Talk about making a short story long.
When 9-year-old Kade Lovell failed to appear at the finish line at the St. Francis Franny Flyer 5K in Sartell, Minn., his mother got frantic
“I had everyone looking for him, even a fireman,” Heather Lovell told the St. Cloud Times. “I was like, ‘You need to go find my son.’ I was bawling.”
Alas, Kade had taken a wrong turn on the course and wound up in the event’s 10K version.
And naturally he won it — beating a 40-year-old man by more than a minute.
• At @SportsPickle: “Have to think we could be a game or two away from Odell Beckham demanding a trade to the Giants.”
• At TheOnion.com: “New NCAA rule forces athletes to remove all facial features to prevent them from profiting off likeness.”
And call their draft boards
Washington State football coach Mike Leach called his players “fat, dumb, happy and entitled” after the Cougars’ listless 38-13 loss at Utah.
“Hey, try coming up with your own material,” groused the president of the Dean Wormer Preservation Society.
Green with pride
The Seahawks are now 4-0 in those gaudy “Action Green” uniforms they wore Thursday night against the Rams.
Which certainly puts a whole new spin on “winning ugly.”
Owning a dog can help people sleep better, according to a study published in Sleep Review.
Hey, don’t laugh: It’s certainly cheaper than Tigers season tickets.
Mugged in New York
New York is the country’s least-friendly state, according to BigSevenTravel.com.
Well, duh: The Rangers led the NHL in penalties, penalty minutes and major penalties last season.
Ex-Ravens star Ray Lewis was forced to drop out of “Dancing with the Stars” after:
a) He aggravated an old foot injury.
b) The show downgraded him from ”doubtful.”
Block of the Year
New York Life Insurance Company has blocked its workers from accessing Yahoo’s fantasy football pages on office computers, TheLadders.com reported.
No word on whether violators caught running an end-around get dropped to the waiver wire.
Police arrested a vendor at a Miami Dolphins game who put a $724 charge for two beers onto a fan’s credit card.
At least the fan had the good sense to turn down two beers and two tickets to the next Dolphins game for $725.
Bedder turns bettor
Jim “Mattress Mack” McIngvale, owner of Gallery Furniture in Houston, placed a $3.5 million bet on the Astros to win the World Series.
And, doubling down, he rolled out his latest mattress, the George Springer.
Scientists at the National Defense Medical College in Japan say they’ve created artificial blood that works better than the real stuff.
Didn’t pro rasslers already do that?
Talking the talk
• Mike Bianchi of the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel, on Tennessee’s hapless football team: “The situation has become so bad that Smokey, the team mascot, has entered the transfer portal.”
• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on the hapless Dolphins having a bye this week: “My advice is bet on Miami and take the six points.”
These guys are strict
Money leader Bio Kim got slapped with a three-year suspension from the Korean Tour after he flipped off a fan who took his picture during a downswing.
Making him the first golfer in history to wish he’d carded a bogey instead of a birdie.
• Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, on the Cubs firing Joe Maddon: “In five seasons under Maddon, Chicago won 58 percent of its games, reached the playoffs four times and celebrated a long-awaited World Series victory. What a failure he was.”
• Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, on WSU football coach Mike Leach calling his players “fat, dumb, happy and entitled”: “Although you can now probably strike the ‘happy’ off that statement.”
• Patriots coach Bill Belichick, to reporters, when asked what role football analytics play in his game plans: “Less than zero.”
• Syndicated columnist Norman Chad, on the spread of Minshew Mania: “I just re-watched ‘Forrest Gump,’ and I think I spotted Gardner Minshew II at a ’60s Vietnam War protest rally.”
Shaq be nimble
Rap lyrics of the week, from Shaquille O’Neal in his Instagram feud with the Trail Blazers’ Damian Lillard:
“Take your time to respond, there is no hurry /
“You’ll never be Westbrook, never be Steph Curry …
“What’s in your wallet, American Express or Visa? /
“Talking like you’re ’Bron, you ain’t even Trevor Ariza.”
Quote, end quote
• Former Timberwolves PR director Kent Wipf, via Twitter, on Kevin Garnett’s insistence he be listed at 6 feet 11 though he was inches taller: “I always wanted to list him at 6-13, but I was not allowed.”
• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com: “Anyone seen the spread next week for Miami Dolphins vs. Bye Week?”
• Mike Hart of the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel: “If you want to dress up as The Invisible Man on Halloween, buy a Todd Gurley jersey.”
• Giants running back Saquon Barkley, to Bleacher Report, on his marvelous return from a high ankle sprain: “I went to Wakanda.”
“Thursday Night All-Name Team,” from an ESPN college-football graphic:
• UCLA OL Boss Tagaloa
• Stanford K Jet Toner
• North Carolina DB Storm Duck
• Tulane OL Sincere Haynesworth
• Memphis TE Joey Magnifico
• Temple video coordinator Macho Scotty Smalls
Ronald Acuna Jr. drew the ire of his Braves teammates when he lost a surefire double off the wall because he slowed to admire his “home run” in a 7-6 loss to the Cardinals in Game 1 of the NLDS.
On the plus side, though, Acuna’s got a Kraft Singles endorsement in the bag.