Attention, MLB rookies: You can cancel that offseason McDonald’s job application you’ve been filling out.

Baseball’s minimum wage increases to $563,500 next year.

Headlines

• At TheOnion.com: “Bengals assure injury-prone Tua Tagovailoa he can have any of Andy Dalton’s organs.”

• At Fark.com, on the death of snowboard visionary Jake Burton Carpenter at 65: “RIP (Rest In Powder).”

Paging Rod Smart

Ex-Houston pitcher Mike Fiers — now with the A’s — spilled the beans on the Astros’ alleged cheating scheme.

Good thing there’s a designated-hitter rule, or the name plate on the back of Fiers’ jersey might be “He Hit Me.”

Little Man on Campus

A 9-year-old Belgian boy is set to graduate from Eindhoven’s University of Technology.

It would’ve been 8, but he redshirted his freshman year.

See No Evil Dept.

Whoever said “Justice is blind” obviously had the NFL’s new pass-interference review system in mind.

Tell to it the back judge

Seahawks linebacker Mychal Kendricks’ sentencing for insider trading has been postponed for a fifth time.

Well, that’s one way to lead the NFL in delay-of-game calls.

Black-flagged

Boy king Tutankhamun, 19, died more than 3,000 years ago from infection that set in after he broke his leg in a chariot crash, claimed Dr. Zahi Hawass, a leading Egyptian archaeologist.

Adding further insult, his chariot’s suspension failed the postrace chassis inspection.

Missed it by that much

In the latest MLB cheating update, now there’s reports that Houston players wore realistic-looking electronic bandages that buzzed in real time to relay signs stolen from the opposing catcher.

Astros GM Maxwell Smart declined comment.

Talking the talk

• High-ranked Chargers executive, to ESPN, on the team’s ill-fated move north: “We were the most successful 7-Eleven in San Diego. Now we’re just another Whole Foods in L.A.”

• Tim Hunter of KRKO Radio, after BestPlaces.net’s latest Gloomiest Place to Live in America ratings listed Seattle No. 1: “Obviously, they surveyed a lot of Mariners fans.”

Bank shot

Porn star Teanna Trump tweeted on the Oklahoma City Thunder’s official account: “Your player needs to PAY ME what he owes me.”

Or as Thunder apologists tried to spin it, a charging foul.

Navel blockade

Pinellas (Fla.) County police nabbed a 5-foot-9, 380-pound man with meth stashed in his navel.

Or as that locale is known in hockey circles, the six-hole.

Quote marks

• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, after a hunter In Michigan mistook his brother for a deer and wounded him: “This could make for an awkward Thanksgiving: ‘Hey, brother, pass the venison. Oh, right, we don’t have venison because you didn’t shoot the deer, you shot me.’ ”

• Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, after $500,000 in counterfeit championship rings were confiscated in Philadelphia: “Suspicions were raised when inspectors saw three of them were for the Super Bowl champion Browns.”

• Ben Frederickson of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch: “Baseball, you have a Houston problem.”

Going for the old

Tom Brady’s trainer, Alex Guerrero, says the Patriots QB wants to play until he’s 46 or 47.

In Brady’s honor, the NFL plans to henceforth refer to any prime-time games he plays in as “Early Bird Specials.”

Tweet of the Week

From @SportsPickle: “Rob the Builder

“Can he fix baseball?

“Rob the Builder

“No, he can’t.”

Another super comeback

Baylor blew a 28-3 lead in losing to Oklahoma.

As if that wasn’t bad enough for the Bears, the Atlanta Falcons immediately sued them for trademark infringement.

Quote, end quote

• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, after QB Tom Brady said he is “frustrated” with the Patriots’ offense: “Fans of 29 other teams: ‘Thoughts and prayers.’ ”

• Baseball writer Keith Law, via Twitter, when asked to complete the sentence “Marijuana is a gateway drug to …”: “Analytics.”

• Syndicated columnist Norman Chad: “The day synchronized swimming incorporates replay challenges, I’ll know it’s all but over.”