Hey, if Clint Eastwood can talk to an empty chair, why not this?

Philadelphia’s WTXF-TV “interviewed” T.C., the Astros’ dugout trash can, as part of its coverage of MLB’s sign-stealing scandal.

“I was beat over and over and over,” T.C. revealed to the “Good Morning Philadelphia” show. “It took me two years to get all the dents out. It’s the worst job in sports.”

Headlines

• At Fark.com: “Quoth the Titans: ‘Nevermore.’ ”

• In the Houston Chronicle: “Caught stealing.”

Batting .667

LSU quarterback Joe Burrow won the Heisman Trophy and the national championship and now is poised to be drafted No. 1 by the Cincinnati Bengals.

You know what they say: Two out of three ain’t bad.

NFL quiz

The underdog Texans jumped to that short-lived 24-0 lead at Kansas City last Sunday as a result of:

a) Chiefs blunders — dropped passes, blown coverage, blocked and fumbled punts

b) someone on the Houston sideline banging a garbage can every time K.C. called a pass play

Muhammad Ali approves

The Titans upset the Ravens in the AFC playoffs despite Baltimore owning huge advantages in first downs (29-15), total yards (530-300) and offensive plays (92-53).

Rope-a-dope lives!

Taking a powder

The big-play Chiefs reeled off so many touchdowns — seven, en route to 51 points in their playoff win against the Texans — that the stadium pyrotechnics crew ran out of celebratory fireworks.

So much for K.C. leading the NFL in explosives.

No assist for him

Teammates chastised 76ers rookie Matisse Thybulle for messing up a fast-food order before a flight to Dallas and getting only six biscuits for 20 people.

At least he didn’t come back with a bunch of turnovers.

Writing a wrong

The NBA fined Pistons guard Derrick Rose for throwing a pen into the stands.

Adding further insult, the league made him use the same pen to write the $25,000 check.

Penalty on the play

New Orleans police issued an arrest warrant for Odell Beckham Jr. after the Browns receiver slapped the butt of a Superdome security guard following LSU’s championship-game win.

Though he hopes to get the simple-battery charge reduced to illegal use of hands.

Patriot games

New England receiver Julian Edelman jumped on the hood of a car in Beverly Hills, Calif., apparently damaging it and earning himself a police citation for vandalism.

Or as Patriots apologists tried to spin it, he got flagged for piling on.

Talking the talk

• Mike Dubs of Minneapolis’ KMNB Radio, via Twitter, on why he feels bad for kids nowadays: “They just get to see if school is closed on the internet. They’ll never have the excitement of waiting to see your school scroll across the bottom of the TV screen like it’s the NFL draft.”

• Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, after Tusk IV, the Arkansas Razorbacks’ former live mascot, died at age 10: “The autopsy report came back as ‘delicious.’ ”

La. shakedown

A police officer walked into LSU’s locker room at the Superdome after the Tigers’ national-title victory over Clemson and warned players smoking celebratory cigars that they’d be subject to arrest, AL.com reported.

Good luck finding a jury in Louisiana that’d convict them for that.

Quote, end quote

• Syndicated columnist Norman Chad, via Twitter, noting that the Eagles’ four-game win streak to win the NFC East all came at the expense of divisional opponents: “That’s like winning a 100-yard dash against a snail, a caterpillar and a fire hydrant.”

• Torben Rolfsen of Vancouver, B.C.’s CKST Radio, with a sure sign your favorite NFL team is tanking: “When your ‘D’ gives up a touchdown and gets flagged for an excessive-celebration penalty.”

• Mike Bianchi of the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel, on Cowboys owner Jerry Jones saying he hired Mike McCarthy as his new coach because “I heard bells” while interviewing him: “Um, Jerry, you might want to check the battery in your office smoke detector.”

• Marc Ragovin, via Facebook, with an East Coast weather update: “I’m not saying it was summerlike this weekend, but the Orioles were just eliminated from contention.”

• Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com, on new Mississippi State hire Mike Leach: “To say that Mike Leach is ‘different’ from your average football coach would be like saying mustard is ‘different’ from your typical milkshake flavors.”

Quick burner

An “Ivan B @BIvan15” account suddenly popped up and immediately began issuing defenses of Carlos Beltran, the rookie Mets manager fired amid the fallout from MLB’s sign-stealing scandal.

Seeing as Ivan is Beltran’s middle name, 15 is the last number he wore as an Astro and it’s linked to a Carlos Beltran Hotmail account, insiders suspect it’s a pinch-Twitter.

Tweet of the Week

From @Tierno158:

• Me: “2 playoff tickets, please.”

• Patriots ticket office: “The Patriots are out of the playoffs.”

2 minutes later:

• Me: “2 playoff tickets, please.”

• Patriots ticket office: “The Patriots are out of the playoffs.”

2 minutes later:

• Patriots ticket office: “Stop calling!”

• Me: “Sorry, I like hearing it.”

Quote marks

• Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, on Mike McCarthy hiring Mike Nolan and Jim Tomsula, whom he worked with in San Francisco, to his new Cowboys coaching staff: “Next hire: Joan in payroll.”

• Mike Hart of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, on the AFC Championship matching QBs Patrick Mahomes and Ryan Tannehill: “The biggest mismatch since someone gave Rosanne Barr a microphone and told her to sing the national anthem.”

• Nick Rolovich, to reporters, on succeeding Mike Leach as Washington State football coach: “The Pirate left his treasure here in Pullman — and X marks the spot here at Martin Stadium.”

• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, via Twitter: “This just in: The Houston Astros have officially become the baseball subsidiary of the New England Patriots.”