There won’t be any stars on LeBron James’ All-Star team at the rate he’s going.
LeBron James: One-man SI cover jinx?
“Three of the players he selected for Team LeBron — DeMarcus Cousins (torn Achilles), John Wall (clean-up knee surgery) and Kevin Love (broken hand) — have gone down with serious injuries and have been replaced for the Feb. 18 (NBA All-Star) game,” pointed out Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot.
And the ink was only dry for four days on that statement when Kristaps Porzingis (torn ACL) got added to the list.
• At TheOnion.com: “2018 Winter Olympics canceled due to inclement weather.”
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• At Fark.com: “Cavs no longer need IT support.”
All for naught
Derek Jeter says the Miami Marlins whose roster he immediately scuttled are starting out in a “deeper hole” than the city’s MLS expansion team.
Coincidence? Oddsmakers are now predicting the Marlins will lose their season opener, 1-nil.
Just wondering …
With Seahawks QB Russell Wilson planning a spring-training workout with the Yankees, who just acquired his baseball rights from the Rangers, think they’ll issue him uniform No. 3?
Hashtag of the Week
On Ayesha Curry’s Instagram announcement that she and husband Steph are expecting their third child: “#curryfor3.”
Bulls center Robin Lopez threw a chair after being ejected from Monday’s game in Sacramento.
On the plus side, the journalism department at alma mater Stanford just got him endowed as a Knight chair.
Just blowing smoke?
Rolling Stone magazine, in a November article titled “The Biggest Stoners in Sports,” listed an all-star lineup of pot smokers.
Which certainly puts a whole new spin on the term “puff piece.”
Obit of the Week
From the Kicking Them While You’re Down file comes this snippet from the obituary of Rob Drew, 86, of Wichita Falls, Texas: “Beloved husband, father and papa drew his last breath Jan. 25, 2018, mainly, we suspect, to prevent himself from having to watch the Patriots and Eagles in the Super Bowl. A loyal Cowboys fan, he died peacefully with his daughter by his side, knowing full well that Dez did, in fact, catch the ball.”
We’re in the money
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan tweeted that a Pennsylvania high-school secretary was pleasantly surprised when her pay went up $1.50 a week.
So what’s his next tweet, that the Super Bowl LII gave us four good quarters?
For those of you getting your chest all puffed out about State U’s latest football-recruiting haul, consider this:
Six starters in Super Bowl LII received zero stars coming out of high school from the recruiting wags, according to SI.com.
Talking the talk
• Times desker Brett Miller, on the Yankees acquiring the baseball rights to the Seahawks’ Russell Wilson: “Imagine how the Jets and Giants feel, knowing that the Yankees have the best QB in New York.”
• Commenter Bill, to Yahoo.com, after QB Jimmy Garoppolo agreed to a record $27.5 million-per-year deal with the 49ers: “Breaking news: He’s going to back out of his contract and return to the Patriots.”
New game in town
A hunter in Maryland was knocked unconscious when a mortally wounded Canada goose — which typically weighs in at 10-15 pounds — fell out of the sky and conked him.
In other words: “Duck, Duck, Goose” … meet “Goose, Goose, Duck!”
• At SportsPickle.com: “Montreal Canadiens request to become NHL expansion team in hopes of becoming as good as Vegas Golden Knights.”
• At TheNutmegNews.com: “Husband of world-champion Julie Ertz wins regional sports trophy.”
• At TheOnion.com: “Eagles fan admits U.S. Bank Stadium has nicest seats he’s puked on.”
What big feet you have
Hastings, Neb., will host the second annual Nebraska Bigfoot Conference on Feb. 16-17, which is not to be confused with all the O-linemen the Cornhuskers just bagged on letter-of-intent day.
Philadelphia put Crisco and hydraulic fluid on downtown light poles to discourage Eagles revelers from trying to climb them.
No such problem in Green Bay, where the poles usually sport a coat of ice come Super Bowl Sunday.
Two thumbs down
“Potato Salad” (2015), “Smolensk” (2016) and “It’s a Fairy!” (2016) have been declared the three worst movies of all time by IMDb.com.
Somehow not making the top-50 list: game film of the Bears’ 73-0 win over Washington in the 1940 NFL title game.
The San Francisco Giants announced plans to retire flaxseed-oil connoisseur Barry Bonds’ No. 25 this coming season.
His was the only jersey you had to wash in cold water just to keep the number from increasing to 26.
Fact of the Week
Super Bowl MVP Nick Foles is the only NFL quarterback produced by the University of Arizona in the past 64 seasons.
Since turning 35, Roger Federer and Tom Brady have combined to win 5 of a possible 10 Grand Slam tennis tournaments or Super Bowls.
In other words, kids, get off their lawns!
• Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, after Commissioner Roger Goodell said the new contract with Fox was the best way for the NFL “to grow the Thursday night package”: “How will they grow that package? Add more commercials? Play five quarters? That ‘package’ sounds like a tumor.”
• RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, after QB Tom Brady butter-fingered a pass reception in the Patriots’ Super Bowl loss: “Note to Gisele Bündchen: Danny Amendola cannot throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time.”
• Greg Frazier of the San Francisco Chronicle, via Facebook, anticipating the civic mayhem after the Eagles won the Super Bowl: “Quick, somebody bubble-wrap the Liberty Bell.”
• Comedy writer Tim Hunter, on his list of Valentine’s Day gifts you should probably resist the urge to purchase: “That card that says, ‘I love you more than Tom Brady.’ ”
• Dan Graziano of ESPN.com, on the “Philly Special,” the fourth-down trick play that catapulted the Eagles to their Super Bowl win: “A play that sounds as if it should come with cheese and … well … onions.”
• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on Tom Brady declaring “Losing sucks” after the Super Bowl: “And in Cleveland they’re stampeding for the violins.”
• Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) World-Herald, on the 2018 Winter Olympics getting under way: “Which is bizarre, because NBC just finished showing the 2014 Winter Olympics on tape delay.”
• Blogger TC Chong, on why striking strippers in New York canceled plans to perform in Philadelphia this past week: “They were told the poles there were coated with Crisco and hydraulic fluid.”
• ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel, on Super Bowl commercials being educational: “For instance, I had no idea Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream to sell light-duty trucks.”