And you thought getting to your stadium seat without spilling a drop of beer was impressive?
U.S. Olympic champ Katie Ledecky just posted a video of her freestyling the length of a 50-meter pool with a glass of chocolate milk on her head.
• At TheOnion.com: “Federal troops tear-gas Yankees off field so Trump can throw out first pitch.”
• At Fark.com: “If you build it, they will … have to wait until next year.”
Louisville booted three men’s soccer players and suspended three others for hosting a party that resulted in 29 positive coronavirus tests and brought four other programs’ workouts to a halt.
Or, as Cardinals apologists immediately tried to spin it: three red cards and three yellows.
Dodgers outfielder Mookie Betts was listed as day to day with a swollen middle finger.
“We feel your pain,” said fans in Philadelphia.
Destined to be a hot-selling bumper sticker in south Florida: “Honk if you’re a Marlin who hasn’t contracted COVID.”
And … he’s out
Mets outfielder Yoenis Cespedes vanished from the team hotel in Atlanta before finally announcing hours later that he was opting out of the 2020 season.
In other words, the old hidden-ballplayer trick.
1918 all over again
This year’s Cardinals-White Sox game at Field of Dreams in Dyersville, Iowa, has been canceled.
A bunch of those old ballplayers out in the cornfield apparently didn’t social-distance and tested positive for the Spanish flu.
A Twins-Pirates game was delayed for nine minutes when an unauthorized drone flew over center field.
Possible charges range from violating the outfield fly rule to the most-feared one — lack of express written consent.
Talking the talk
• Blogger Chad Picasner, after Scott Boras suggested MLB teams each hire a monitor to ensure players’ compliance with COVID-19 precautions: “This is great. Now Scott can organize the monitors and be the first agent to represent babysitters.”
• Spotted on Facebook: “Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water. Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.”
Hey, badder batters
Six MLB teams — the Pirates, Indians, Reds, Tigers, A’s and Rangers — were hitting between .191 and .208 entering Friday’s play.
Which has cardboard-cutout fans suddenly clamoring to know: So when is Mario Mendoza Bobblehead Night?
• Yankees pitcher Jordan Montgomery, to The New York Times, on players’ dirty words getting picked up more often on TV without crowd noise to muffle it: “I know my mom is watching, so I try to keep it PG.”
• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, via Twitter, after a coronavirus outbreak in a San Diego gym that was operating illegally: “My god, people, you have the perfect excuse not to work out. Use it.”
• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on the 9-minute drone delay at Target Field: “Anyone checked to see if Houston Astros are scheduled to play the Minnesota Twins soon?”
• The late Tommy Bolt, the 1958 U.S. Open champ known for his temper, with a still-relevant golf tip: “Always throw clubs ahead of you. That way you won’t waste any energy going back to pick them up.”
Little things still mean a lot — even in college recruiting.
Ex-Georgia offensive tackle Isaiah Wilson — the Titans’ first-round draft pick this year — told Barstool Sports he eliminated Alabama and Michigan from playing consideration because Tide coach Nick Saban didn’t hug him and the Wolverines’ Jim Harbaugh wore cleats on the Wilson home’s hardwood floors when he came to visit.
Quote, end quote
• Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com, on 31 of the 66 NFL players who opted out of the 2020 season being offensive or defensive linemen: “Keith Jackson used to refer to those units as the ‘Big Uglies’; however, don’t call them the ‘Big Dummies.’ Those are players who are going to be violating social-distancing guidelines on every snap of the ball.”
• Blogger Patti Dawn Swansson: “If the Miami Marlins lose another player to a positive COVID-19 test, is there any truth to the rumor that Dr. Anthony Fauci automatically moves into the starting rotation?”
• Tim Hunter of Everett’s KRKO Radio, on why fewer Astros test positive for COVID-19: “They saw the signs coming.”
• Celtics legend Bill Russell, via Twitter, after a fan watching the Boston-Portland NBA game tweeted “Russell is looking down from heaven smiling” after Marcus Smart blocked a shot and corraled it: “Just in case anyone cares, I am still alive, at least I was the last time I checked.”