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And your family thinks you might take your fantasy-football team a tad too seriously?

Police in Oslo, Norway, stormed an apartment after neighbors reported loud screaming only to find a man, unharmed — but angry after continually losing at computer chess.

Headlines

• At TheOnion.com: “Controversial tell-all book reveals wrestling fans are fake.”

• At SportsPickle.com: “Report: LeBron may be fired as Cavs head coach.”

No way: Jose

Ex-slugger Jose Canseco has called off his engagement to Leila Knight, TMZ reported.

What, did he shoot off his ring finger or something?

Higher Driver’s Ed

Among the top 10 tips for becoming an auto-racing champion, as read on CBS’s “Late Night With David Letterman” by NASCAR’s Kevin Harvick:

• “Reduce weight of the car — take out the brakes.

• “During a race, save your energy for the postrace brawl.

• “Don’t waste time learning to parallel park.

• “Accept the fact that your ass will never stop vibrating.”

Stat of the Week

The football teams of Notre Dame (3), USC (2), Ohio State (2), Auburn (2) and Florida (2) have lost more games against ACC teams the past three seasons than league member Florida State has — in 26 tries — according to NoledOut.com.

He’s on spin cycle

A man in France broke a world speed record by reaching speeds of 207 mph in 4.8 seconds — on a bicycle.

“The contraption apparently was powered by three rocket engines,” noted Ian Hamilton of the Regina (Sask.) Leader-Post. “Either that, or Lance Armstrong has been preparing for a comeback.”

The write stuff

• Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) World-Herald, after DEA agents paid surprise postgame visits to NFL locker rooms seeking prescription-drug information on Nov. 16: “At last report, 17 NFL players responded with personal bests in the 40.”

• Comedy writer Alan Ray, on possible punishments for Browns QB Johnny Manziel after he and his entourage were involved in a hotel fracas: “Reduced clipboard time.”

• Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, on ex-Purdue basketball coach Gene Keady once paying a hair stylist $600 a week to come up with that ugly comb-over: “That’s like Quasimodo getting silicone injections to plump his hump.”

That’s using his head

An onrushing linebacker from Milbank (S.D.) High School blocked an extra-point kick with his helmet — only to see it go careening over the crossbar for a successful point, anyway.

On the bright side, though, he’s the odds-on favorite to win the inaugural Jose Canseco Award.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com