Talk about setting a record in reel time.

Philip Du Plessis, on his 11th day of quarantine lockdown in Dubai, broke the late-evening monotony by casting a line from his apartment balcony into the brackish canal below and hauled in a bream on his second cast — from 50 feet above the ground.

As for his neighbors below, Du Plessis told the London Daily Mail, “They won’t be impressed in the morning with the dried fish slime across their living-room window.”

Headlines

• At TheOnion.com:Quarantined umpire cleans his entire home with tiny brush.”

• At Fark.com: “EXFL.”

Ill-fated skins game

Police in Vero Beach, Fla., arrested a 25-year-old woman who stripped down to her underwear in the middle of a street and started swinging a golf club.

Befuddled officers couldn’t decide which covering she needed the most — a straitjacket or a green jacket.

Attacking the net

Six-foot-6 Maxim Turgeon — he of the NHL Turgeon lineage — has signed to play volleyball at Thompson Rivers University in Kamloops, B.C.

WolfPack fans can hardly wait to see him spike one through the five-hole.

We hardly knew ye

Stephanie Grisham is out as White House mouthpiece without ever hosting a single news briefing:

In other words, she’s the Moonlight Graham of press secretaries.

Football quiz

HBO’s next iteration of “Hard Knocks” will feature:

a) L.A.’s Rams and Chargers

b) Mike Leach getting his remedial “listening sessions” to learn “cultural awareness” at Mississippi State

Kareem with the assist

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar donated 1,800 goggles to health workers fighting the coronavirus at UCLA Health and Scripps Health in San Diego.

You’re on the clock, hockey goalies. Let’s see some face masks.

The doctor is finally in

Onetime Cardinals first baseman Mark Hamilton has just become, at age 35, Dr. Mark Hamilton.

In other words, he’s gone from “take two and hit to right” to “take two and call me in the morning.”

Just kidding

Nickelodeon will air a kid-themed broadcast of an NFL playoff game this coming season.

As for who’ll man the booth, what better tandem for the ages 2-17 demographic than two guys named SpongeBob and Booger?

Putting on hairs

Tar Heels basketball coach Roy Williams is growing a beard while he and his wife self-quarantine in the North Carolina mountains.

No word yet on whether it’ll be a one-and-done.

No Boston marathons

If the MLB season doesn’t start by July 1, we will have lost seven Yankees-Red Sox games.

In other words, 30 hours of riveting game action, down the drain.

Talking the talk

• Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, on the Rakuten Monkeys putting 500 robot mannequins in the stands as the Taiwan Chinese Professional Baseball League began play without live fans: “I wonder if they can do the wave.”

• Mike Hart of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, on the Packers landing QB Bart Starr as a 17th-round draft choice: “The Kiper of 1956 probably called this pick a reach.”

• Ravens QB Robert Griffin III, via Twitter: “Whoever said one person can’t change the world never ate an undercooked bat.”

• Yahoo baseball writer Hannah Keyser, via Twitter, after watching “Hoosiers” for the first time while quarantined: “I was not prepared for this much upper thigh.”

Attention, Astros

Updated catchers’ signals if the baseball season gets pushed all the way into December:

• one’s a fastball

• two’s a curveball

• three’s a snowball

Running on empty

Major League Baseball is considering opening its season in the Phoenix area by having teams play in ballparks without any fans.

Twenty-some teams immediately filed a protest, citing an unfair home-field advantage for the Miami Marlins.

Quote marks

• Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com, hoping that stories about all-star/hall-of-fame “snubs” will be gone with the coronavirus: “Joe DiMaggio was passed over for the Baseball Hall of Fame four times before he got in. If a player is ‘snubbed’ commensurate with that standard, write about it.”

• Nick Canepa of The San Diego Union-Tribune, on the Ivy League refusing to grant sidelined spring-sports athletes another year of eligibility: “Because they’ll all be CEOs or heads of state by then.”

• Omaha, Neb., comedy writer Brad Dickson, with his own special method of social distancing: “I wear an Oklahoma Sooners T-shirt around town, and everybody stays at least 6 feet away from me.”

• NASCAR driver Bubba Wallace, via Twitter, after a sponsor dropped him for “rage-quitting” during an iRacing race: “I ruined so many people’s day by quitting … a video game. Bahaha. A video game. Damn quarantine life is rough.”

Paging Fred MacMurray

Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker uncorked a 77-yard field goal during a workout session in Kansas City.

Even more amazing, the ball didn’t test positive for flubber gas.

Tweet of the Week

“If you think a 30-day quarantine is a long time, just remember that it’s been 19,334 days since the Toronto Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup.” — Alex @bigbadbruins73, on April 7

Taking it sitting down

Paris is tightening up its coronavirus measures, banning all outdoor exercise between 10 a.m. and 7 p.m.

“Think you could make it 24/7?” asked a guy with a TV remote in his hand.

Get a whiff of this

Journeyman slugger Mark Reynolds, who struck out 1,927 times in a 13-year career — including three straight seasons of 200-plus whiffs — is calling it quits.

In lieu of a gold watch, Phoenix is giving him the K to the city.

Quote, end quote

• John Breech of CBSsports.com, projecting the Seahawks will take LSU edge-rusher K’Lavon Chaisson with the 27th pick in the upcoming NFL draft: “Coach Pete Carroll and GM John Schneider will probably ignore all social-distancing guidelines if this pick happens, because they’re definitely going to want to hug each other if Chaisson falls into their lap.”

• Minor-league St. Paul Saints, via Twitter, with a public-service announcement: “No, we will not be purchasing an island that we can play our season on. That is all.”

• @TheCoronaMemes: “If you’re unclear on ‘social distancing,’ imagine you’re defending Ben Simmons and he’s at the perimeter.”

• At @SportsPickle: “If I missed the first 35 Wrestlemanias, will I still be able to follow the plot or do I need to binge from the start to catch up?”