Here’s a hot stock tip: Don’t ask the guy who picked Derrick Lewis’ car to break into.

Lewis, you see, is a UFC heavyweight title contender. And he caught the perp in the act, so you can guess the rest.

“Mr. Lewis says he went over to the suspect, struck him, placed him onto the ground until the police arrived,” Houston Police spokeswoman Jodi Silva told MMAFighting.com. “That’s the nicest way to put it.”

Headlines

• At TheOnion.com: “Jordan’s game-used tongue sold for $1.38 million at auction.”

• At Fark.com: “Jaguars officially sign Tim Tebow. ESPN explodes with delight.”

Got a shoehorn?

Wideout Kadarius Toney, the Giants’ first-round draft pick, had to run individual drills in his bare feet on the first day of rookie minicamp because the team issued him cleats a couple sizes too small.

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Hey, it’s better than telling him he had some mighty big shoes to fill.

No and-one?

Broadcasting icon Marv Albert, 79, announced he’ll be retiring after this year’s NBA playoffs.

Say it ain’t “YESSSSSS!”, Marv.

This idea went South

The Patriots offered fans a picture with one of the team’s Lombardi Trophies if they got a COVID-19 vaccination at one of six Boston-area sites last Monday.

It would’ve been seven sites, but the team reportedly nixed Tom Brady’s offer to add one in Tampa.

Orange feeling blue

Syracuse’s women’s basketball program had a whopping dozen players exit via the transfer portal after this past season.

Here’s guessing this year’s highlight video won’t be titled “12 Women Out.”

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Cat’s play

New Lions coach Dan Campbell, looking to motivate his squad, says he suggested having a pet lion around the team’s practice facility.

Hope it’s not too hungry for victories.

Talking the talk

• Nick Canepa of the San Diego Union-Tribune, on the inexplicable hype over Tim Tebow showing no signs of slowing: “Tebow could play for Cape Horn and ESPN would assign a reporter it hasn’t fired to cover him.”

• Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun, on the injury-plagued Nets: “They’re expecting to have (James) Harden, Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving ready to be together for the playoffs. At least to start the playoffs.”

• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on baseball’s outburst of no-nos this season: “Can anyone imagine how many no-hitters Nolan Ryan would have in this home-run-or-bust era?”

Knuckle-head?

A frustrated Braves righty Huascar Ynoa punched the dugout bench on Sunday and fractured his pitching hand, sidelining him for multiple months, and taking “fight to the end” to a new level.

Keep your shirts on

No truth to the rumor that the .199-hitting Mariners plan to replace Bat Night with Mario Mendoza Jersey Night.

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No-names in the game

Humber, Cole, Sanchez, Means and Turnbull represents:

a) the best darn law firm in Seattle

b) the last five starting pitchers to no-hit the Mariners

It’s no hit parade

OK, who’s the wise guy who put the pool noodles in the Mariners’ bat rack?

Tweet of the Week

“RT if you’ve thrown a no-hitter this season.” — @NOTSportsCenter

Quote marks

• Joshua Tracey, via Twitter: “The CDC now says it’s perfectly fine to swing at 3-0 pitches.”

• Phil Mushnick of the New York Post, on broadcaster Marv Albert’s pending retirement: “He loved games of any kind, from stoopball to tennis. At nearly 80, he’s still a kid waiting for you to come out to play.”

• Blogger Chad Picasner, on baseball color commentators’ penchant for barraging viewers with nonstop stats: “Please, let us go back to the Joe Garagiola method of situation analysis of a crucial situation: ‘We won’t have to talk. Just listen, the crowd will tell us the story.’ ”

It pays to not play

Bet your company’s sick-leave policy isn’t this lucrative.

NBA teams paid players $906,171,634 for the 6,319 games they missed this season — or $143,404 per game — while out ill or injured, according to Spotrac.com.