A satirical look back at some of the quirkiest, most eyebrow-raising things that happened in the sports world this week.
Seven Wonders of the World? Looks like it’s now up to 10.
“There’s a few things I don’t understand in life,” Ohio State basketball coach Chris Holtmann told reporters, wrapping up a postgame interview. “I don’t understand why airlines overbook their flights when they know how many seats they have. … I don’t understand how ‘Rocky III’ never got an Academy Award nomination. It’s a heck of a movie. …
“And I can’t for the life of me understand how we are No. 6 in the final College Football Playoff ranking. I don’t get it. I’m out.”
• At TheOnion.com: “Should the NFL prohibit players from appearing in hotel security footage?”
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• From comedy writer Tim Hunter: “M’s accidentally trade Mariner Moose.”
Take a hike
The NFL suspended 49ers long snapper Kyle Nelson 10 games after he tested positive for PEDs.
His teammates, undeterred, are vowing to Win One For The Snapper.
No sweat in Baltimore
The World Meteorological Organization says 2018 could be the fourth-hottest year in recorded history.
“Didn’t seem all that hot to me,” muttered a fan in an Orioles jersey.
And the ref is history
Ed Hochuli, the ex-NFL referee renowned for his muscles and oratory prowess, now has his own talking bobblehead, courtesy of the National Bobblehead Hall of Fame in Milwaukee.
The likeness is so real, experts say, that no matter how much you make the doll’s head and arm bobble the biceps refuses to budge.
After seeing what happened to Alex Smith and Colt McCoy, it’s a good bet that Mark Sanchez’s Washington teammates didn’t wish him good luck by saying, “Break a …”
Nah, too easy.
The U.S. Postal Service, in honor of former President George H.W. Bush’s funeral, suspended regular mail deliveries Wednesday.
The Pistons apparently forgot and mailed it in anyway, getting outscored in every quarter in a 115-92 loss to the Bucks.
Not so fast, Tom
It only took 19 NFL seasons, but Patriots QB Tom Brady finally reached 1,000 career rushing yards.
That pencils out to an average of 3.8 yards per … game.
Saving a few steps
Traffic cameras caught almost 250 runners cheating in a half-marathon in Shenzhen, China, filming them cutting through bushes to snip a couple kilometers off the distance.
In other words, they made a run for the shorter.
Heard in passing
Clippers guard Patrick Beverley got ejected and fined $25,000 for throwing a bounce pass at a courtside fan who heckled him in Dallas.
Flummoxed statisticians were hopelessly torn: assist or turnover?
Talking the talk
• ESPN motormouth Bill Walton, as quoted in the Pocono (Pa.) Record, on overcoming a speech impediment in his younger days: “English was my fifth language after stammering, stumbling, stuttering and spitting.”
• B.C. comic Torben Rolfsen, on the NHL announcing it will expand to 32 teams in the 2021-22 season: “Gary Bettman’s first and last day of not getting booed in Seattle.”
Cookie? No thanks
Ten Byron (Ill.) High School football players were suspended for three games — the last of which was a 24-20 loss to Monticello in the Class 3A state-championship game — after they ran across a field naked with Oreo cookies wedged between their buttocks as a prank.
That’s what you call a costly end-zone celebration.
• RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, after organizers of the traditional teddy-bear toss for the WHL’s Prince George Cougars asked for warm clothing instead: “If you want teddy bears on ice these days, try watching a Canucks game.”
• Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, after Mavericks guard Dennis Smith lost a tooth while scrambling for a loose ball: “Even worse, the missing tooth caused him to repeatedly double-dribble.”
• Greg Cote of The Miami Herald, after the Red Sox’s latest World Series trophy was damaged when a fan threw a full can of beer during the title parade: “That’s terrible. Talk about a waste of beer!”
Tony Romo, who’s crafted the reputation as a Nostradamus in the CBS broadcast booth when it comes to predicting what the next play call will be, isn’t quite as accurate on the long-range stuff.
His preseason Super Bowl prediction, as told to the NFL Network: Jaguars (4-9) vs. the Packers (4-7-1).
Quote, end quote
• Seattle Times sports designer Rich Boudet, via Twitter, on the NHL awarding its 32nd team on Tuesday: “Fitting that it’s our first icy morning of the year in Seattle.”
• Montreal Canadiens left wing Jonathan Drouin, to TSN, on the rival Ottawa Senators: “We hate those guys like they hate each other, er, like they hate us.”
• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on why authorities in Florida who discovered a giant sea turtle towing a bunch of bales knew it was cocaine: “The turtle was swimming at 30 mph.”