A snail named Hosta won the annual snail-racing championships in Norfolk, England, and it’s a good thing for him that he did.
And you thought George Steinbrenner was hard on his players?
The aptly named Hosta won the annual snail-racing championships in Norfolk, England, outsliming 179 other competitors to the finish line — a 30-centimeter slither out to the perimeter of a circle — and winning trainer Jo Waterfield was only too happy to reveal her secret to winning:
“He spent all summer eating my hostas. I told him if he didn’t win I’d squash him.”
• Sign spotted at Thursday’s Giants-Brewers game at AT&T Park: “Josh Hader: SF is a hate-free zone (except for the Dodgers).”
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• At BorowitzReport.com: “Trump demands that NFL players stand during Russian national anthem.”
Latest sign that the apocalypse is nearly upon us: Bryce Love, Stanford’s Heisman-worthy running back, chose staying back at school to go to class over an appearance at Pac-12 Football Media Day.
Six Florida football players wound up in a confrontation that involved the use of airsoft guns, a bat, rocks and a frying pan as weapons.
Just think of it as “The 12 Days of Christmas” — the Jeff Foxworthy version.
Giants first baseman Brandon Belt named his newborn son August, in honor of his college coach at Texas, the late Augie Garrido.
Just be thankful the Longhorns hired Garrido instead of Oil Can Boyd.
Niners QB Jimmy Garroppolo, caught in a social-media crossfire after getting caught out on a date with porn star Kiara Mia, responded to all the hoo-hah by saying:
a) “I’m under a microscope. … It’s a good learning experience.”
b) “No comment until I’ve seen the films.”
Wrong Mendoza Line
Iowa defensive lineman Brady Reiff was arrested for public intoxication — to the tune of a .204 BAC — after he tried to open the door of a University of Iowa police car that he mistook for an Uber.
Hawkeye apologists immediately accused the cops of disguising their coverage.
The U.S. women’s fencing team, competing in Wuxi, China, became the first American squad in history to win a senior world championship in the foil discipline.
Guess you won’t be hearing them say “Curses — foiled again!” any time soon.
Sports quiz II
Raiders owner Mark Davis fired popular radio broadcaster Greg Papa because Papa:
a) criticized the team for making Mike Shanahan a head-coaching candidate in 2015.
b) refused to add “for all the Tostitos” to his on-air repertoire.
c) referred to Davis’ hairstyle as “the Oakland Coliseum bowl cut.”
Maybe MLB ought to award a Gold Glove for fans, too.
A man in Philadelphia on Monday made a barehand catch of a Maikel Franco home-run ball with one hand — while holding a baby on the other.
Talking the talk
• NBC’s Seth Meyers, after police arrested a Massachusetts man for stripping naked and doing yoga poses at a Planet Fitness in Plaistow, N.H.: “That story again: A man in Massachusetts has become the first person ever to successfully cancel his gym membership.”
• Steve Rosenbloom of the Chicago Tribune, on NASCAR’s falling TV ratings this year and last: “And I’m wondering, are Colin Kaepernick and Eric Reid taking knees on pit row?”
The Orioles’ Adam Jones and Chris Davis got stuck for 30 minutes in a freight elevator after an 8-7 loss to the Blue Jays.
Judging by the O’s plummet to 40 games under .500 this season, it was likely a faulty up button.
Over the Rainbows
Hawaii football coach Nick Rolovich brought a Britney Spears impersonator to Mountain West media day.
And if the Rainbow Warriors repeat last year’s 3-9 performance, we assume, they’ll bring her back to sing “Oops I Did It Again.”
Reds slugger Joey Votto says he might become a school crossing guard when his playing days end.
Hey, don’t laugh: He’s second on the Reds’ all-time list in walks.
Star receiver Antonio Brown arrived at Steelers training camp in a helicopter.
Holdout RB Le’Veon Bell, not to be outdone, immediately booked a Brinks truck.
Time to retool
Because of possible stadium-construction issues, the Seahawks-Raiders game Oct. 14 at England’s Tottenham Hotspur Stadium might be moved to Wembley Stadium.
Perfect — both teams are rebuilding.
• Mike Hart of the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, after the NFL Network ranked Steelers RB Le’Veon Bell fifth in its listing of the NFL’s top-100 players: “If this was a competition for contract squabbling, he’d be No. 1.”
• RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on Johnny Manziel getting traded to Montreal in the CFL without ever playing a game in Hamilton: “The way Manziel’s career is going, maybe we should call him Johnny Freefall.”
• Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, after LiAngelo Ball missed 35 shots during a JBA game: “Or as Shaquille O’Neal calls 19 for 54, a pretty good day at the free-throw line.”
• ESPYs host Danica Patrick, on Tiger Woods: “Why do people keep talking about Tiger Woods when he isn’t winning? I mean, who does he think he is? Me?”
• Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, on Nats pitcher Stephen Strasburg turning 30: “Seems like just the other day the big righty was a gangly kid appearing on his first disabled list.”
• Jason Whitlock of FS1, coining a new nickname for Jimmy Garoppolo after the 49er QB’s date with a porn star: “Jimmy G-string.”
One baby to go, please
A woman gave birth in the restroom at a Chick-fil-A restaurant in San Antonio.
Apparently she forgot that Pizza Hut offers home delivery.