When it comes to throwing strikes, big-league pitchers have nothing on these guys!

The five-member Shelter Insurance bowling squad broke the all-time record with a 1,457 team score — or 291.4 pins per player — at Concord Bowl in St. Louis on Feb. 28.

The quintet rolled games of 279, 289, 300, 300 and 289, registering 10-pin knockdowns in 55 of 58 frames — 95 percent.

Headlines

• At Faux John Madden on Facebook: “Breaking: Dak Prescott’s latest contract demands to include month supply of toilet paper.”

• At TheOnion.com: “Kansas basketball devastated they won’t get opportunity to vacate national championship.”

Steel yourself

Hated AFC North rivals Pittsburgh and Baltimore agreed to a rare trade Friday — the first between the teams this century — bringing defensive end Chris Wormley to the Steelers.

So see, folks, there is still hope for peace in the Middle East.

Aw, shucks

According to BetOnline.ag’s findings, based on geotagged Twitter data, Iowans make up the most-unhappy state over sporting events being canceled.

But only if you consider cornhole a sport.

Coronavirus diaries

• From @GaBoy_Shockley on Twitter: “Day 6 no sports. Watching birds fight over worms. Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3-1.”

• Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, bemoaning the French Open getting postponed until September: “No one can even get a Grand Slam at Denny’s.”

Beanedtown

Rob Gronkowski hangs ‘em up, Tom Brady splits town for the Bucs, Mookie Betts gets dealt to the Dodgers and Chris Sale undergoes Tommy John surgery.

When will those long-suffering sports fans in Boston ever catch a break?

Wanna get away?

Ahead of their time when it came to social distancing: Secretariat … Iditarod mushers … Marlins fans …

This spells trouble

As if all the other shutdowns weren’t enough, now they’re telling us there won’t be a Scripps National Spelling Bee this year.

There are no words …

Envelope, please

With not even one shining moment to be seen this year, let’s award some March Madness trophies anyway:

• Single-City (Tag-Team) Division champion: San Diego, its State Aztecs and D-II UC San Diego men a combined 60-3

• Single-School (Coed) Division champion: Gonzaga, its men’s and women’s teams a combined 59-5

No Split Ends Dept.

So, the rumors are finally official: Tom Brady and Bill Belichick are divorcing.

At least there won’t be a battle to see who gets custody of Gronk.

These guys are serious

Three sure signs the coronavirus is serious stuff:

• The U.S. scuttled March Madness.

• Canada canceled hockey.

• Ireland closed its bars the day before St. Patrick’s Day.

Rerun for the Roses

The May 2 Kentucky Derby has been pushed back to Sept. 5 because of the coronavirus.

Or as this year’s race is now known, “the most exciting 2 minutes/longest 18 weeks in sports.”

Talking the talk

• Comedy writer Brad Dickson: “I was watching TV tonight and it was nothing but disease, viruses, quarantines — and that was the sports news.”

• Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun: “The new March Madness: grocery-store shopping.”

Qurote marks

• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on why Philip Rivers’ new $25 million contract with the Colts will come in handy: “With nine kids, Rivers and his wife need two houses to comply with restrictions on gatherings over 10 people.”

• Running back Todd Gurley, via Twitter, after getting released by the Rams: “Damn, I got fired on my day off. #QuaratineAndChill.”

• Nick Canepa of the San Diego Union-Tribune, on unnecessary angst over the upcoming NFL draft: “Easily can be done without crowds. The NFL can afford to stop making money for a few hours. So can Vegas.”

• Rick Pitino, 67, to WFAN Radio, on why the penalty provisions in his contract ensure that Iona will be his last basketball-coaching job: “The only school that can afford me with my buyout is Fort Knox University.”

• From @SportsPickle on Twitter, on the sports shutdown: “I’m worried about the number of terrible athlete rap albums that will be produced in the next two months.”

June Madness, anyone?

If the NBA wants a nice, compact playoff this year — like say, in just three weekends — we humbly suggest a single-elimination tournament with 14-play-in games the first weekend followed by.four four-team regionals and a final four.

Hey, it works for the NCAA, doesn’t it?

Or, if there’s not enough time for that, just dig up the old BCS crew and let them determine the two finalists.

Tweet of the Week

“1918: Toronto wins its first Stanley Cup

“1919: Stanley Cup canceled

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“1992-93: Toronto wins its first World Series

“1994: World Series canceled

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“2019: Toronto wins its first NBA championship

“2020: NBA championship potentially canceled

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[What the #$%&#@] did Toronto do?” — @matttomic

Fall-back position

France’s 24 Hours of Le Mans car race has been pushed back to Sept. 19-20 because of the coronavirus outbreak.

If marketers had been on their toes they’d have done it on Daylight Saving Time — and made it the 25 Hours of Le Mans.

Quote, end quote

• Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com: “If there are no restarts in US sports over the next month, the best I can look forward to is the beginning of the Mongolian National Premier League — that’s soccer don’t you know — in April. (Just so you know, Ulaanbaatar City is the defending champion there.)”

• Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, looking ahead to the year-end holidays: “That’s when the impact from the global sports blackout will start to be felt in the world’s maternity wards. With no games, tournaments and races to distract the men folk, a baby boom-let is inevitable.”