The Wrap by Ron Judd
The record shall reflect that, in the 2012 presidential campaign, the shark was officially jumped at 9:25 p.m. EST Thursday.
That’s when Reuters — placing itself at grave risk of being confused with a satirical counterpart, The Onion — posted a breaking-news dispatch from the campaign trail describing the hottest GOP prospect’s long-awaited plan to confront America’s crumbling infrastructure, shuttered schools and failing health-care system.
“Gingrich Calls for Moon Base, Space Contests.”
More Happy Days Reruns:
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Dealing From the Bottom of the Deck: Alaska Airlines has decided to stop dispensing those little prayer cards on flights. Just as well; they long ago began playing fast and loose with the verbiage — like this recent blatant edit to Luke 12:7: “Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered … as are your checked bags, each and every one.”
This Just In: Non-career-politician U.S. Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Eyes of a Dingo, will run for a fourth term. We salute her. It’s comforting to know the vacuous might still have a voice.
We’d Like to Buy a Shot, Please: TV game-show host Pat Sajak admitted he has hosted “Wheel of Fortune” drunk. We’d be more impressed if he’d actually done it sober.
Speaking of Game Shows: Not to be outdone, Alex Trebek now admits that “the Daily Double” is clever slang for a bowl he regularly smokes backstage with camera operators during breaks on “Jeopardy.”
Hold Your Applause: Nice of President Obama to invite Debbie Bosanek, Warren Buffett’s overtaxed secretary, to his State of the Union Campaign Kickoff Extravaganza. But it sure seemed like he stepped on his “warrior for the middle class” message when he asked her to fetch coffee and take notes.
Someone-Has-to-Ask Dept.: Amanda Knox and her parents reportedly are considering returning to Italy to deal with bogus slander charges brought by delusional prosecutor Giuliano Mignini. With all due respect, folks: Are you high?
The Clock is Ticking, Folks: We’ve just put in an official request to the Pentagon to borrow Seal Team 6 for a few weeks to clean up left-lane campers on Interstate 5.
Heavy Meddle: Presidential (slightly) hopeful Mitt Romney, R-Offshore Accounts, lashed out at the White House, saying the current pace of building only nine new Navy ships a year should be boosted to at least 15. Which raises the question: We’re building nine new Navy ships a year? Someone please forward that email about the end of the Cold War to Pentagon.us.
Speaking of Mitt: On the other hand, if Romney wants to pay for more ships out of his own substantial funds, fine with us. He’d even get personal naming rights, although we’re not sure the USS Hedge Fund would strike much fear steaming through the Strait of Hormuz.
Attention Hollywood: Love the premise of that new scary movie, “The Grey,” where people stave off attacks by wolves. Other than the fact that wolves don’t attack people, it’s another home run.
And Finally: Seattle Mariners exhibition games in Tokyo in March will be broadcast live on radio at 2:10 and 3:10 a.m. Seattle time. The beauty of it is, all four likely listeners can share the same pot of coffee.
Ron Judd’s column appears each Sunday. Reach him at email@example.com