got added to the watch list for the Gisele Bündchen Trophy.
Pass the Raid
A Canadian scientist has named a beetle after former Blue Jays star Jose Bautista.
So what’s next, naming a spit bug in honor of Robbie Alomar?
Checking the inbox
• Back to back email subject lines, from Yahoo.com and FootballGuys.com: “Argument over NFL protests leads to father shooting son” and “Random shots from Week 12, by Joe Bryant.”
• Subject line from Mariners.com Shop the same day the M’s were trying to unload Robinson Cano’s mammoth contract: “2 Days Only | Up to 65% Off + Free Shipping.”
• Manish Mehta of the New York Daily News, on the diminishing production of Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski, 29: “The hot tub that Gronk lounges in (with or without adult film stars) isn’t a time machine. He’s Bernie … and the weekend is nearly upon us.”
• Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com, on ex-Eastern Washington QB Bo Levi Mitchell of the Calgary Stampeders, this year’s Grey Cup MVP: “I’m a BoLevier.”
• RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, after gold medalist Ryan Fry and his team got tossed out of a curling tournament for showing up drunk: “Let he or she that has never been stoned throw the first rock.”
Want-Ad of the Year
Kelly Sowatsky, 31, received a desperately needed kidney from a fellow Penguins fan after flashing a homemade sign reading “Calling all hockey fans! I need a kidney! Gratefully yours, Kelly” at a Pens game last April.
“I saw desperation, I saw courage and I saw she needed help,” Jeff Lynd told ABC. “I knew that my blood type matched. I had this feeling it was something I just had to do.”
These guys are strict
“Unsportsmanlike conduct … on all players … from both teams,” announced the referee following a brawl in the Mississippi State-Ole Miss game that resulted in four players getting ejected.
And if that didn’t stem the mayhem, officials admitted later, then it would have been … double-secret probation!
Back in the money
In Michigan, a woman used the same numbers she used to win a $250,000 jackpot — and won it again.
Now that’s one story that’s worth repeating.
Quote, end quote
• Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, after Tiger Woods said he is struggling to keep weight on: “Which means any day he could be hiring John Daly as his nutritional consultant.”
• Comedy writer Tim Hunter, on reports saying that the average American puts on 6 pounds during the holiday season: “Finally, I’m above average!”