Jon and Jay Gruden sure use up a lot of napkins at Hooters when they talk football.

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Think the Gruden brothers might like talking a little football?

“Oh, yeah, we go all night,” Washington coach Jay Gruden told ESPN of sit-downs with his brother Jon, the Raiders coach. “The napkins are flowing. We go to Hooters, have some wings and borrow about 14,000 napkins and draw on them. … In the Gruden household, there’s really nothing else we can talk about. We don’t know anything else.

“It’s kind of sad, but it’s fun.”

Headlines

• At Fark.com: “Instead of fighting for a playoff spot, the Seattle Mariners decide to fight in the clubhouse.”

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• At TheOnion.com: “Shohei Ohtani regrets not researching which teams were good before signing with Angels.”

It’s a wash

The Washington Nationals have been 4-4, 5-5, 6-6, 9-9, 10-10, 16-16, 17-17, 42-42, 43-43, 45-45, 46-46, 47-47, 48-48, 49-49, 51-51, 52-52, 53-53, 60-60, 61-61, 62-62, 63-63, 64-64, 66-66, 67-67, 68-69 and 69-69 this season.

In a related story, the Nats have just been named the official baseball team of the Indianapolis 500.

Bank shot

And the winner of this year’s Tex Cobb Trophy is …

Oregon State, which got paid $1.7 million to visit Ohio State for its football opener and take a 77-31 pummeling.

Baseball quiz

Athletics pitcher Shawn Kelley sliced his right thumb on a “very sharp knife” while:

a) washing dishes

b) trying to perfect his cut fastball

Hold that Tiger

Tigers analyst Rod Allen allegedly assaulted play-by-play broadcaster Mario Impemba, grabbing him from behind, but Allen’s agent says it didn’t happen.

Flummoxed Elias Sports Bureau types can’t decide whether to credit Allen with a blown hold or a no-hitter.

Going, going … gone, gone, gone

The Rockies beat the Giants 5-3 on Wednesday behind a trio of solo homers by shortstop Trevor Story, one estimated at 505 feet.

Or as the feat is now known in Denver, a three-Story job.

Snooze alert

Wisconsin’s football program has installed napping pods for players in the locker room, ESPN reported.

Kansas, not to be outdone, immediately scheduled book-and-blankie days.

Paging Mr. Magoo

Baltimore motorists are the worst in the nation, according to a new study.

No wonder the Orioles barely cracked the top 25 when it comes to runs driven in.

Talking the talk

• Lee Corso, to Florida State boosters in 2014, on FSU football teammate/actor Burt Reynolds, who died Thursday at age 82: “I was famous for one thing at Florida State: I was Burt Reynolds’ roommate. … With his looks and my car, we’d kill ‘em in Tallahassee.”

• Comedian Argus Hamilton, on the beauty of September: “That month when Americans can forget politics and go back to hating each other over the football teams we support.”

How do you smell relief?

Mariners relief pitchers have posted a 5.19 ERA in seventh innings this season.

Or as it’s otherwise known in these parts, the seventh-inning stench.

His bat’s just fine

Angels phenom Shohei Ohtani slammed two home runs just hours after doctors recommended he undergo Tommy John surgery on his pitching elbow.

No need for Barry Bonds surgery, though.

The Eagle has branded

Patriots fans were incensed upon discovering that some Dunkin’ Donuts outlets in Massachusetts were serving drinks in cups featuring a huge Eagles logo and the words “World Champions” on them.

Which makes one wonder: What are the odds of buying a set of Eagle tires in New England that are fully inflated?

On thin ice

The head of Montreal-based Quebecor Inc. blamed the Canadiens’ failure to make the Stanley Cup playoffs for a damaging drop in the communications giant’s second-quarter ad revenues.

In other words, the bottom line went from Habs into Hab-nots.

Here and there

The biennial World Nomad Games, featuring more than 40 sports played by Turkic nomadic peoples over the centuries, took place last week in Issyk-Kul, Kyrgyzstan.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the place when Willie Nelson kicked off the opening ceremony with the Games’ official song, “On The Road Again.”

Quote marks

• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, after Philadelphia fans booed their Eagles — coming off a Super Bowl title — for trailing the Falcons at halftime in their season opener: “That is the harshest crowd reaction since Marie Antoinette recommended a bakery.”

• NBC’s Seth Meyers, on Colin Kaepernick protesters burning their Nike shoes: “Unfortunately, he’s also been named the face of Yankee Candle, and now they don’t know what to do.”

• Comedy writer Brad Dickson, via Twitter, on the Colin Kaepernick ad campaign: “Glad that Nike finally found a spokesperson who’s non-polarizing. Second and third choices were Julian Assange and Kim Jong Un.”

• Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, after a study claimed the best sport to play for longevity is tennis: “To which millions of disappointed people were saying, ‘Great. Why couldn’t John McEnroe have tried bowling instead?’ ”

• ESPN’s Tim Kurkjian, via Twitter, noting a quirk in the Aug. 31 Cubs-Phillies game: “A Quinn faced a Quintana, the catchers were named Willson and Wilson, and the pitchers of record were Neshek and Cishek.”

• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on Packers QB Aaron Rodgers’ $134 million contract extension: “In related news expect Green Bay to announce beer and brats can now be paid for with an interest-free loan.”

• B.C. comic Torben Rolfsen, on the Padres’ Wil Meyers ripping manager Andy Green during a Fortnite stream: “Meyers was last seen inside a virtual doghouse in Minecraft.”

• Gary Bachman, via Facebook, after New England Patriots released DB A.J. Moore: “Just like the Patriots to cut corners.”

• Comedy writer Tim Hunter, on why he burned his athletic shoes: “Oh, they weren’t Nikes. It was just my way out of getting out of going to the gym.”

• RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, after Roger Federer had 77 unforced errors in a 3½-hour loss to John Millman in the U.S. Open — or one mistake every three minutes. “Roughly what I averaged in my first marriage.”