Batter … urp!

White Sox fans consume the most beers among their MLB counterparts — 4.2 per nine innings, at a cost of $46 — according to the results of a NJOnlineGambling.com survey of 2,631 fans, with Braves fans (4.0) coming in second.

Phillies fans consume the fewest (2.4), further proof it’s tough to swig a beer and utter an insult at the same time.

Closer to home, in the lightweight division, fans of the five AL West teams — led by the Mariners (2.9) and Rangers (2.9) — all finished in the bottom 10.

Headlines

• At Fark.com: “Ranking the top 25 available NFL free agents on the 2021 market. Your team will overpay for someone worse.”

• At TheOnion.com: “Duke basketball attempts to lure Bronny James by offering to help family with rent, utilities.”

Chasing .300

From the Sometimes These Items Just Write Themselves file comes word that former big-league outfielder Johnny Damon — charged with DUI in Windermere, Fla. — hit between .294 and .300 on his blood alcohol test.

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Numb and number

This crazy trend with analytics and sports competitions shows no signs of letting up.

Belly-floppers’ launch angles, anyone? Competitive eaters’ exit velocity?

MLB, meet MLS

The Mariners produced four straight ties in spring-training games March 3-6 — 8-8 against the Cubs, 9-9 against the Rockies, 2-2 against the White Sox and 1-1 against the A’s.

And just in case baseball’s rulesmakers go getting any more bright ideas, M’s players are suddenly practicing penalty kicks.

Bracket busting

Virginia joined Duke on the sideline at the ACC basketball tournament after a positive COVID-19 test, and Kansas is similarly out of the Big 12 tourney.

So can we just end the suspense early and proclaim the virus as this year’s national champion?

No putting it off

Last week was National Procrastination Week.

Except for the Timberwolves, who apparently couldn’t wait to finally win a game.

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Point taken

LeBron James, when asked if he planned to get a COVID-19 vaccination, said he’d “pretty much keep that to a private thing.”

In other words, don’t even think about questioning his shot selection.

Driving the lanes

The Indiana Department of Transportation is posting “Hoosier Hoops Highway” signs across the state ahead of the Big Ten, NCAA and other basketball tournaments being hosted in five Indiana cities.

Needless to say, transportation officials anticipate a lot of traveling.

Deep-Sixered

The 76ers’ Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons were ruled ineligible for last Sunday’s NBA All-Star Game at the last minute because their personal barber tested positive for COVID-19.

That’s certainly a cruel way to get cut from the roster.

Talking the talk

• Tom Garvey, in his book “The Secret Apartment: Vet Stadium,” on secretly refurbishing and living in an empty Veterans Stadium concession stand from 1979-81: “An off-the-wall South Philly version of ‘The Phantom of the Opera’ … I was like a kid with a Willy Wonka golden ticket.”

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• Gary Bachman, via Facebook, on Russian bodybuilder Kirill “Popeye” Tereshin facing a bunch of surgical repairs after injecting his arms with petroleum jelly to make his muscles bulge: “Wouldn’t it have been much safer just to eat lots of spinach?”

• Blogger Patti Dawn Swansson, on the remarkably intact, first-century chariot unearthed in Italy: “Although they don’t know what to make of the Tom Brady rookie card stuck in the spokes.”

Lax in Texas

Gov. Greg Abbott has lifted all COVID-19 restrictions in the Lone Star State, meaning the Texas Rangers’ home opener might be a sellout.

The rules there are now so lenient that even catcher’s masks aren’t mandatory.

Quote marks

• Mike Hart of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, on the Russell Wilson-to-Chicago rumblings: “Bears general manager Ryan Pace, who traded up to grab Mitch Trubisky, would have to make the deal. He’s not exactly the Al Einstein of the NFL. What’s going to be the package? Khalil Mack, draft picks, Wrigley Field, theHancock Center and a traffic jam to be named later?”

• Curtis Rogers of Seattle’s 710 ESPN Radio, via Twitter, with a shout-out to Oprah Winfrey’s interview skills: “The only people who could get more out of Harry and Meghan are the Bellevue Rotary Club.”

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• RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on the NJOnlineGambling.com report revealing that Blue Jays patrons lead their MLB counterparts in starting to drink before the opening pitch: “Another joke that just wrote itself.”

Transaction wire

And, in news about free agents, the Blue Jays signed George Springer, the Phillies signed J.T. Realmuto and the Royals slammed the door on Prince Harry’s possible return.

Quote, end quote

• Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, with a chilling thought: “I have a feeling Little League parents video their kids’ at-bats, then huddle with Little Slugger between innings to correct his/her launch angle.”

• Comedy writer Brad Dickson, with a sure sign we’ve been in lockdown too long: “Breaking: Apparently after watching too many sporting events, the Nebraska governor is about to announce that businesses can reopen ‘at 110% capacity.’ ”

• Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, on top-seeded basketball teams having to avoid COVID-19 as well as upsets in this year’s NCAA tournament: “It gives new meaning to ‘survive and advance.’ ”