What, they’re telling us that wrestling matches were even fixed … 18 centuries ago?

A scientist reading fragments of Egyptian papyri from the year 267 found a written contract that called for Demetrius to take a fall three times in a wrestling match against fellow teenager Nicantinous in exchange for a 3,800-drachma payoff, according to Archaeology.org.

So what’s the next gut-punch to our shattered innocence — that chariot racing wasn’t always on the up-and-up?

Headlines

• At Fark.com: “Richie Incognito pleads guilty to disorderly conduct at funeral home, says it was because he was not a mourning person.”

• At SportsPickle.com: “Will Trent Richardson and Johnny Manziel have to wait 5 years to be inducted into the AAF Hall of Fame?”

Water hockey, anyone?

Our neighbors’ country to the north is warming at twice the rate of the rest of the planet, according to Environment and Climate Change Canada.

Forward-thinking Canadian engineers, not to be denied, are already hard at work on floating pucks and curling stones.

Mini-series? No kidding

ABC-TV is slated to air a 10-episode series on mini-golf called “Holey Moley,” with Joe Tessitore among those behind the mic.

What, no Booger McFarland sideline reports from a golf cart?

Envelope, please

And the winner of this year’s Earl Weaver Award is …

San Antonio coach Gregg Popovich — ejected just 63 seconds into the Spurs’ latest game at Denver.

Boxers or Briefs Dept.

Just when you thought there wasn’t room for one more sport, along comes the Lingerie Fighting Championships.

So, what brand are the boxing trunks — Everlast or Victoria’s Secret?

On the uptick

Washington pole-vaulter Olivia Gruver broke the NCAA women’s outdoor record with a 15-foot, 6¼-inch vault, eclipsing the school record by more than a foot and the Pac-12 mark by 5-plus inches.

No. 1 in the poles? No kidding.

Four-strikes policy

Bengals RB Mark Walton has been arrested three times in three months — the latest on weapons, marijuana and reckless-driving charges — but is somehow still with the team.

Haven’t these guys ever heard of three-and-out?

Winning for losing

Louisiana is the most stressed state, according to a study by the personal-finance site Wallethub.com.

It certainly was after the NFC Championship Game.

Talking the talk

SportsPickle.com, after QB Russell Wilson gave the Seahawks an April 15 deadline to get a contract extension done: “When you find out you owe $314 on your tax return.”

• Dinur Blum, via Facebook, with the ultimate diss on the AAF’s first-year fold: “Big Baller Brand outlasted this league.”

Reeling in the fans

Last month’s GEICO Bassmaster Classic on the Tennessee River reported a record three-day attendance of 153,809.

What, was it Mike Wurm Bobblehead Day?

Gold Kentucky home

Kentucky has offered basketball coach John Calipari a lifetime contract.

Hey, don’t laugh: It certainly beats a one-and-done.

Where’e the ring doctor?

The WWE is getting slammed for not giving health benefits to its rasslers.

Apparently the hang-up is whether fake injuries and hair-pulling ought to be covered.

Quote marks

• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, after Alex Rodriguez proposed to Jennifer Lopez: “Unfortunately, the engagement ring tested positive for cubic zirconia.”

• Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, on arena video boards flashing the message “The NCAA opposes all forms of legal and illegal sports wagering” during this year’s basketball tournament: “Cue the laugh track.”

• Comedy writer Brad Dickson, on the over-the-top coverage of Nebraska’s basketball-coaching search: “My sources are telling me that this morning at 8 a.m. Fred Hoiberg enjoyed a cup of coffee with cream, no sugar, and a bowl of oatmeal. No info as to whether there was any fruit in the oatmeal. More as this develops.”

• Giants QB Eli Manning, as quoted by Newsday, on Philadelphia fans: “You go there, and that 9-year-old kid is giving you the double finger. Not a thumbs-up. Not, ‘We’re No. 1.’ And he said something about my mom; I had to Google what it was.”

• RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on the NFL, CFL and AAF all in Johnny Manziel’s rearview mirror: “What next, Johnny Nerfball?”

• Fans of the NHL’s lowly Devils and Rangers, chanting in unison at New Jersey’s home finale: “We both suck!”

Bonus baby

Phillies star Bryce Harper and his wife Kayla are expecting their first child in August.

Harper was last seen practicing his celebratory cigar flip.

Back, back, back

Arizona beat the Dodgers on March 29 in the longest regular-season game in Dodger Stadium history — 6 hours, 5 minutes and 13 innings.

L.A. fans were so confused that, after leaving early in the seventh inning as usual, they came back twice more so they could leave again in the 10th and 12th.

Swishes come true

Toyota tinkerers have created a robot that rarely misses free throws or three-point shots.

Steph Curry immediately filed suit for copyright infringement.

Quote, end quote

• Brad Rock of Salt Lake City’s Deseret News, on the UK study declaring that people are the happiest at ages 16 and 70: “That pretty much covers both ends of Vince Carter’s career.”

• Mike Hart of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, wondering how the term “circus catch” came to be: “The clowns never caught the guy who was shot out of the cannon.”

• Mike McCarthy, to ESPN, on his phone lighting up the week after he was axed as Packers coach: “I got more than twice as many messages for getting fired (500-plus) than I did when I won the damn Super Bowl (200-plus). It’s remarkable.”

• Veteran Utah Jazz PA announcer Dan Roberts, to the Deseret News, on why working an NCAA regional didn’t make him nervous: “If I can say Antetokounmpo 15 times in a game, I can say your guys’ names.”

• Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, on Baltimore pitcher David Hess getting pulled in the seventh inning despite having a no-hitter going: “If any Orioles want to pitch a no-hitter, they just need to volunteer to throw batting practice.”

• Comedian Argus Hamilton, after Tennessee CB Kenneth George Jr. was arrested for punching a Miami Beach police officer during spring break: “He faces suspension from school, jail time and being the first draft choice of the Cincinnati Bengals.”