A satirical look back at some of the quirkiest, most eyebrow-raising things that happened in the sports world this week.
Try telling this suspect that pro rasslin’ is fake.
A would-be robber armed with an 11-inch knife made the mistake of targeting a 57-year-old Connecticut man trained in Lucha Libre. As Stamford Police Sgt. Robert Shawinsky told the Stamford Advocate: “He punched (suspect Israel) Torres in the face and conducted a takedown move on him.”
The perp, pinned to the ground when police arrived, had yet to demand a rematch at press time.
• At @NotSportsCenter: “Breaking: The SEC Network is projecting Alabama to take control of both the House and Senate.”
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• At TheOnion.com: “Compassionate fisherman doesn’t have heart to throw trout back into incredibly polluted lake.”
Paging Woody Hayes
A 43-year-old man working the chain gang at a youth football game in Tuscaloosa, Ala., has been charged with harassment after he allegedly went onto the field and slapped an opposing player who had tackled his son.
And you thought they take Crimson Tide games seriously down there?
The name of the 49ers cheerleader who took a knee during the anthem before the Raiders game is:
a) Kayla Morris
b) Erica Reid
c) Colleen Kaepernick
Love on the run
A man proposed to his girlfriend when she hit the 16-mile mark while running her first New York City Marathon.
He would’ve done it at 15, but he wanted her to go the extra mile.
Which football coach boasts more future first-round draft picks, Jon Gruden or Nick Saban?
Going, going, gone
Former Marlins pitcher Justin Wayne has been sentenced to four years in prison for insurance fraud.
But with the promise of an earlier release, if he produces a quality start.
Kick off the old block
Packers punter J.K. Scott’s wife Sydney gave birth to a son just hours after the team returned from its game at New England.
He called it “life-changing.” She’s just glad all the kicking is over.
And, in soccer nudes
Supporters of Rijnsburgse Boys, a soccer team in the Netherlands, hired a porn star named Foxy to run in nothing but shoes and socks across the field to unnerve rival Amsterdamsche FC players, but it didn’t work as first-place AFC breezed to a 6-2 win.
Now that’s what you call a losing streak.
Gone with the wins
Oilers goalie Mikko Koskinen went 7 years, 258 days between NHL wins.
Or — to put that in perspective — nearly 4½ times longer than the Browns’ recent victory drought.
Chuck the halls
Decorating early for Christmas makes people happier, according to research published in the Journal of Environmental Psychology.
If that’s the case, Raiders ornaments must be hot sellers in Oakland.
Talking the talk
• Comedy writer Tim Hunter, on researchers’ claims that they’ve discovered the world’s oldest painting in a cave in Borneo: “The really interesting part is that it appears to show four T-Rexes at a table, playing poker.”
• NBC’s Jimmy Fallon, after the Red Sox won their first World Series since 2013: “Today, 5-year-olds in Boston were like, ‘Finally, the curse is broken.’ ”
Bad rub of the green
Irish golf star Rory McIlroy has sold his waterfront mansion near Palm Beach Gardens, Fla., for $11.5 million — $250,000 less than he paid for the property six years ago.
In other words: “In the hole!”
• Comedy writer Marc Ragovin, on gymnastics icon Mary Lou Retton divorcing her husband of 27 years: “I guess she is no longer head-over-heels over him.”
• Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatchewan’s Saskatoon Express, on the Bills retiring RB Thurman Thomas’ jersey: “The ceremony was delayed when Thomas couldn’t find it.”
• Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, after Detroit coach Matt Patricia snapped at a reporter about his posture: “Although if anyone should know about slumping, it’s the head coach of the Lions.”
• NBC football broadcaster Al Michaels, when asked how the late Howard Cosell would view today’s sports-media landscape: “He would hate social media. He would hate talk radio. … He would describe it as a ‘cacophony of crap.’ ”
• Dennis Dodd of CBSsports.com, with the latest college-football odds: “Alabama is 5/13 to win the national championship. Tua is a staggering 1/10 to win the Heisman. Should we just fast-forward to July media days?”
Tweet of the Week
From @leftcoastbabe: “Do California ‘Lemon Laws’ apply not only to cars but also to sports teams? Asking for a friend in Las Vegas.”
Quote, end quote
• Brad Rock in Salt Lake City’s Deseret News, on reports that American CEOs earn 312 times what the average worker makes: “Latrell Sprewell’s first thought: ‘Hey. They got families to feed.’ ”
• Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com, with college basketball’s least-surprising news: “Note that the UCLA basketball team did not choose to take a week or so trip to China in early November this year.”
• Jon Wilner of the San Jose Mercury News, on Washington State QB Gardner Minshew sitting a distant fourth in the weekly USA Today Heisman poll: “Everyone not named Tua is distant, to be honest.”
• Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, on the impending move of the Raiders: “Usually when a high-rolling loser comes to Vegas, the casinos set him up with a comp hotel room. With (owner Mark) Davis, they’re giving him a comp stadium.”