Don’t ask former NBA coach Jeff Van Gundy to predict the future ... his crystal ball cracked a long time ago when he expressed doubts about a young guard named John Stockton.

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Jeff Van Gundy? Nostradamus he’s not.

The future NBA coach, as a Providence graduate assistant in 1987, predicted Friars star Billy Donovan had a great shot at making the Utah Jazz roster because “they’ve got a guy there that’s in, like, his third year named (John) Stockton that I’m not so sure about. He hasn’t played very much.”

Donovan — now the Oklahoma City Thunder coach — told The Oklahoman that Van Gundy got this return call immediately after Donovan’s first NBA practice: “Hey, Jeff, remember that comment you made about you’re not sure about Stockton? That’s the best guard I’ve ever played against in my entire life.”

Headlines

• At Fark.com: “Police say bomb threat at Wrigley Field was unfounded; it was just Starlin Castro.”

• At SportsPickle.com: “Broken jaw to force Geno Smith to miss 18—30 turnovers.”

Gut-check time

U.S. rowers got stricken with sick stomachs after taking a test run on Rio’s sewage-tainted Olympic Games venue.

“Faster, higher, stronger”? More like “up Rodrigo de Freitas Lake without a paddle.”

College football quiz

The legally challenged Florida State football team had two team photos taken this year because:

a) Coach Jimbo Fisher wanted one with suspended running back Dalvin Cook in the picture and one without.

b) Tallahassee Police requested front and side views.

Barbie, Ken: meet Roger

NFL marketing bonanza just waiting to happen: the Roger Goodell bobble-everything doll.

News flash

Dateline Ann Arbor: Officials finally nabbed that aggressive turkey that had been terrorizing the University of Michigan campus.

(Readers: Insert your own Jim Harbaugh punchline here.)

Letter rip

The Knicks finally signed small forward Thanasis Antetokounmpo, a 2014 draft pick, and one delusional Knicks fan we know is already saying Antetokounmpo is worth 21 points a game.

We’re talking Scrabble, right?

Quote marks

• Ex-Packers tight end Tom Crabtree, via Twitter, after Hall of Famer Cris Carter said Geno Smith’s “lack of leadership” put the Jets QB in position to get punched by a teammate: “Total lack of leadership by Abraham Lincoln to put himself in that position.”

• Swiss rower Katharina Strahl, to AP, on Brazil’s polluted venue: “I don’t think in this lake they’ll be throwing the coxswain into the water.”

• Marlins manager Dan Jennings, to reporters, on his team’s dismal season: “Thank God there’s no Prohibition in baseball.”

Revised Forecast Dept.

Michael Jordan says if basketball hadn’t intervened, he’d probably have been a TV weatherman.

Tropical-Air Jordan, anyone?