Remakes of classic baseball movies, based on Astros-cheating allegations:

• Cameras In The Outfield

• 2017*

• Phoneyball

• Bang The Can Slowly

Headlines

• Spotted on a fan’s sign in the stands when the Raiders hosted the Chargers: “I missed my court date to see this game!”

• At TheOnion.com: ‘Sacramento pledges to power arena with 100% windmill dunk energy by 2030.”

Big loss on the play

Officials penalized the wrong team — Washington State — on a 50-yard kickoff return, starting the Cougars at their own 8-yard line instead of the Cal 35, a 57-yard gaffe.

Or, to put it in Golden Bears perspective, still 8 yards less than Wrong-Way Riegels.

Pass the cupcakes

Utah broke the NCAA record for largest winning margin in a D-I men’s basketball game when the Utes clobbered Mississippi Valley State, 143-49.

What, the Washington Generals weren’t available?

A game of inches

Giants RB Saquon Barkley rushed for a career-worst 1 yard on 13 carries in a loss to the Jets.

To put that in perspective, that’s 2.9 per attempt — inches, not yards.

Or … at that rate, just 117 more carries and he’d have a first down!

A billion-to-one, but …

QB Sam Darnold of the 2-7 Jets says “We’ve still got a chance” to make the playoffs.

Even Lloyd Christmas is saying, “Give it a rest, Sam.”

Penalty on the play

A 37-year-old Santa Clara man has been charged with felony vandalism for allegedly pulling the face mask off a Joe Montana statue outside Levi’s Stadium.

Hardcore 49er fans are pushing for the maximum — jail time, a hefty fine and 15 yards for grabbing the face mask.

Suspected of Lion

The NFL is investigating the Lions’ injury report for:

a) listing QB Matthew Stafford all week as questionable, then ruling him out on game day

b) still listing Barry Sanders and Calvin Johnson as “doubtful”

Pass the popcorn

The Bills stuffed Cleveland on eight straight goal-line plays — seven from the 1-yard line and one from the 2 — when they played Nov. 9.

Instead of reviewing game films last week, Browns players got to watch “The Longest Yard.”

Hold that line

The Raiders are double-digit favorites over Cincinnati in Week 11.

Which sounds impressive until you realize even Bye got minus-7½ against the Bengals.

From fore to zero

Here’s a story the average duffer can relate to.

Eddie Pepperell got DQ’d from the Turkish Airlines Open on Saturday after the Brit ran out of balls on the fourth hole after plunking them all into the water.

Sharing the wealth

The LSU athletic department has subsidized the school’s general fund to the tune of about $70 million the past seven years to make up for drastic legislative funding cuts, according to the Greater Baton Rouge Business Report.

Well, that’s one way to get a school that the football team can be proud of.

Talking the talk

• Washington State football coach Mike Leach, to reporters, when asked if he’d ever had officials own up to a mistake — like the one that cost his team 57 yards in field position against Cal — during a game: “Hmm. I’m trying to think of the least-expensive way to answer that question.”

• Rockets guard Austin Rivers, via Twitter, after urging the refs to give his father — Clippers coach Doc Rivers — a technical foul in their Nov. 13 game and getting his wish, resulting in dad’s ejection: “Welp…. Thanksgiving is going to be weird….”

• Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, on allegations the Astros used a center-field camera to steal opponents’ signs: “Not only that, one of the players is now being accused of trying to deflate the baseballs.”

To suer with glove

And from the Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction file comes word that O.J. Simpson is suing the Cosmopolitan Casino in Las Vegas for … defamation.

When it comes to beschmirching O.J.’s character, shouldn’t he be suing … himself?

Soccer to him

Among the telltale signs the person standing next you at the MLS title parade in Seattle was a bandwagon Sounders fan, from KRKO Radio’s Tim Hunter:

• “He threw confetti, but not with both feet on the ground and using an overhead motion.

• “He kept asking which one is Richard Sherman.”

Quote marks

• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on what the 1972 Dolphins would have done if the unbeaten 49ers had finished in a tie with the Seahawks on Monday night: “Popped Champagne and kissed their sisters?”

• Joe Bryant of FootballGuys.com, on the vagaries of the NFL: “Davante Adams returned and the Packers lost. Alvin Kamara returned and the Saints lost. Patrick Mahomes II returned and the Chiefs lost. Yeah, just like I figured …”

• Comedy writer Brad Dickson, via Twitter, on Rutgers’ 6-4 win over Princeton in the first college football game ever played — 150 years ago: ”That was also the same day the Rutgers football program peaked.”

Some punishment

Ohio State defensive star Chase Young had to sit out the Buckeyes’ games against Maryland (73-14 win) and Rutgers (0-6 in Big Ten play by an average score of 41-4) because of an improper loan but will get to (wink, wink) return to play in the season-ending showdowns against powerhouses Penn State and Michigan.

So who argued Young’s case before the NCAA, Br’er Rabbit?

Quote, end quote

• @SportsPickle, on the Astros being accused of using a camera and dugout trash cans to cheat: “When I was a kid, they simply shot their bodies full of the finest Bulgarian cattle steroids.”

• Washington State offensive-line coach Mason Miller, to the Spokane Spokesman-Review, on left tackle Liam Ryan’s 15 penalties this season: “At the end of the day this isn’t brain surgery — don’t jump.”

• Comedian Argus Hamilton, via Twitter, on Thursday Night Football: “I turned on the Browns-Steelers game last night and an impeachment hearing broke out.”

Whoa, Tide

No quality wins, a cupcake nonconference schedule and getting lit up for 46 points at home by the only ranked team it’s played.

Who ever thought we’d be discussing the football-playoff credentials in these terms for … Alabama?