A satirical look back at some of the quirkiest, most eyebrow-raising things that happened in the sports world this week.
Who needs the 12 days of Christmas when you can have 12 months of rehab?
Ski star Lindsey Vonn, 34, broke down her injury history for Sports Illustrated (you’ll have to hum your own accompanying music):
• 18 screws and a plate for a humerus spiral fracture;
• Multiple meniscal repairs, concussions and broken fingers;
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• 4 tibial plateau fractures;
• 2 ACL reconstructions;
• 1 broken ankle;
• and a medial-collateral … ligament … dislocation.
• At TheOnion.com: “Is Cindy Gruden worth more than the 7th-round pick Jon Gruden traded her for?”
• Spotted on a gamer’s T-shirt: “I went outside once: The graphics weren’t that great.”
Too much Jet fuel
A motorist arrested on a DUI charge in Wayne, N.J., blamed his .13 blood-alcohol reading on the fact “I drank too much because the Jets suck,” according to the police report.
On the bright side, oddsmakers say he just might have a better chance of winning than the Jets do.
Hold your noses
Chowdaheads.com has come up with a couple scented candles with Red Sox fans in mind: “Fresh Cut Fenway Grass” and “Up on the Monstah.”
Hey, don’t laugh: It’s certainly better than “Eau du Oakland Coliseum.”
England’s Football Association suspended a referee for three weeks for resorting to rock/paper/scissors at a Women’s Super League match after forgetting to bring his coin for the pregame flip.
Tossed out? No kidding.
The Steelers star charged with reckless driving for exceeding 100 mph was:
a) Antonio Brown, zipping through Pittsburgh
b) Le’Veon Bell, leaving town
Massachusetts-based World Against Toys Causing Harm (WATCH) unveiled its 46th annual list of the 10 “worst toys,” including a Black Panther “slash claw” and a plastic Power Rangers sword.
Somehow missing the list:
• Operation (Rob Gronkowski edition)
• Monopoly (Le’Veon Bell edition)
• Tickle Me Vontaze doll
Saints coach Sean Payton admitted he smashed a fire alarm that wouldn’t stop blaring in his team’s locker room 20 minutes before kickoff in Cincinnati.
But, as Payton apologists were quick to point out, there were no bounties involved, and he didn’t lead with his head.
NFL quiz II
“Super Bowl” in Oakland now refers to:
a) a game the Raiders used to play in once in a while
b) what owner Mark Davis requests when he goes to the barbershop
Carolina’s Kyle Love took to Instagram to refute allegations he fell asleep on the bench during his team’s 52-21 loss to the Steelers.
In his defense, he’s a D-tackle, not a Z receiver.
Seasonal Affective Disorder — the “winter blues” — is real, says Dr. Jennifer Ashton, ABC News’ chief medical correspondent.
“Tell us about it,” said Bills fans in unison.
Talking the talk
• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, after Melania Trump ran up a $96,000 hotel bill during a six-hour stay in Cairo: “On the bright side, she was named an honorary Jacksonville Jaguar.”
• Hall of Fame RB Jim Brown, when once asked why he refused to block with the Cleveland Browns: “Do you ask Liberace to carry his piano?”
He’s all ears
Former heavyweight champ Evander Holyfield’s son, Elijah, is averaging 6.2 yards a carry for the Georgia football team this season.
Smart kid, that Elijah — choosing a sport that requires a helmet.
Not so fast, son
An 11-year-old boy in Cleveland, miffed that his mother took his PlayStation away, commandeered her car and led police on a high-speed chase before crashing it.
Here’s guessing he won’t be playing Grand Theft Auto for a while.
A cut above
Cowboys RB Ezekiel Elliott got his Afro shaved and dramatically restyled.
In keeping with the theme, he told the barber to run a fade pattern.
Numb and numbers
A Red Sox fan won a $100,000 Mass Cash lottery prize by playing the jersey numbers of Rafael Devers (11), Andrew Benintendi (16), Jackie Bradley Jr. (19), Rick Porcello (22) and Steve Pearce (25).
“Is there a lottery that only uses one number?” asked an Orioles fan.
• Stewart Mandel of The Athletic, via Twitter, on the difference between college and pro football: “College-football schools feel the need to schedule games 12 years in advance, while the NFL can relocate one on 5 days’ notice.”
• Mike Hart of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, on the 1-8 Raiders visiting the 2-7 Cardinals: “Scalpers in Glendale, Ariz., will have to get a second job this week.”
• Comedian Argus Hamilton, on President Trump awarding the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Babe Ruth and Elvis Presley: “It was a brilliant move. Trump finally figured out a way to get a sports champion and a member of the entertainment industry not to refuse an invitation to the White House.”
Why stop at 11?
This week’s “Yes, But Who’s Counting?” Award goes to the girls soccer ref who somehow overlooked the fact that Strongsville played with one too many players on the field for six minutes en route to beating Twinsburg 1-0 in the Ohio state high-school semifinals.
Which is more amazing:
a) That the Davidson football team rushed for a record 789 yards against San Diego on Nov. 10?
b) Or that the Wildcats did it and still lost, 56-52?
The write stuff
• Kevin Cusick of the St. Paul Pioneer Press, after Steelers RB Le’Veon Bell sat out the entire NFL season, forfeiting a $14.5 million salary: “Most analysts agree the decision will go down as the worst of Bell’s career … unless he signs next year with the Jets.”
• Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, on how Oregon freshman Bol Bol celebrated his double-double against Eastern Washington: “By going to Little Caesar’s for ‘Pizza! Pizza!’ ”
• Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, on why Duke freshman basketball sensation Zion Williamson already has about 2 million Instagram followers: “His high-school and AAU dunking highlights give cat videos a run for their money.”