Olden Gloves, anyone?

Quinquagenarian boxers Mike Tyson, 54, and Roy Jones Jr., 51, have agreed to go eight rounds on Sept. 12.

What, you’ve never seen two guys with Everlast trunks pulled up to their armpits before?


• At TheOnion.com: “Closed ballpark forces thousands of Phillies fans to be content verbally threatening friends and family.”

• At Fark.com: “Red Sox president: We’re disappointed Mookie decided to sign with the team we traded him to.”

Just Win baby, indeed

Seahawks QB Russell Wilson and pop-star wife Ciara named their new baby boy Win.

Somewhere, Al Davis is smiling.

Thanks for nothing

The Phillies — who had the misfortune to face the COVID-stricken Marlins in the midst of that team’s viral breakout — tested negative for a second straight day, ESPN reported.


Veteran baseball wags say they’d never seen players so happy to take an 0-fer before.

These guys are strict

On the heels of nary an Astros player getting penalized for electronic sign-stealing, Baseball and the MLB Players’ Association have agreed that any such future violators will be subject to discipline.

And if that doesn’t work, it’s … it’s … double-secret discipline!

Caught offside

Several Saskatchewan kid-hockey teams changed their team names, withheld player names on game rosters and forbid parents to post on social media so that they could leave the province in the midst of a pandemic to play in a tournament in Winnipeg, the CBC reported.

Nervous team officials sense a delayed penalty coming.

Just wondering

If the Blue Jays win the World Series, will they be treated to a championship parade through the vacated streets of Buffalo?

COVID 19, Zimmer 0

Sign of the times in this year’s NFL: Vikings coach Mike Zimmer has lost his designated spot in the employee parking lot — to a COVID-19 testing trailer.


Still in your face

When it comes to jawing with umpires, something tells us that Earl Weaver, Billy Martin and Lou Piniella — even with a mask on — wouldn’t have been very good at this social-distancing thing.

Money player

Super Bowl MVP Patrick Mahomes came in just fourth in the NFL Network’s rankings of the league’s top 100 players.

Oh, yeah? Try telling that to his wallet.

High, hard one

On-air exchange between Dodgers broadcasters Joe Davis and Orel Hersheiser on SportsNet LA after Astros star Jose Altuve got caught looking:

Davis: “Strike three called. Perhaps guessing something else. Two out.”

Hersheiser: “Guessing is harder than knowing.”

Get me rewrite

Once upon a time it was “1, 2, 3 strikes you’re out!” in baseball.

Now it’s 1, 2, 3 tests you’re out.

He’s the boss

Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes just bought an ownership stake in the MLB Royals.

For those of you keeping score at home, it’s now the Royals and 31 NFL teams that he owns.


Wrong high post

The NBA placed Clippers guard Lou Williams in a 10-day quarantine after he left the NBA bubble to attend the funeral of a friend’s father — and then got pictured inside an Atlanta strip club on social media.

Rumor has it he’s frantically restocking up on $1 bills in the likely event of a fine.

No Canada

Something else we’re missing out on with no baseball in Toronto this season: Cardboard cutouts of frolicking guests in the Skydome Hotel windows.

Talking the talk

• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on the Cubs’ Anthony Rizzo giving the Brewers’ Orlando Arcia some hand sanitizer after Arcia wound up at first base with a hit: “Talk about a clean single.”

• Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, on Manscaped’s sponsorship deal to become the “official below-the-waist grooming partner” of the 49ers: “I hope it’s a no-cut contract.”

Getting separation

At least three dozen NFL players — including six Patriots — say they won’t play this season because of coronavirus concerns.


Probably not the out pattern the league had in mind.

Quote marks

• Craig Calcaterra of NBCsports.com, via Twitter, on Nationals catcher Tres Barrera’s 80-game suspension for testing positive for Dehydrochlormethyltestosterone: “Feel like, if he can spell it on the first try, they should reduce his suspension to 40 games.”

• Angels manager Joe Maddon, to AP, on all those balls landing in empty stands: “They’ve got to have the baseball detail that goes out there after the game: ‘As opposed to blowing hot-dog wrappers, let’s go find baseballs.’”

• Brewers slugger Christian Yelich, to MLB.com, shrugging off his 2-for-23 showing with 12 strikeouts in his team’s preseason intrasquad games: “I wasn’t struggling. I was just doing my best Bob Uecker impression.”

• Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot: “Sarcasm ahead: I don’t know how baseball people were able to judge the greatness of Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron, Mickey Mantle and Willie Mays without knowing the launch angle and exit velocity of their home runs.”

Show Me … the debt

Missouri ranks 28th in credit-card debt, according to a WalletHub.com study, with a median tab of $2,441.

But it’ll be a slam-dunk top 10 once Patrick Mahomes’ signing bonus shows up on the Chiefs’ Mastercard statement.


Over easy

Shane Bieber has thrown 14 scoreless innings — with a record-tying 27 strikeouts — in his first two starts for the Indians this season.

A Bieber throwing eggs? Been there, done that.

Quote, end quote

• Comedy writer Brad Dickson: “How bad is it in Major League Baseball? 37 cardboard cutouts of fans placed in the stands just tested positive for COVID.”

• Comedian Argus Hamilton, via Facebook: “How can we trust the people in Washington, D.C., to run this country when they can’t even come up with a name for their football team?”

• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, after 16 Marlins players tested positive for COVID-19: “And they said the Marlins’ fielders couldn’t catch anything.”

• Nick Canepa of the San Diego Union-Tribune, after mask-averse Laker Dwight Howard said he didn’t know the coronavirus would be “flying through the air looking for people”: “See what we’re up against?”

• Peter King of NBC Sports, pushing for MLB teams to cull past fan video — happy fans, booing fans, foul-ball-catching fans, etc. — and insert them in this season’s telecasts: “It would be fun to watch FDR celebrating a Brandon Crawford home run.”

• Blogger Patti Dawn Swansson, on the orphaned Blue Jays getting rejected by Toronto, Baltimore and Pittsburgh before finding a 2020 home in Buffalo: “That’s kind of like trying to book John Lennon or Paul McCartney or George Harrison to play your birthday gig, but settling for Ringo.”