The Wrap by Ron Judd
Before any further deep navel-gazing commences, let’s all take some comfort in knowing that many of the rowdy protesters in those countless May Day marches through downtown Seattle clearly were from out of town.
Proof: All it took to disperse this change-the-world rally was a minor rain squall.
To paraphrase Arlo Guthrie: If you want to change the world, you’ve got to stay dry.
Any good Northwest-based anarchist would have been equipped with proper waterproof / breathable / pepper-spray-resistant Gore-Tex protest wear.
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And only a clueless newbie would bust out the windows at NikeTown in anything less than an authentic Nike Dri-Clime Hoodlum Hoodie.
Get it together, people.
More May Day Trippin’:
The Week’s Inspector Clouseau Prize: Spectacular bit of sleuthing by the Seattle Police Department’s crack Graffiti Investigation Squad, which was able to somehow translate cryptic “communicative graffiti” clues that would have befuddled any layman — such as the words “GENERAL STRIKE, MAY 1, DOWNTOWN SEATTLE” painted in 6-foot-high letters on half the buildings in the city for the past three months — into actionable intelligence on where and when mayhem might occur.
They Resemble That Remark: Thanks to colleague Jack Broom, who pointed out that exempted from Mayor McSchwinn’s Tuesday executive order allowing the confiscation of sticks and clubs were the Seattle Mariners. The order only applied to people who could actually use wooden weapons in some form of offensive manner.
It’s All about Appropriate Response: Locals lamenting the fact that city cops didn’t bust more heads early on during that protest march need to realize that none of the protesters were doing anything that constituted a true public-safety hazard. Didn’t see a single one of them whittling a small wooden totem pole.
“Oh Fiddlesticks?” Various news organizations kept describing newly released documents seized in Osama bin Laden’s Pakistan compound as his “last words.” Actually, only a couple U.S. Navy SEALs know what the guy’s true last words were. And we’re guessing they might not be printable.
Speaking of Words: Actual ones uttered from the “Situation Room” by CNN’s Wolf (The Drone) Blitzer: “Coming up: The latest thoughts from a terror mastermind who’s been dead for months!”
Shake, Rattle, Droll: So pleased to read that the new Dale Chihuly Outlet / Museum of Self-Aggrandizement is “earthquake proof.” When the big one hits, all you folks stuck in adequately reinforced public buildings, on bridges, or in doomed cars, buses, houses and whatnot can take great comfort in knowing, as you’re about to meet your maker, that the city’s treasured Chihulys are safe.
You Knew That He Would: Mariners futility player Chone Figgins, sliding safely back at his accustomed .189 batting average, told reporters, “I just feel good.” We’d feel good, too, getting paid a CEO salary to be an ongoing abject failure at a playground game. But to actually admit it requires a special level of cluelessness.
And Finally: Self-proclaimed celebrity attorney John Henry Browne makes a good point about the ridiculous prospect of government spooks conducting a background check on him before he’s allowed to view classified documents in the Sgt. Robert Bales case. The job could tie up the FBI for 16 years.
Ron Judd’s column appears each Sunday. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org