Hey, ratter, ratter!

An Orioles fan nabbed a massive rat in the stands and dangled it by the tail until an usher brought a box to cart it away it in.

Somebody must have been throwing a lot of high cheese.

Headline

• At TheOnion.com: “Irate Astros fan can’t believe gun sales cut off after seventh inning.”

• From @NFL_Memes, via Twitter: “Mitch Trubisky got married … Doubt there was a reception.”

Bad pipe dream

A pipe burst during the Washington Football Team’s home opener, spewing raw sewage into the stands.

Where’s one of Nixon’s D.C. plumbers when you really need one?

A win for STEM

Truth-in-advertising advocates were ecstatic when the Big 12 added four schools to replace departing Texas and Oklahoma — finally giving it 12 teams for the first time since 2010.

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“You can do that?” asked the 14-team Big Ten.

Drum, and dumber

Purdue’s band was without “The World’s Largest Drum” — nearly 10 feet high and weighing 565 pounds — for Saturday’s game at Notre Dame because it wouldn’t fit through the visiting tunnel.

Apparently Irish officials didn’t want to wake up the echoes that badly.

Taking one for the team

More than 6,000 Raiders fans received their first COVID vaccinations Monday night at a pop-up tent at Allegiant Stadium so they could attend the team’s season opener.

Some expressed disappointment, though, that the jab didn’t leave a black hole.

No comment

Prince Philip’s will will be sealed for at least 90 years to protect the “dignity” of Queen Elizabeth II and the royal family, a London judge has ruled.

“Can we do that with our 2021 season?” asked the Baltimore Orioles.

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Senior? No kidding

J.R. Smith — who jumped straight to the NBA out of high school — has enrolled at North Carolina A&T and has joined the golf team at age 35.

Might be time for a college senior tour.

Westward, ho

NFC West teams and AFC West teams all started the 2021 season 1-0.

Somewhere, Horace Greeley is smiling.

Tampa with success

Tom Brady goes to Tampa and wins the Super Bowl at 43.

Nelson Cruz goes to Tampa and becomes the oldest to hit 30 home runs in a season at 41.

Ponce de León, I think we’ve finally found your Fountain of Youth.

Talking the talk

• Dave Fabrizi, via Twitter, after the Yankees hit a series of long-fly ball outs against the White Sox: “In the fifth inning tonight, the grounds crew will drag the infield AND the warning track.”

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• Nick Canepa of The San Diego Union-Tribune, on fans concerned that Fernando Tatis isn’t smiling amid the team’s late-season swoon: “Did you smile at the end of ‘Old Yeller’?”

Two out

MLB Network broadcasters John Smoltz and Al Leiter, who haven’t been vaccinated, are not allowed inside the network studios.

Or, as Bob Uecker might say, they’ll be … just a bit outside.

Talking the talk

• Raiders coach Jon Gruden, on his team’s improbable OT win over the Ravens on Monday night: “I felt like I died and woke up. And died again. And I was like a cat — I had multiple lives tonight. I don’t like playing like that.”

• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com: “Nothing is certain but death, taxes, and the fact that a pass-interference call will never go against Tom Brady in the last two minutes of an NFL game.”

• Ryan O’Halloran of The Denver Post, via Twitter, after the Jaguars refused to make coach Urban Meyer available to Denver media before the Broncos game: “Wonder if that’s when he’ll be visiting with USC!! #kiddingbutonlyalittle.”

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• Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, on that flip chart the 49ers’ quarterbacks wear on their left wrist: “It looks like they’re getting ready to order off the TGI Fridays menu.”

• Comedy writer (and former decathlete) Alex Kaseberg, after Caitlyn Jenner finished 13th in the California recall election: “If Jenner had done that badly in the Olympic Decathlon, she would still be running the last event, the 1,500 meters.”

Stat of the Week

According to Peter King of NBC Sports, 21 of the 32 NFL teams play in stadiums that cost less to build than the 410-foot, $500 million yacht that Jeff Bezos is having built.

Quote marks

• Patti Dawn Swansson, via Twitter, on baseball ending a 70-year agreement with Topps to produce officially licensed trading cards, effective in 2026: “Apparently the deal-breaker for MLB was the better durability of the Fanatics cards — they’ll last 2-5 days longer in a kid’s bicycle spokes.”

• Brad Dickson, via Twitter, after a 12-year-old New Jersey boy was named a chess grand master: “When I was 12 I was trying to figure out how to get my new checkers board out of the box it came in.”

• RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on why NASCAR’s Danica Patrick was chosen to co-host the American Country Awards: “Her marriage broke up, she’s got a dog, drives a Chevy and all her chases end in heartache.”

• Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com, on Sha’Carri Richardson said her competitors are “not done seeing me yet” after the banned Olympian finished ninth in the 100 meters at the Prefontaine Classic: “Well, all I can say is that by finishing last in (the) race, Sha’Carri Richardson was able to see all of them.”