Rays center fielder Kevin Kiermaier threatened to cover his entire body with Vaseline to ward off the frigid opening-week temperatures in New York.

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The spirit of Gaylord Perry lives!

Rays center fielder Kevin Kiermaier threatened to cover his entire body with Vaseline to ward off the frigid opening-week temperatures in New York.

Too bad he didn’t follow through: Braking his slide into second might have proved interesting.


• At TheOnion.com: “MLB season ends over 200 days early after new rules speed up games way too much.”

• At SportsPickle.com: “Augusta National installs artificial turf to save on mowing costs.”

Burfict Storm Dept.

Bengals linebacker Vontaze Burfict will serve his third straight season-opening NFL suspension, with 3-, 4- and 5-game bans to his credit.

On the bright side, though, he’s just a 2 or a 6 from filling a small straight in Yahtzee.

Just wondering

• If Kansas’ basketball coach takes a photo of himself, is that a Selfie squared?

• Does Boise State’s beach-volleyball court feature blue sand?

Hey, bidder, bidder

This year’s Canadian Livestock Auctioneering Championships take place May 11 in Whitewood, Saskatchewan.

Sorry, no instant replay to overturn bad calls in this competition.

Unsafe at home

Canadian researchers say the odds of being hospitalized with a cardiac episode go up 40 percent for male hockey fans under age 55 the day after the home team wins.

The Sabres — 11-24-5 at home this season — immediately laid claim to the Heart Trophy.

Get a whiff of this

Bonus distance event to commemorate future Yankee home openers: the Giancarlo Stanton 5-K Run.

Sports quiz

Pac-12 fans say the conference’s 1-8 record in bowl games and 0-3 mark in the NCAA men’s basketball tournament are mostly due to:

a) A small sample size

b) A random dip in talent

c) East Coast bias

Tweet of the Week

From ex-Times sports writer Bud Withers: “Uh, barkeep, I’ll have whatever Ogunbowale’s having.”

Two ouch, so what?

The snakebit Mariners lost two more starters to injury — catcher Mike Zunino (strained oblique taking BP) and DH Nelson Cruz (twisted ankle from slipping on dugout stairs) — before the season was even two games old.

So, forget bobbleheads — when’s Seattle hosting its first Bubble-Wrap Doll Night?

Game misconduct

Nashville Predators fan Briley Meeks, angry over a controversial call, mailed two catfish to NHL headquarters in Toronto last week.

Inquiring puck minds are dying to know: So how’d he land the fish — hooking or spearing?

Talking the talk

• Darcy Smith, as quoted in Salt Lake City’s Deseret News, after her husband Craig asked her if — in her wildest dreams — she thought he’d be the new Utah State basketball coach: “Baby, you’re not even in my wildest dreams.”

• Jim Barach of WCHS-TV in Charleston, W.Va., after a 13-year-old boy in Los Angeles was found alive 12 hours after falling into a sewer: “Apparently he just wanted to go see a game at Dodger Stadium.”

Quiet, please

Security staff at Augusta National was reportedly provided a sheet of prohibited sayings for this year’s Masters that will get patrons ejected for yelling them.

Except in the case of “dilly dilly,” which gets one banished to the bunker of misery.

March Madness leftovers

• ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel, on all the TVs being off at work because the NCAA tournament is over: “Nobody knew what to do. Someone said maybe we should work, and then everyone laughed and started checking Instagram again.”

• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on Philadelphia once again greasing utility poles in anticipation of a title celebration: “I’m so old I remember when the biggest sports hooligans were European soccer fans.”

• Blogger Chad Picasner, after top Syracuse recruit Darius Bazley spurned his Orange letter of intent for the NBA’s Development League: “Becoming the first-ever none-and-done.”

• Comedian Argus Hamilton, on his March Madness bracket: “I have the IRS taking it all.”

Quote marks

• Bruce Penton of the Medicine Hat (Alberta) News, on Columbus Blue Jackets reject William Karlson going from 18 goals in his previous 183 NHL games to 43 in 80 games this season for surprising Las Vegas: “Proof that not even the most astute hockey minds can play Kreskin.”

• Eric Chesterton of MLB.com, after LeBron James wore Ken Griffey Jr.-inspired sneakers to commemorate the 29th anniversary of Griffey’s Seattle debut: “If we’re reading the tea leaves correctly, this means that James will probably sign his next free-agent contract with the Seattle SuperSonics.”

• Jessamyn McItyre of 710 ESPN Seattle, via Facebook, on free-spending L.A. adding Ndamukong Suh, Marcus Peters, Aqib Talib and Brandin Cooks this offseason: “The Rams are me in college when I got my first credit card and had no idea what 25 percent APR meant.”

• Steve Rosenbloom of the Chicago Tribune, on new Bears coach Matt Nagy saying players are “going to understand why it’s so important for them to put on the Bears uniform”: “And I’m thinking, because the Bears are paying them to.”

• Cardinals strength and conditioning coach Buddy Morris, to The Arizona Republic, on the NFL team’s first day of offseason workouts: “I saw some great things. I saw some things that make me want to go home and drink heavily.”

• TBS’ Conan O’Brien, on YouTube planning a “Karate Kid” sequel series 34 years after the original movie: “The show is entitled ‘Ralph Macchio’s Mortgage Is Due.’ ”

• Tom Verducci of SI.com, on the odds of the Mets’ starting pitchers staying healthy: “Like expecting Lucy to keep the ball on the ground, laces away, for Charlie.”

• RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, after USA Today quoted a Behr paint expert saying that tennis balls are neither green nor yellow: “Which tells us it was a really slow day in sports.”

• Comedy writer Brad Dickson, on talk of a Floyd Mayweather-Connor McGregor rematch. “I haven’t been this excited since ‘Rocky V’.”